We'll never know what Jake was thinking. But I sold my old car and drive around in his. He wanted me to have it, and I appreciate this little piece of him.
I kill the engine but don't move to get out just yet. My thoughts go to Alana and the way her brow creases every time she talks to me, as if I'm a puzzle she can't figure out.
My heart feels raw after talking to her about Jake. I've never told a woman that story before, about how we almost lost Jake as a baby. Or my admission about the guilt I feel about not protecting him. But something about being in that room with Alana made me want her to understand.
She thinks I'm a thug, gruff with big muscles, and maybe I am. Maybe the military made me that way. I shouldn't care what a caseworker thinks, apart from thinking I'm a good option for the boy, but I care very much what Alana thinks of me.
Which is a distraction I don't need right now. I push all thoughts of the curvy caseworker aside and get out of the car.
I use my key to let myself in and find Mom and Avery in the living room. Mom sits in an armchair with a steaming mug of coffee beside her. Her cheeks are pale, and she smiles thinly when she sees me.
"How you feeling, Mom?" I give her a kiss on the cheek, and I hate the way her skin feels papery.
"I'm doing fine, honey."
"Where's Dad?"
"He's in the kitchen making lunch. You want to stay?"
I wince at the thought of my father in the kitchen. "You let him in there?"
She chuckles, and it's good to hear her laugh. "It's baloney sandwiches. He can't mess that one up."
I'm not convinced, but I don't push the point.
"I'll go and get him," I say. "There's something I want you all to hear."
Mom's brow furrows.
"It's nothing bad, Mom, don't worry. It's about the boy."
I find Dad in the kitchen humming as he lathers thick slices of bread with butter. "You want a sandwich?"
He looks at me hopefully, but I shake my head. "I already ate."
I bring Dad through to the living room, and he takes a seat next to Mom. Everyone is looking at me anxiously, and I get straight to the point.
"I'm going to take the boy in."
Avery's mouth drops open, and Mom shakes her head. I hold my hand up before they can say anything.
"He's Jake's son. He belongs with this family. Before you say it, Mom: You and Dad can't take this on at the moment."
She opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off. "You need to put yourself first, Mom. You need to look after your own health."
"I agree," says Avery. "Which is whyI'mgoing to take him."
"No." I shake my head. "I appreciate the thought, Avery, but you're going to be wanting to start your own family soon."
I don't let her know that I already know her news. She'll tell me in due time. But there's a flicker of relief across her face.
"So that leaves me."
Dad clears his throat. "You sure you're up to it, son? What are you going to do when you're deployed?"
I take a deep breath. This will be the hardest blow to my family. "I'm leaving the Navy."
My dad remains stoic as ever, but the crease in his brow gives his thoughts away.
