“What if they can’t forgive me?” I asked.
“I think they can because I believe they love you as you love them,” Delilah answered. “I’ve never met Ella, but I’ve spoken with Grace many times, and that girl adores you. But I think you’ve got to be honest with them about how you feel.”
“Let the dust settle for a day or so,” Richard suggested. “Give Ella a moment to catch her breath, then talk to her.”
“I think you need a moment to catch your breath too,” Delilah said to me. “And I think there’s one other person you should talk to while you’re here. I think it might help you find some peace with everything.”
I closed my eyes and sighed as she pulled me into her embrace. As much as it hurt, I knew she was right.
I needed to go see Carrie.
Twenty-Nine
Ella
The next day passed,and I still hadn’t told anyone but Derek about Cash leaving. I hated lying to Grace when she asked if I’d heard from him, but I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her. I knew I had to tell her eventually, but I wanted to buy an extra day or two of peace for her after all she’d been through since the accident.
She and Sam were both feeling a little better, which meant Grace was ready to get back to work. She was just like me—she hated to sit still. But I needed her to be still, at least for just a little while longer.
I busied myself by doing every little thing for Sam and Grace, despite their insistence that they could do most anything on their own. Playing nurse to them eased my mind and gave me something to focus on besides how hurt I was. Bradley Cooper followed me around, picking up on my mood. He gave me extra snuggles and kisses as we fell asleep at night to the soundtrack of the evening news and Jimmy Fallon.
Cash still hadn’t tried to contact me. Not that I expected him to.
Despite not really being a romantic, I’d still been hoping for that magical Nicholas Sparks ending. But hadn’t I had enough experience with loss to know there was a reason those endings happened in books and movies? They were nice to think about, but real life was a lot more complicated.
I did have to go to work at the bakery the following day, but I called to check on Grace and Sam every couple of hours. They were moving around much more easily and didn’t need a lot of help. That meant Grace’s barrage of questions as to Cash’s whereabouts were only going to increase.
When it was closing time at the bakery, I realized we’d been so busy that I’d barely seen Katie all day. Once I flipped the open sign over to closed, she’d said she was exhausted and headed out. I was worried about how overworked she’d been, but I’d scheduled several interviews for the rest of the week on top of the ones Katie had already set up. I hoped we’d be able to find her some relief soon.
As I got in my car to head home, I noticed a text from Grace.
Grace: i texted cash earlier about work. still haven’t heard from him. weird. you heard from him today?
I couldn’t put this off any longer. I needed to figure out what I was going to tell her. I needed to talk to Liv. If anyone could help me make sense of what I was feeling, it was her. I fired off a quick text to Grace.
Ella: Not today. I’m sure he’s just busy. Are you and Sam okay? I need to make a couple of pit stops on the way home.
The little text bubbles popped up immediately.
Grace: we’re good. :) just watching reruns of the walking dead.
Ella: OK. Be home soon.
As I made the drive out to Liv’s house, I thought about the last time I’d been there with Cash when we saved Liv and the kids from the mouse. It was the day after I’d had a meltdown about the washing machine. When he hadn’t freaked out after that, I knew he didn’t spook easily. He didn’t seem the slightest bit put off by seeing me be so emotional and vulnerable. If anything it seemed to bring us closer.
My eyes burned with tears, and I turned the radio up loud and let them out to the sound of a sad Taylor Swift song. This time, it wasn’t the kind of crying that shook me to my core. It was the quiet, resigned cry of a woman who felt completely lost.
Halfway to Liv’s house, I thought maybe I should have called first, which wasn’t something we ever did. We’d always had an open door policy, but with the addition of the kids and Jax in her life those boundaries, or lack thereof, now felt blurry. That thought caused the tears to come a little harder, but I knew if I called I’d lose my nerve and try to put off telling Grace for another day. And I couldn’t do that.
By the time I pulled into Liv’s driveway, my eyes were red, my cheeks were wet, and I felt defeated. I didn’t even try to disguise it as I started toward the front door. I still had a key, and I almost used it, but then thought better of it and knocked instead.
A couple of seconds later, Jax appeared at the door with a shocked expression on his face. “Ella, are you okay?”
“I’m sorry to show up like this, but—” I started but he cut me off.
“Are you kidding me? Come here.” He chuckled softly and pulled me into a hug. “You can show up any way you want, anytime you want.”
The gesture made a lump form in my throat.
