It wasn’t until two days later when I’d heard nothing from him that I realized he’d dumped me. And it was totally my fault. He’d let me know from the beginning he needed slow, and I’d forced him into a situation he wasn’t prepared for because I’d been blinded by happiness. I’d scared him off. My throat tightened as I stared at my phone through tears.
“Gabe, dear?” Mom said softly as she sat next to me on the couch. “Can I talk to you about something?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
JAKE
The tears were at the surface, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold them back. They’d been lodged in my ducts all day, waiting for the right time to finally break. But I refused to make a scene at work. I didn’t want to be that person that everyone gossiped about.
When Gabriel didn’t come in for lunch, I realized I’d made a mistake. I hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him I felt like an imposter at his family’s house, and that I was embarrassed I'd known where to find drug addicts because it was where my mother used to hang out. And sometimes I went there looking for her because not knowing if she was dead or alive tore me up, but I was too scared to actually find out if she still lived.
You need to stop bottling everything up,I chastised myself, echoing my therapist.
I was angry with myself for running again. The moment I walked in my door that night, I regretted leaving. It wasn’t fair to call Gabriel and ask him to pick me up. But I didn’t know how to explain to him why I did things like this. It was hard talking about my problems. I needed him to ask and help me find the words I was unable to express on my own. But that was asking too much, wasn’t it?
Worse, I’d abandoned him when he needed me. I should have been there for him because I knew how soul-shattering it was dealing with an addict. I hated myself for it, but I wasn’t good with things like that. I was desperate to call him but was afraid things wouldn’t go the way I wanted them to, so I didn’t, nor did I text.
I was numb as I rode the bus home. Bad things flew through my mind. If he cared about me as much as he said hedid, wouldn’t he have called, or shown up for lunch? Maybe he’d finally realized he didn’t want to deal with all my issues and was relieved to get rid of me.
My sinuses were swollen and as I dragged my feet into my apartment building, the first tear escaped. I needed him to hold me and tell me that he cared about me. I’d wanted him to beg me to stay Christmas night, but he hadn’t. I was aware I was looking for excuses to lock myself away, but it wasn’t something I could control.
I found myself in front of Maria’s door. I’d lost Gabriel because of my own cowardice and now I might lose her and the kids. But I was tired of being a wimp and living in a cage. This was the day I would tell her the truth, except I couldn’t find the strength to lift my arm and knock on the door. My fear response was to freeze.
The door shot open, and Maria squealed, pressing her hand to her heart. “Jake! You scared me. Did you need…something?”
Her dejected expression nearly killed me. I scrambled for a response, trying to organize my thoughts. With each passing second I could see our friendship dying in her eyes. She moved, probably to step outside the door but in my fear-addled mind, she was rushing to run from me, and I’d never get another chance to be honest.
“I’m gay,” I blurted. “I’m sorry…I didn’t tell you… I was afraid you’d want nothing to do with me.”
“Oh, Jake,” she said, her chin trembling. She pulled me into a hug.
I froze again, sure this wasn’t happening but as she hugged me tighter, I wrapped my arms around her and held on for life. I inhaled her perfume, so like my Aunt Gracie and Martha’s. It was the scent of a loving mother.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” I mumbled against her shoulder.
“It’s not your fault. And it’s not mine. I just wished you would have told me.”
“So…you’re okay with it?”
“How can you ask that?” She breathed out a curse and whispered, “Who hurt you?”
The whole damn world, I thought miserably. She rubbed my back tenderly and I couldn’t let go. When she stiffened my arms, I thought I’d misread the situation. My name on her lips caught my attention and she nodded to the side.
My heart hammered as Gabriel stood at the edge of the staircase, dressed like he was going on a date with his hair slicked back, and holding a bouquet of colorful flowers. Despite his state of dress, his expression was ragged, as if he’d been crying.
“Ah… Is this a bad time?” He rasped.
Maria cupped my cheek tenderly. “We will talk later, okay?”
Then she was gone and all I could do was stare at him. Mr. Dreamy. The love of my life. I wanted to be a big boy about this, but I couldn’t hold back. Tears just started flowing. He cursed and closed the distance between us. I fell into his arms and cried all over his expensive clothes.
“It’s okay, baby boy,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry, I got scared…” I pulled away, dried my tears, and faced him head on, determined not to run, and hide. Making things semi-right with Maria had injected courage into my veins. “I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there.”
“That’s my fault. I shouldn’t have forced you to do something you weren't ready for.”
Gabriel was perfect and I was an idiot for sabotaging us. “No, it’s not. I’ve done this all my life. I don’t know why. Thingsget hard and I retreat into myself. Your family is amazing and I…got scared.”
