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I move towards her. She presses her back into the glass door. But when I wrap my arms around her, she melts. She squeezes me, even as she chokes back a sob.
I'm causing her this pain. I need to stop it.
I move my mouth over her ear. "I love you. Tell me what I can do to make this better and I'll do it."
"It's not about love."
She holds me closer. Tighter. And then, in this horrible, cold, dark room, she unleashes. She cries, blubbering, squeezing me tighter and tighter.
"Ally, let's talk about this."
"She's in love with you, Luke. You're playing her boyfriend and you're playing my therapist, and I can't do it anymore."
"But..."
She takes a deep breath, melting into me a little more. "You need to figure this out. Because I don't think I can be with you if you're always going to be running off to help her."
"She needs me."
"She manipulates you," she says. "She isn't your friend. Your friend would be polite to your girlfriend. Your friend wouldn't spend dinner trying to make your girlfriend jealous. And you think I didn't notice that bullshit with the chocolate cake?"
"Maybe she was being nice."
"Nice? You might not realize this, since your private life isn't visible to anyone with an Internet connection--but she obviously knew about my eating disorder, and she was obviously reveling in it."
Alyssa pushes me. It's soft. A give me space not a get the fuck away.
I step back and bring my eyes to hers. "She wouldn't do that."
She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Luke, but I need you too. At least, I want to. But every time I start to get that feeling in my chest, every time I start to let myself need you, I have to stop myself. I don't know if you'll be around or if you'll be off with her. I don't even know if you'll keep your promises or if you'll be too busy conceding to what she wants."
"Is that about the house?"
She bites her tongue. "I want someplace that feels like home too."
"If I had known you wanted it I would have fought for it."
"I don't believe you."
The dizziness is back. My head is swimming. My limbs are light and weak. I take a deep breath, but it only makes the ground feel further away. It only makes this feel more impossible.
Alyssa is pulling away. I have to do something.
But I can't abandon Samantha. Ending our friendship would be sentencing her to death.
She wipes the tears from her cheeks. I move towards her again, wrap my arms around her again. But there's a coldness to it. She's already made up her mind.
She's already somewhere else.
"Alyssa, please. I want to be with you."
"Until when? What if she tries to kill herself again? Will you be by her side again?"
"She's my best friend."
"Exactly," she says. "She's your best friend. And, if she gets her way, she'll be your girlfriend, so she can keep leaning on you forever."
"Ally..."
