I had never really thought about kids before. It always seemed like some distant thing but I had never made a sure decision on it. But standing there, seeing how happy Ingram was to bring her baby into the world, brought a sharp pain to my heart.
I shook it away quickly.
I could barely support myself let alone a child and I didn’t see my situation changing anytime soon. Besides, I kind of needed someone to do it with. I mean, I could get knocked up easily enough. But I was smart enough to not do that and besides, I wanted to have someone special to share it with. I wanted that partner in life. That one person to stand by my side and make me stronger just in doing so. That one person that I could come home to and let my hair down.
I was dreaming again.
I needed to stop.
So I did, moving all my focus to helping Ingram get things she needed. I also made sure to get her a bunch of stuff she wanted.
Bryan came over that night. And it was the first time that I truly iced him out. I couldn’t handle being around him. In a way, it hurt too much. There were so many things going through my head and I honestly couldn’t get a hold of my emotions long enough to even try to spend time with him.
If he noticed that I was really just down and off, he didn’t say anything. I was half grateful when he only nodded and turned to walk away.
Time trickled on.
Some crazy stuff happened and Ingram had her baby. Then she left. I wasn’t sure why, but I got the feeling that she needed more help than what her brother and Chris could give her. Chris was torn up over her leaving and he was doing his best to keep Ky from falling apart. Ingram and Chris had gotten really close. I think he saw her as a little sister and hated that he couldn’t help her like she needed.
Chris, Cami, and I hung out at least once a week. Well, most of the time. When I wasn't in a mini-funk, that was.
I really tried to focus on the fact that I didn’t have a whole lot to complain about. There were people out there that were much worse off than me. I thought I was doing pretty well considering I had pulled myself up and out mostly on my own.
“What’s all this?” I asked as Bryan walked into my apartment one night carrying a few bags in his hands.
He shrugged as he set them down on my bed.
“Gwen was getting rid of some stuff. She said a lot of it she hadn’t even worn before. I figured maybe you would want them.”
I peeked in the bags then looked at him pointedly.
I knew Gwen.
These were not her style of clothes.
For the first time ever, I saw him look away from me with that odd look on his face. It was as if he was trying to hide that he was guilty of something.
I could have said something and called his bluff. It would have almost been too easy.
But he brought me clothes. Clothes that I was pretty sure he had gone out and bought himself.
I softened a little more towards him and I hated myself for it.
I didn’t want him to be sweet. I didn’t want him to be that guy that took notice of things. Like how all my clothes had started to look dull and threadbare. I didn’t need him to be this knight in shining armor, swooping in to save the day.
Not because I was too prideful, but because it made me fall harder for him. Something I couldn’t afford to do.
I held back the tears and kissed him. Then I used my body to say thank you. Maybe it made me a bit of a bought tramp, but I tried not to think of it that way.
“Who am I tonight?” I asked because it was this strange game that we played and I needed to hear that I was still a queen in his eyes.
“Catherine the Great.”
“And who are you?”
“Sergei Saltykov.”
His answers were never forced or hesitant. Which made me think there was more to the man than he let on to.
