Sometimes love just wasn’t enough. I was selfish to have held onto Jax as long as I did, but dammit, being loved by him felt so good.
Tears streamed down my face as I heard Jax’s voice in my mind.
Turn around.
I couldn’t turn around because if I had, my resolve would have broken. I’d have run back into his arms, and where would that have gotten us?
Jax would have settled for a barren, middle-aged mess of a woman who would have undoubtedly ruined his entire life. I would have been the selfish bitch who placed her own happiness above so many others’ wellbeing. It was better for everyone if I disappeared from sight for a while. I’d let the media circus die down, and then I’d go back to my quiet existence. It wasn’t a bad life. I had Ella, Grace, and Katie. And Mama, of course. I’d be happy.
Well, happy enough.
The thought of going inside that empty house made my stomach churn. I contemplated grabbing Mama and burning the entire place to the ground. Every corner of that house was now littered with memories of Jax, but the last thing I needed was the paparazzi showing up because I’d gone nuts. Besides, no matter how painful it would be to see Jax everywhere, I couldn’t imaginenotseeing him everywhere.
With trembling hands, I gathered my keys and purse and made the short trek to the front door. Before I’d even reached the porch, I heard a yowling noise that sounded like an injured animal, crying out in pain. I paused a moment and looked around, trying to discern where it was coming from, only to realize it was coming from inside the house.
I shoved the key in the lock and sprinted inside to find Mama howling on the other side. “Mama!” I tossed my bag and keys on the floor as I crouched down to her. She paced wildly in front of me, meowing frantically as I inspected her. There was no blood. She was moving freely and nothing appeared to be broken. “Mama, what is it?” Jax’s guitar was gone from the foyer, leaving mine looking lonely.
She wove her little body between my feet as I stood. I looked over at the Christmas tree. Surprisingly, all of the ornaments were still intact. My old guitar was leaned against the wall near the sofa as though it were waiting for me and Jax to return to our living room writing sanctuary. I went to the kitchen to make sure she had food and water, careful to avoid stepping on her as she tried her best to entangle herself in my feet with each step I took. I looked down to see her bowls completely full, untouched even. “What’s going on, girl?” She continued her yowling as my feet carried me unwillingly to the bedroom.
I had to see it. I had to see for myself that he was gone. Better still, Ideservedto see it.
Mama trailed my every move, her paws inches from my feet as we passed through the door. The bed was made as though we hadn’t been laying together just hours before, blissfully unaware that our world was imploding while we slept.
My eyes immediately settled on the foot of the bed. The Aerosmith shirt I had given him was folded neatly on the comforter with my house key laying on top.
There was no note, though it wasn’t like there was anything left to say. I’d broken his heart right here in this room only a couple of hours before. I picked up the shirt and clutched it to my chest, causing the key to fall onto the bed.
I brought the soft cotton to my nose and breathed it in. It still smelled like him. His scent had been ingrained in the fibers of the fabric, and that was all it took to bring me to my knees. I collapsed on the floor beside a yowling Mama, sobbing with the shirt clutched to my chest.
I almost wished the universe had never put him in my path. That I’d gone on unaware love like the kind Jax showed me existed. I almost wished I never knew what it felt like to be held by him. To be loved by him.
Almost.
Mama’s yowling subsided, and much to my surprise, she crawled onto my lap. She gently climbed her two front paws onto my chest, pressing her tiny head to mine. “Mama…” I brought my hand to her back, stroking her soft fur. She pulled her face away from mine and peered up at me. “You miss him too, don’t you?” She nudged my chin with her head, her unspoken answer. She curled up in my lap, and I felt the soft vibration of her purr on my legs. “I miss him too, Mama. I miss him so much.”
I didn’t know how I was ever going to be okay again without Jax.
All I knew was, I had to be.
Somehow, I had to be.
I don’t even know how long I’d been sitting there when I heard the front door slam shut.
“Liv!” Ella called frantically, but I was weeping so hard I couldn’t answer her.
“Aunt Liv!” Grace’s panicked voice shouted. I felt their footsteps vibrate beneath me as they ran into the room to find me and Mama in a heap on the floor. Their faces fell as they took in what a mess I was. My body trembled, physically aching to feel Jax’s arms around me again.
Without a single word, Ella and Grace sat beside me on the wood floor. Ella had tears in her eyes as she kissed the side of my head. They bookended me and held me tight, leaning their faces into mine. I felt like I was splitting in two, and for several moments, they were the only things keeping me from falling apart. We’d all taken our turns holding each other together over the years, and I knew I’d never be able to get through this without them.
“Have you eaten anything today?” Ella asked softly, and I shook my head in response. “Grace, would you go make something for your Aunt Liv? And pour her a glass of water. We need a minute.”
Grace nodded and hugged me hard. “I love you, Aunt Liv.” She gave Mama a gentle scratch on the head before disappearing out of the room.
“Guess Mama isn’t a hostile kitty after all. A standoffish little shit maybe.” Ella chuckled softly, but I couldn’t even bring myself to smile. She smoothed her hand over my hair. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Can you tell me what happened?”
Ella wrapped me in her embrace as I wept and explained every soul-crushing detail, down to Jax begging me to turn around. I heard her sniffle as I cried in her arms. “I love him so much, Ella. I love him so much it hurts.”
“I know, honey. I know.”
