“I don’t know.” Luka lowered his eyes to the floor. “I’m not great at figuring out plans quickly.”
“I will give you time to know what you’d like from me.”
“That’s not fair, Hikaru,” Luka protested. “This can’t just be up to me.”
Reno frowned. “I don’t know what else to offer.”
Luka scowled, everything else about the day falling away as his attention narrowed down to just Reno. Just them, sitting on the living room floor several feet apart. It didn’t matter what strangers said about either of them online. It didn’t matter if Joy’s slander never stopped. It didn’t matter if their relationship was always under observation. “You have to choose.”
Reno looked away.
“And if you pick me, you’re an idiot.”
“I thought that you liked that I’m kind of stupid.”
“I’m not going to let you choose me,” Luka snapped, ignoring Reno’s comment. He uncurled from himself, toes just barely touching Reno’s crossed legs, and fought the nasty urge to push. “I already said so.”
“And I disagree with you.”
“Finally!” Luka said, and Reno raised a brow. When Reno didn’t reply, Luka felt like pulling his hair out. “This whole time you’ve been soagreeable, you don’t pick fights with me, you don’t even butt heads with me over simple things like picking TV shows or food! You’ve bent over backwards left and right for me—don’t think I don’t see it and appreciate it—butgod damn it! If you think I’m wrong, you have to tell me. If you think something is going to hurt my feelings, you still have to tell me. If you think something will freak me out, you have to tell me. If you have a fucking stalker, you have to tell me! Get it?”
“Sort of.” Reno looked uncomfortable. “I just want to keep you safe, make you happy.”
“Do I seem happy?” Luka pointed at himself, knowing his expression had to be awful from the way Reno turned his face away. “Areyouhappy?”
Reno didn’t reply right away, chewing on his bottom lip.
“No.” He looked at Luka and the sadness Luka saw there made his throat close. “My life is falling apart around me. My family is in danger. My privacy has been invaded. I’m—” Reno’s expression shuttered. “I’mlosing you.”
Reno covered his face with his hands, and any composure he’d had before broke as he let out a muffled sob.
The anger Luka was holding on to snapped with the realization that he’d forgotten to think of how Reno was feeling. He rushed over to where Reno sat and scooted the mug away to wrap his arms tightly around Reno. Luka knew he had a right to be mad, but understood that whatever pressure Luka might befeeling at the moment was nothing compared to what Reno had to be experiencing.
“I know,” Luka whispered into Reno’s hair, holding him while he cried. As Luka kissed the top of Reno’s head, everything in his body felt tight and was quickly turning rigid, like he’d shatter everywhere if Reno sobbed again. “I actually came to find you to tell you this was all my fault, then chewed you out instead.”
With a sniffle, Reno pulled away. “Don’t say that.” His hands grasped at Luka’s shirt, wrinkling it where it had become damp from tears. “Please don’t blame yourself.”
“I do, and you can’t stop me. I knew we would end up here, but went along with everything anyway.”
“You doubted us that much?” Reno shrank into himself.
“One of us has to, remember? A few good months aren’t enough to show me that we’re built to handle this,” Luka said, but Reno was already shaking his head, looking almost angry and definitely hurt.
“We can,” Reno protested, his eyes squeezed shut and his face blotchy. “We can.”
Luka didn’t respond, his hands still holding onto Reno by the shoulders. In the lingering silence, the coffee eventually went cold, and Luka looked around Reno’s flat, at his instruments, at the pink blanket on the couch, at the show posters on the walls, and felt like a stranger.
“Let me think,” Luka said, once Reno didn’t sound in danger of bursting into tears again. “Go talk to your band, see what the label wants you to do. Then we’ll come back to this.”
“I don’t care what the label wants.”
“You say that, now.” Luka’s hands fell away, and he moved out of Reno’s space. “Make sure Cane picks you up. Please, don’t take the bus today. I’ll—” Luka swallowed. “I’ll be here, it isn’t like I have anywhere else to go.”
Things didn’t feel any better the next morning.
Reno had come home from the studio, exhausted with puffy eyes, and apologized to Luka.
He didn’t specify what he was apologizing for, only curled up on the couch, wrapping the blanket around him and staring at a blank TV screen. Reno didn’t eat dinner when Luka brought it to him, and Luka didn’t pressure him to. He didn’t feel like eating, either.
