We’re still just standing on the sidewalk, so I slip my arms into the duster. It’s way too big, but it keeps the cold out. At least it doesn’t go beyond my ankles. “That was when I was fed. But Collin’s not here. And even if I could somehow get it up with the world literally ending around me, I’m not going to use my powers to rape and drainsome random dude. At least with the elf, the only person who gets hurt is me and, as far as I’m concerned, that’s the absolute limit.” I step in a little closer and touch his arm gently, letting the Kevlar sleeve fall to my wrist. I try to bring my appeal home. “I know you want to protect me, but this is so big. Youhaveto let me make this deal.”
Rafa peers down into my eyes, his own intense, even a little scared. It takes a moment before he speaks—and his voice is husky.
“You wouldn't have to find some random dude.”
I squint, confused.
“Alvin—you can feed on me.”
15
We’re notup to Chinatown yet, but we’re close enough to restaurants and shops that I can see people walking up ahead. This isn’t a great conversation to be having on an open sidewalk, so I pull him between a couple older brick buildings into a more secluded, if filthy, dead-end alley. It’s decorated with crumpled food wrappers, crushed beer cans, and a soiled and discarded red canvas sneaker. But at least we won’t be disturbed.
“You can’t mean that,” I say, stunned.
“It would make you strong enough to get to the watch and stop this thing, right?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I frown, thinking it over. “Supposedly, if I did it with someone flesh and blood, I’d be even stronger than last time—or it’d at least last longer—and the vampires did seem pretty scared of me.” I shift my gaze back to him, concern tightening my face. “But I have absolutely no idea what kind of effect it would have on you.”
“You think it could kill me?” His tone is serious, but it doesn’t sound like a deal-breaker for him.
I blow out a huge breath.
“Collin said no. That I’d have to deliberately want to harm someone. That you’d feel tired or whatever after, but you’d be okay. But I’ve literally never done it before with anyone who had an actual physical body.”
“But this Avatar of Knowledge thinks it’s safe, and he’s supposed to know everything.”
“Hedoesn’tknow everything. He admitted that himself.” I bite my lower lip, frustrated. “But yeah, he knows a lot more about this than I do.”
Rafa touches my shoulder and smiles gently. “With hundreds of thousands of lives at stake, I think it’s worth the risk.”
Worth the risk to have sex with me. Even if it is a little insulting, as pickup lines go, that one certainly packs a punch. But my relationship with the Hunter at this point feels like an impossibly tangled ball of frayed live wires.
“Rafa, I know you feel bad about hurting me, and I’m sure you’d do anything to stop your dad, but you don’t have to dothis.”
He stiffens his shoulders. “If that’s you asking if I’m willing to sacrifice myself, then you’re right, I am.” Then the hardness in his expression melts away. “But it’s not guilt that makes me want to do it. Or thinking it might, possibly, save the world. That wouldn’t be enough for me to be able to actually go through with it.
“It’s because I trust you. It’s because Ilikeyou.”
He looks like he truly means it. I check to see if I’musing my powers on him, but while my monster is definitely paying attention, it’s hanging back.
A few days ago, I would have done almost anything to have a guy this gorgeous even smile at me. But now, I honestly have no idea how this makes me feel.
Actually, no, I do. There’s a part of me that recoils at the very idea of having sex with Rafa, even if there was no chance of hurting him. The reaction plays on my face.
“Well, I’m not sureIcan…” I say, softly. “Go through with it.”
My fingers reflexively find their way to the bruises on my neck. His face falls as realization hits him.
“Alvin, are you… scared of me now?”
My mind flashes to his hands, gripped tight on my neck. While I believe he’s being absolutely sincere about liking me and thinking I’m a good guy and not something he has to put down, Idon’tfeel 100% safe with him. It’s not a head thing. It’s a gut thing.
I exhale. “I was scared of you when we first met. I mean, you’re a Monster Hunter, and I’m me. And then I got to know you, and I stopped being scared. For a good while. But the way you grabbed me,chokedme…” I wince. “I don’t blame you for it. You were just reacting. And you stopped when you saw I was getting hurt. But I can still feel your hands on me, and I don’t know if I can get past that. Not in one night.”
Rafa tightens his lips and his eyes slide away, creased with shame. “Right.” He puffs out a pained breath. “Well, you have every reason to blame me. I was out of control and violent, looking for evil in the exact wrong place.” His upper body shrinks in, and I can practically taste the self-loathing. “Turns out there actuallywasa monster in your boss’s office—it just wasn’t you.”
Now I reach out to him. “Rafa… it’s okay…”
