But at this moment, my attention is on the one person I need in the most visceral way.
I stalk over to her, and we wrap each other in a hug. My face finds her neck, her soft hair bushing her shoulders. The sweet, honey scent of her shampoo fills my senses. She is my safe place and exactly who I need to be with, what I need in this moment of sorrow—and I fucking lose it. Sobs shake me to my core. And my woman just stands there and holds me, letting me fall apart, letting me feel every slice of pain this new reality is wielding.
32
Lainey
Never in my life have I experienced grief consume a room so quickly, so powerfully. One minute we were all laughing and talking about Deck coming home, and the next that possibility was literally shattered. The meaningful mug that was supposed to welcome him back with a special surprise smashed into a thousand jagged pieces and sliced into Sutton’s skin when she fell onto it.
After I held Remington for a while, he broke away from me to call his dad. Charles raced over immediately, bursting through the door, red-rimmed eyes hunting for his little girl. She looked so small in his arms when he held her, and a fresh wave of heavy tears flowed from her body. Charles held her, looking up to the sky unable to hold back the stream of his own tears, and murmured lovingly to her.
Renee’s presence in the house overwhelmed me. She snapped into a mode that I can only describe as “mother lion,” taking charge. Her grief was evident, but she locked in on what needed to be done for her daughter. She asked questions of the men there, took notes, organized plans. I had no idea how she knew what she was doing in this moment when Ijust felt totally numb and useless. I was in complete awe of her.
The death notification officer and the chaplain he brought with him gave all the necessary information before taking their leave. I have no idea how they do that job and not fall apart themselves at the end of every day.
Kendra had found a first aid kit in the kitchen and was sitting on the floor at Sutton’s feet gently cleaning her cuts. There were many, but thankfully none too deep or needing stitches.
“Kendra.” Sutton’s voice came out a hoarse whisper, and we all look at her, these being her first real words in a long time.
“I’m right here.” Kendra grabs Sutton’s hand, tears welling.
“The mug, I’m so sorry a-about the mug.”
“Oh, Sutton,” Kendra chokes out, pulling her into an embrace. “It’s okay, the mug, it’s only ... Don’t worry about it.”
Sutton’s whole body shakes, and Kendra looks to me and Remington, who pulls me close to his side. We feel helpless, and I know for him it’s even harder to not be able to swoop into a situation where someone is hurting and save them.
Charles walked back into the room and cleared his throat. “I just got off the phone with Derek’s father, Sean. He will be flying in tonight from Texas, and I offered for him to stay with us. He was Deck’s only other family.”
Renee nods her head and says, “That is good, he needs to be here with us. Why don’t you go get the house ready for him. I am staying with Sutton. Come back and pick us up in the morning. There are a lot of things we have to do, but today she needs rest ... for her and the baby.”
Charles first kisses Renee, then leans down and whispers something in Sutton’s ear. She doesn’t move at all, just blinksand stares at the window like she is seeing something we can’t. Charles gives Renee a concerned look, but she just shakes her head, and he nods, trusting his wife in their silent communication. He says goodbye to the rest of us and leaves to welcome another person that will need a lot of support into the fold.
The bright sun seemed like a mockery of what was happening today. Shouldn’t there be thunderstorms and turmoil? It did not feel appropriate to be sitting here on such a perfect summer day. I hadn’t been to many funerals in my life, and I definitely had never gone to a military funeral.
It was heartbreaking.
It was haunting.
It was powerful.
It rooted a panic inside of me that I could not shake no matter what I did.
When they played the song to honor Derek, “Taps” is what Remington told me it was called, it made a shiver crawl up my spine as tears ran down my cheeks. We sat directly behind Sutton in the family section. Deck’s father sat on one side of her and Charles and Renee sat on the other. Next to us, two of the members of the SEAL team Deck was a part of sat, stoic, fierce, and sporting various injuries.
Before the funeral I told Remington that I shouldn’t be in the family section, so close to the front. He growled at me and said I was going to be at his side where I belonged. Iwantedto be at his side, I just didn’t know what was appropriate and was trying to be respectful. These were uncharted waters for me, and all of my insecurities were surfacing.
Remington squeezes my hand, bringing my attention backto the chaplain. It isn’t the same man that came to the house, which I think is for the best. I’m not sure Sutton wants to see either of those men again. I don’t think I would.
The American flag draping the casket stands out amongst the uniforms and sea of black that the people in attendance are wearing. Two sailors step up and methodically, respectfully, and reverently fold the flag. A hush falls over the cemetery, like even the wind and the birds know that this moment is sacred.
Leaning in front of Sutton, one of the sailors speaks to her as he passes the flag over. “On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Navy, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”
Sutton takes the flag, hugging it to her chest, and she finally breaks after staying so strong during the whole service. Her cries run through the cemetery like a river, leaving no one untouched.
One of the SEALS next to us wipes a single tear sliding down his face.
Remington looks at me, and I see his handsome face, blurred through my own tears. He holds my face with his hand, rubbing his thumb along my jawline, and gently presses a kiss to my forehead. What words are appropriate to say when the world is turned upside down?
