‘Like William and Kate,’ Harper joked when I told him that we needed to agree on our PDA boundaries. I don’t know that it’s quite the same thing, but I have no problem with him comparing our relationship to the romantic royals. We’re a couple, but we’re also at work a lot of the time – the Hendersohm team is more than just its two drivers, and we have to respect that. We’re also still competing against each other, and it’s just easier if we keep work and home separate.
I realise that there’s a deal of irony that this is how we’re finishing up the season – making sure that we remember that we have personal goals outside of how we operate as a team.
I’m just beyond thankful for him right now, because whilst I’m undeniably anxious about where I finish on the podium, he’s a calming presence. He never overthinks things, and I could use a bit of that attitude today.
If I hadn’t missed Singapore or had that crash in Italy, I’d already be guaranteed the win based on accumulated points. But that’s not how things worked out, so here we are. Yorris has a chance, as does the older Swede, and if all hell breaks loose then there are a few others who could challenge for the top spot.
No pressure, huh?
Maybe I’ll feel better if I talk to Harper about it, I think, and then he can help me not overthink it. I can’t afford a single mistake, after all.
I know I pick a terrible moment to have the conversation – just an hour before we climb into our cockpits – but he seems to be pretty much bombproof when it comes to being able to focus during a race.
‘This is it,’ I say, the words feeling thick and heavy on my tongue as I truly come to terms with my decision.
‘I know, baby. Last race. Can’t believe that this is the end of my first season.’
‘No, I mean, this is it. This is my last race,’ I say, hoping he’ll finally get the point.
‘What?’ His eyes widen.
I didn’t think this was going to come as such a shock to him, considering how much speculation there’s been, but I’ve well and truly caught him off-guard.
‘My last race ever. I’m ready to retire.’
For a second he’s nothing but silent and then he’s pulling me into the hardest, tightest hug I’ve ever had. He practically squeezes all of the air out of me in one big whoosh, but his hands cling to the back of my T-shirt, and in this moment I’m not sure who needs this hug more.
Tears bristle at the backs of my eyes but it’s okay because we’re together and at this point that’s what’s important.
‘I can’t believe it,’ he snuffles. ‘I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard, but you’ve been my hero on the track for so many years, and then we ended up on the same team, and now you’re my boyfriend, and I just wasn’t expecting it to be over so quickly.’ He chokes down the last few words and he pulls away to look at me properly, almost as if he’s making sure I’m serious.
‘You do realise I’m not breaking up with you, right?’ He chuckles – he’s got such a great smile. ‘You don’t need me here to be great – you know that, don’t you?’
‘I just thought, I don’t know, that we’d get another season together. It would have been nice. I don’t know what’s happening with Elijah, but I thought…’
‘Yeah, it would have been nice, but I’m done. I’m tired and I don’t know how much more my body can take. I want to go home. I want to be near my sister and the kids. I want to live in the cottage on Mum’s land and maybe get some chickens or a few goats. I’m ready for some peace.’
‘I don’t think getting farm animals is going to bring you much peace,’ he says with a laugh, but a choked sob in the back of his throat comes out, too.
I don’t know if the worry lines that crease his forehead are because he’s not sure where he fits into this, or because he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this, but I want to reassure him anyway.
‘I’m not sure what your plans are for the next three months, but do you fancy coming to live in the cottage for a few months? It’ll be Christmas soon and we can decorate and have log fires and wrap presents together…’
He tenses and I squeeze his hand.
‘You sure?’
‘More than anything. So what do you think? Do you want to move in with me?’
‘Yes, I’d love to. Move in, that is. I’m not sure about goats and chickens but one step at a time, right?’
‘Guess I should probably drop my agent a text and tell Anders I’m leaving, too.’ Probably should have done it when I decided, but I really want to get through the race today without anyone knowing so people don’t make a big deal out of it. I’m putting enough pressure on myself as it is to make this the big finale.
‘They don’t know?’
I shake my head. ‘I’ve only told Elise so far and that was a lot to do with me wanting to move back into the cottage. It shares land with Mums house and Elise’s, although, Elise hasn’t moved back out there yet and I have a feeling she isn’t going to.’
I’d thought after Mum had passed she’d want to return back to the home her and Grant had started to build, because Mum's place might hold too many bad memories. But she seems so content there, like it’s keeping her close to Mum even though she’s gone.
