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Kurt
I stared at the bottle of beer, knowing I had just fucked up. Royally. Sawyer was within my grasp, and I let her go. I wanted to say the words and rush to her…but I couldn’t. Picking up my beer, I toasted an imaginary evil. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll never be rid of you.”
This wouldn’t do. I needed something stronger to numb me completely. Love wasn’t something I wanted…or was capable of. I was exactly like my father. He had nearly crushed my mother when he decided he’d never loved her. I vowed I would never be the cause of such pain to anyone. As friends, I could keep Sawyer protected. She was too special to ever hurt. And every inch of the fucking apartment smelled like her. I couldn’t escape her.
I ambled to the cabinet to pull out the whiskey. I took a swig and let the alcohol burn. If only I could figure out a way to keep Sawyer without crushing her.
Chapter Five
Sawyer
Mom walked out onto the back porch, rested her cane against the wall, and sat in the rocking chair beside me. I was worried about my parents’ move to Colorado with her healing injury, but they thought everything would be fine. I still worried, but they tended to get aggravated when I fussed over them. And I wanted to stay in their good graces. From experience, I knew being an outcast was excruciating. When Mom had been in the hospital in Colorado, I’d only gone to visit for an hour a day, afraid to wear out my welcome.
No one knew the tenuous relationship we had. It was a constant effort to hide it from Kurt and Knoah. Even now, I waited for my mom to speak to me first before addressing her. To my friends, I had a loving relationship with my parents. Cameron and I knew the truth. In fact, it had been a living hell for a long time.
Don’t think about the past. Things are better now.
“Sawyer, what are you doing out here?” Mom asked.
“Just enjoying the view.” It was breathtaking to watch the seagulls dive into the ocean as the sun set.
In the morning, I would be heading to LA. Earlier, my parents accepted an offer on this house—my childhood home. Before I returned from the tour, it would be someone else’s. My last day here was bittersweet. A sense of nostalgia and relief swept through me. There were irreplaceable memories of this place with Mattie. Yet it had also been my prison until right before I met Knoah. Grief affected people in different ways, and I had been a convenient outlet for my parents and sister to use as a verbal punching bag. At least things were better, now.
And when things had been bad or Cameron and I had been ignored as children, there had been Nan. Our next-door neighbor had taught us how to cook, play cards, and be part of a family. I hadn’t seen my parents very often when I was a child. They were more concerned about their social circle. I could remember maybe three times my parents hugged me. Once had been in the hospital in front of the doctors when I broke my arm. Mattie seemed to soften them some, but they were still uninvolved. The dynamic was weird, but at the time, I’d thought nothing of it. Now I wasn’t so sure.
The rocking chair creaked with each back-and-forth movement. I ran my fingers over the spot under the edge of the seat where Mattie and I had carved our initials. Mom and Dad had no idea, or the chair would have been gone. Only a few memories of Mattie remained on this Earth. Maybe that was why I’d held onto this house for so long.
Mom wanted Mattie and Adriane to disappear as though they’d never existed. It was hard. Sometimes I felt like they wanted me to disappear, too, with how distant they’d become. This had gone on for years until Knoah came into my life. Yet they refused to give up the Colorado house, which had worse memories. It was odd. But I would never ask.
Thinking about how they acted still hurt. As it was, I blamed myself for what had happened. I was responsible for Mattie’s death. Over the years, Cameron and I had tried several times to bring her up, but at one point, Mom slapped me so hard it had left a bruise. Cameron wanted me to tell someone; I wanted it forgotten. It had been bad. And now, it was as if Mattie never existed. So instead of dwelling in the past, I focused on the fact that things seemed better now.
Mom touched my hand in a rare show of affection. “Everything will be fine. You always worried too much about things you shouldn’t.”
I wanted to talk about Mattie, but I pushed it aside. With my perfected fake smile frozen in place, I said, “You’re right. And I’ll get to see you guys a couple of weeks after you move to Colorado when the tour comes through town.” Though I’d rather go anywhere but the house in Colorado.
Mom retracted her hand and said, “Good. That’s for the best.”
My throat grew thick. Sometimes I felt like my parents didn’t even know me.
Chapter Six
Sawyer
I stepped off the plane and smiled. It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles. The sun shone bright in the cloudless sky. My email confirmed the surprise for Kurt in Denver was all arranged. I hoped he liked it. His mom had been more than touched when I’d asked, and she loved the idea of it being a surprise.
My phone vibrated.
Kurt: Waldo should be there to pick you up. We’re going over some last-minutes changes to our set.
Oh, I loved Waldo, the band manager.
Me: Sounds good. Have you seen the clothes yet?
Kurt: No, why?
Me: No reason.
My phone rang, and I answered it with a smile. “Why hello, Mr. Rockstar.”
