I pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “If that is what you wish, I will ensure it happens.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, placing her hand atop mine. We stood in companionable silence, looking over the wreckage. Thoughts eddied in and out of my mind, feeling as if there was too much to say and not enough. Finally, after several long minutes, she spoke. “Why have you not asked why I did what I did? Or how?” She seemed to add the last question as an afterthought.
I hesitated, running a finger along her arm. “Does it bother you that I have not?”
She shifted her weight from one leg to the other. “No, I suppose not,” she said, turning around and peering up at me. “But it will if you keep your questions to yourself for fear of upsetting me.”
Over the past few days, I was given more than enough time to question Eva’s motives. Had she been genuinely attempting to sacrifice herself, and her power stopped her from giving herself wholly to pay a price that was never hers to pay? Or if it had been a trained and well-planned attack that was kept from me for fear I would have intervened?
I shook my head, telling her as much. “I do not need to know why,” I said softly, “because everything ended up in our favor when the sun fell. But I will happily listen if you wish to tell me.”
Her body tensed, the muscles in her arms flexing out of some emotion I was not privy to. “I was not trying to kill myself, but I would have, to save my people.”
“I know,” I said simply, wrapping my arms around her middle and pulling her close. “And I understand, despite the fear that coursed through my veins. It’s one of the things I love about you.”
We spent the night wrapped in each other’s embrace, our hands roaming across the other’s features at times just to remember what we could have lost. I lost count of the times I traced circles along her skin or pressed feather-light kisses across her lips. But it was enough to know we were where we belonged and would never be separated again.
Chapter50
Renai
I’m sorry.
Those two words echoed through my mind as I stared out into the gray of dawn through the dirty window in my bedroom. Darkness surrounded me, much as it had been since I was released from the healing ward. Because light seemed like something that happy people basked in, and I was far from that.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
My stomach growled, the only sign of hunger I noticed. I could barely tolerate food these days. The only reason I ate was thanks to Briar stopping by daily to force sustenance down my throat before I could slip out of her hold.
But she didn’t bother coming by this morning because I think she knew any efforts to get me to eat would be futile.
Today was the day that Kalen’s body would be burnt to ash, releasing his soul to the heavens and freeing him from his worldly form. Not that I believed half of the shit the priestess spoke about. Still, even I could admit to thinking their view on the matter was a better version of reality than the one we were truly given.
I closed my eyes against the onslaught of painful memories. The sight of his broken face pleading silently for me to forgive him as he’d done what he needed to. Our last moments were ones of horror, ones which fed my demons. The hateful thoughts thrived in my mind and refused to abate for a moment.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
The edges of crumpled paper cut into my skin. My fingers tightened around it involuntarily as I angrily pushed the images out of my mind.
I’d found it this morning, lying atop a pile of letters I hadn’t paid attention to since I returned. The world could wait as far as I was concerned. I didn’t know if I ever wanted to be ‘normal’ again. Or if I even could be.
But when I walked by my desk, the familiar handwriting caught my attention. If my name hadn’t been scrawled across the envelope so boldly, I likely would have thrown it in the trash, thinking it was some kind of report someone had delivered before everything went to hell.
The envelope was crinkled as I’d torn it open with shaky fingers. My choked sob was the only sound in the room; the pain I’d felt over the past five days was suddenly brand new again, allowing my wound to fester.
Because in my hands was a letter from Kalen. Though I wanted to cling to hope that it might erase the last words he uttered to me, I knew I would never get so lucky.
Ren,
I’m not the type of man to write beautiful words down on paper, but hopefully, this will show you that I was willing to try. Try not to judge me if it’s too rough, yeah?
Keep this a secret between you and me only.
I’m not even sure where to start or how the fuck I’m supposed to say everything I want to. Let’s be honest, the flowery nonsense is more Matt’s area than mine. But I think that’s one of the reasons we worked for a while, Ren. I didn’t need to feel like anyone but myself around you. There was no judgment, and if there had been, you’d have been quick to call me out on it.
But the problem with you and I is that I’m broken beyond repair, and you deserve so much more than a mere shell of a man who would never be able to love you like you should be loved.
There are days I curse ever meeting Arabella because I was already falling for you before she and I met. Did you know that? Probably not. I’ve never told anyone before, not even Matt. That was the one thing I’ve kept a secret from everyone until now.
