“I know what you’re thinking,” he challenged me.
“What?” I asked, ensuring my expression remained neutral.
“You’re thinking that I’m incapable of love, or that I can’t handle a committed relationship.”
“I mean...” I let my words trail off, unsure of what to say.
“The truth is, I’ve never bothered to try. You saw Sofia back there. That’s the kind of person I deal with every day. The kind who only wants to talk to me because they think I can offer them something. That they’ll get ahead from the publicity, or I’ll introduce them to my father. They never actually want to get to know me.”
“That can’t be true,” I said, and I meant it. One look into his earnest eyes and he had me wanting to open up more than anyone had in years. There was no way he didn’t have this effect on everyone he met.
“I remember the first time I had a crush on a woman—like, so monumental I thought we would for sure be something great. I was eighteen and had been cast in this action movie that was supposed to propel me into more mature roles. I had tried to get out of the contract on multiple occasions, but as soon as I met her, that all changed. She was just a director’s assistant on set, but I didn’t give a shit about that. I looked forward to seeing her every day. I finally asked her out, and wehad a fun fling for a couple of weeks. I was convinced it would turn into more.” He laughed bitterly and his jaw ticked.
“What happened?” I asked when he didn’t continue.
“I was still living at my dad’s at the time. I woke up one morning to find her giggling with his hand on her ass.”
I winced. “That’s awful.”
“That’s my life. I’ll always come second to him in everyone’s mind, and recently I’ve let it get the best of me. I’ve just been fucking around because it pissed him off, and anything that pisses him off makes me happy. But that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Now no one will ever see me as anything other than a joke.”
“That isn’t true.” My heart ached seeing the pain etched on his face.
Eli’s eyes darkened when he looked at me. “It is true. And my past has never hurt me more than it did today. When I showed my answers and saw the look on your face, it killed me. I’d never felt like such a loser.”
“I can promise you, any reaction I had wasn’t because I was judging you. I was just...” I paused. “Concerned about the discrepancies between us, is all.”
He flinched.
“And you’re so much more than some philandering former actor,” I added hurriedly. “I’ve known that since our first conversation. Maybe you did build up this reputation, but you can change it. Especially if it’s not who you really are.”
Eli fidgeted and started to bounce his knee up and down. “I’d like to say it’s not who I really am, but what kind of bullshit excuse is that? I made those decisions and it wasn’t like I wasn’t enjoying myself.” He glanced up at me, his eyes searching mine. “I’m worried that someone who doesn’t know everything about me might bolt the second we get out of here,once she Googles me and realizes I’m actually a piece of trash.”
“Eli,” I scolded sharply. “Don’t say that about yourself. I will never judge you.”
He sighed as if he didn’t believe me. “Just talking to you makes me judge myself. You’re so much better than me.”
“No, I’m really not,” I insisted. “Say what you will about your past, but at least you’ve embraced life head-on, experiencing it fully. I’ve been on the sidelines for as long as I can remember. That in no way makes me better.” My breath caught in my throat when his knee brushed mine and I remembered just how close we were right now.
“Your answers scared me,” Eli said.
“Why?” It was hard to imagine anything I said having that effect on him.
He shifted in his seat so that he was even closer to me. “You were so deeply in love—like, the kind of love a lot of people don’t even get to experience once in their lifetimes. I came in here talking this big game and insisting we had a connection. But I know...I know I could never measure up to him. I’m pathetic for even thinking I had a shot.”
“That isn’t true,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around my legs and staring outside. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel the overwhelming flood of emotions I was expecting at his words.
Eli remained silent, letting me process the internal battle that I’m sure was written all over my face. I wasn’t quite sure what to say next, but one thing was clear. I’d have to share more of myself if I wanted him to have any shot at understanding me. I inhaled deeply, and began to speak.
“I met Michael when we were just eighteen and about to graduate high school. I mean, I had noticed him before then; I had admired him from afar for years. But we didn’t actuallystart talking until we were seniors and sitting next to each other in English class.
“He played soccer and ran for student government. He was one of those guys who was good at everything they tried. But he was also the nicest guy you could imagine. He talked to everyone in school, not just the popular crowd, or the jocks. He had this glow around him wherever he went. When he turned it on me, there was no hope. I couldn’t help falling for it.” My chest filled with emotion as I thought back on it all. “We fell hard and fast, but we said we wouldn’t stay together during college, so that we could branch out. But then Michael showed up at my dorm one Friday night, early that first year, and told me I was the love of his life and he couldn’t just let me go.” My eyes filled with tears at the memory I had suppressed for years. It was too hard to think about the magic of those early days now that I was the only one here to remember them.
“Everything changed after that. We became inseparable. We dated all through college and then, after graduation, we stayed in Chicago. We went through all the motions of the perfect couple—moving in together, getting engaged. Sometimes it felt like he was the only person in the world who would ever really know me.”
Eli sat motionless, staring at me and listening intently.
“But now that he’s gone, I realize what a problem that was. He was my whole world. I’d always been an introvert, and I was grateful that he never forced me outside of my bubble. But now that he’s gone, I’m so painfully alone. And I’m not even sure how to connect with anyone. Before, all I needed was him. He met new friends and introduced me to them. If he wanted to travel but I was too nervous, he’d just say that he didn’t want to push me, and he’d go with someone else. When I insisted that I needed to be alone to write, henever encouraged me to get out and see more things, to get inspiration.” I exhaled shakily. “And I loved him for all that. For letting me be me and not pushing me.
