“And if you watched just one of their videos, you’d know that they’re actually all about removing shame associated with sex and intimacy,” Marty says. “They’ve helped me with—”
“You feel no shame about sex!”
“That’s not true. I’ve had to work through a few things actually. You know I wasn’t exactly sensible when I was in Ibiza all those months, and now Jenna and I are exploring the lifestyle a bit more. Things have started to come up…”
“Wait, what? The lifestyle?”
“Kink,” Jake interjects. “That’s what he means. Although I agree we don’t really need to talk about it in great detail when our stomachs are so full.”
“We don’t have to talk about it at all,” I mutter.
“Actually, that’s one of the things ElBaby talked about in a video a while back. About how not talking about sex more openly means we internalise too many bad feelings and misunderstandings.”
“Beautifully said, my love,” Jenna cups Marty’s cheek and he beams at her.
“But I don’t need to talk about it with mybrother,” I say with great desperation.
“Jenna, I would encourage you to co-sign that statement,” Jake adds with a sharp look at his sister
“Marty has a point, though,” Rami leans forwards after handing Jake back his phone, “I learnt that in rehab this summer. Silence lets things fester and get all dirty and ugly. It’s always good to talk and share and be honest, and if they’re doing that about sex, a topic that is hard and complicated for so many people, that can only be a good thing.”
“Beautifully said, my love,” Jake repeats his sister and copies her gesture too. Rami grins widely, just like Marty did.
Fuck these loved-up eejits.
“Why do you think I’m going to a whole-arse conference to talk about asexuality? Because no matter how much sexuality is or isn’t discussed, it’s nowhere near as quiet or absent as any conversation about asexuality.”
“You’re right about that, Maeve.” Jenna’s hand is on mine. “The point is, I think ElBaby will be a good ally for you. They come across very well in their videos.”
“I bet they come acrossa lotof things in their videos,” Jake adds, his finger still scrolling through what is presumably one of Loncey’s social media profiles. As Marty snickers and Rami tuts his boyfriend, I want to be swallowed up by an alternate universe where I simply don’t have to deal with innuendo, sex and sexuality ever again.
And yet, I don’t want to live in that world. Not really. At least not all the time. Because I’m not sex-repulsed, rather sex-irritable, if there is such a thing, but I suspect a lot of that has to do with my puzzling feelings about sex, and about what kind of a relationship I want or don’t want to have with it.
Fuck. It’s all so confusing.
I put my elbows on the table and lean my head in my hands.
“I’m sorry if that made you feel awkward, Maeve” Jenna leans closer to me as Jake shows Rami and Marty something on his phone. Probably a photo of Loncey topless, as they always are, their perfect pecs on display. “But would you rather we lied? Pretended we didn’t know of their work?”
“Yes!” I say, exasperated. “I’m totally okay with lying in that context.”
“Maeve,” Jenna says, more gently, and her hand sneaks into the crook of my bent arm. “You know, if you think this conference will be too much for you, you can always—”
“No!” I say. “I’m going to do the keynote. I meant what I said. Asexuality is not talked about enough and allosexuals need to know more about it in order to make asexuals feel safe and welcome and understood. I know it’s not exactly saving the planet, but if I can help in that one small but significant way, then I’m doing a good thing.”
Jenna squeezes my arm. “You really are. And for what it’s worth, I really do think Loncey will be a good colleague for you. Maybe even a friend.”
I snort. I already know the chances of that are slim, but I’m suddenly too tired to argue with Jenna.
“Just don’t tell your brother or he’ll be demanding autographs and sending a million questions about rigging.”
“Rigging?” I lift my head up to look at Jenna.
Jenna’s cheeks pinken. “Oh, it’s just a—”
“Don’t tell me!” I hold my hand up. “And pour me another glass of wine, please. I suddenly need another drink.”
Jenna dutifully obeys and I’m thankful when, after a huge gulp of wine, Jake’s phone has been put away and the conversation has moved on. Jenna and I discuss their plans for decorating the room that will be the baby’s but then she excuses herself, needing the toilet again, and I smile as she leaves in a small hurry. As the men continue to talk, I get my phone out and type a quick message to Loncey.
