Page 130 of Temporary Vows

And that’s the other problem… I care.

I care enough about her that I don’t want that.

That’s what got me into trouble tonight.

Something as simple, and as dangerous, as not wanting to upset her.

On top of that, the timing couldn’t be worse.

I have a flight in three hours. I head to L.A again then I’ll be gone for almost four weeks.

I’ll be back for a few scattered days—mandatory meetings at Vale Global—but my schedule is packed.

I won’t be able to see her.

That should be fine.

She knows I’ll be away. She knows I’ll be busy. It was the reason we didn’t go on a honeymoon.

But I’m already thinking about the aftermath.

By the time I get back, things will be awkward again.

So where does that leave me?

I get lost staring at my wife. My thoughts shift, moving around and around in my mind like pieces of a puzzle that refuse to fit, but want to. Every time they try to settle, I think of her and they fracture again.

It makes me wonder what would've happened if we'd gotten together in the past. Or maybe in some alternate reality where I wasn’t so fucked up.

Would our lives have been different?

Hers would. I would've made sure of it.

She wouldn’t have known suffering. Wouldn’t have dealt with men like Marcus. Wouldn’t have had to pick up the pieces after her family’s business collapsed.

No—I still wouldn’t have saved it. I stand by that. But the dangerous part is… she might’ve tempted me to try.

Things would've been completely different for her, but for me, not so much.

For me?

Not so much.

I’d still be the villain. I’m pretty certain I’d be the same in any dimension, and in every lifetime.

I can’t imagine a different past from the one I had.

And that was too twisted to erase.

People say monsters aren’t born, they’re made.

I’m proof of that.

When you're raised with a monster like my mother, what else can you be?

I guess that explains why I can’t love.

Something’s missing in me, so I’m not wired for it.