Pretending to watch the game, my mind wanders, thinking about the other things on the list.Obviously there’s no way I can accomplish them all, but maybe I can knock off one or two more.And then, maybe if I do, I’ll feel settled again.I can put the list away and just get back to my routine.Or find a new routine is more like it.
A Google search tells me there’s a casino in Connecticut about an hour and a half from here.I could drive down next weekend and play some slots.I glance up at the field to see TJ running, his muscular legs pumping fast.
Or I could fly to Vegas to watch TJ play again.
I lean over to Maureen."Do you go to away games too?"
"Sometimes.We usually save it for the playoffs and postseason games."
"So, you’re not going to Las Vegas next weekend?"
She shakes her head."No, we’re babysitting the girls.Joey has a gig and Amanda wants to join him for the weekend."
The thought that I’d be able to meet up with someone I knew almost made the trip seem possible.I try to picture what it’d be like.I’d truly be solo for the entire weekend.My heart starts to pound.Maybe I could still do it.All I need is a pep talk.
I can do solo.Hell, ever since Richie died, I’ve been solo.
Being alone isn’t bad.It’s not bad at all.Especially since there is no one there to upend my routine.If I step outside my comfort zone, it’s when I’m good and ready and not a moment before.Just because, historically speaking, I’ve never been ready, doesn’t mean I can’t start now.
All in all, the last week hasn’t been terrible.It was better than the previous week when I sat in my new apartment all by myself.How much of that has to do with new experiences, and how much has to do with TJ?
"You’re coming with us for ice cream, right, dear?"
If I’ve learned anything this past week, it’s when Maureen Doyle asks a question that ends in "right, dear," there’s only one acceptable answer, and that’s the statement she’s already made.Man, what I wouldn’t give to have the confidence that she has.
But as I look at her with her doting husband and grown sons who obviously adore her, it becomes quite evident that I’ll never possess that level of confidence.Confidence is rooted in security.
At least I know I’m reliable.I can count on me, if no one else.I’d always thought I’d be able to count on Gram and Gramps.And Richie.They showed me.
"I can follow you.Same place as last time?"I search my memory for the name.Something about ugly dogs.
"No, this week, we’re going to The Flannel Cow Creamery.It’s right near Tyler’s place."
"Oh, then it’s right near me, too."I quickly type the name into Google Maps and find that it’s within a mile of my apartment.Okay, so it’s not super fancy, but the neighborhood—and my neighbor—seem to have some perks."Wait, it says they’re closed."
"Yes, they’re staying open for us."She explains to me the deals they’ve made with many of the local places, including the cost.
"So the ice cream’s on us tonight.Well, it’s actually on Tyler.He says it’s the very least he can do to repay us for all the support we’ve given him over the years."
A pang of guilt hits me square in the chest.What have I done to repay Gram and Gramps?I might be angry with them now, but they did a lot for Richie and me.The least I can do is call Gram to check in and let her know I’m doing okay.I’ve been texting her enough so that she doesn’t call the police to do a wellness check.I’m not back to telling her the ins and outs of my day yet.
Also, how adorable is this whole ice cream thing?
If the women of ClikClak only knew that beneath the firmly chiseled abs and perfect aesthetic there was a momma’s boy whose insides were as gushy as the Cookie Sundae I spied on the menu, he’d break the internet.
Maureen and Tom follow me to my place so I can drop my car off and ride with them.It always takes Tyler a while to get there, so this ate up some of the time.As I slide in their back seat, Maureen says, "My, this is very close to Tyler.How about that?"
"It’s purely a coincidence.I moved in here about two weeks ago when my grandparents kicked me out."As soon as the words leave my mouth, I wish I could grab them and shove them back and swallow them.They are so dishonorable to the people my grandparents are."What I mean is that I got a promotion, but it’s down in Sharon at our brand-new satellite office.Gramps said he trusted only me to run it."
"That’s impressive.And lucky for Tyler too, that you’re so close."She’s turned around, looking at me in between the seats, so it’s easy to see when she winks at me.Winking must be a family trait.
Oh no, this cannot be happening.His mom thinks we’re together."No, no, no.That’s not it.We’re not … We’re just friends.I’m not even sure you can call us friends.We’re more like …" I struggle to find the words."Proximity acquaintances," I say.Cripes, could I be any more lame?
Of course, it’s not like there’s an easy term to describe "I sought him out because my dead sister told me to and fate keeps putting me in his path and he’s super, super hot but he’s also super kind and if I did relationships—which I don’t—I’d totally fall for him because he’s nurturing, but then I worry that I’d only be there because he takes care of me and that’s what I’ve been missing my whole life."
Proximity acquaintances it is.
"Sure, dear.If you say so."
