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“And he thinks Jardin is the right guy for this. I’m not feeling it myself. But if it helps you to start healing then I can deal.”
“But this isn’t just about me.”
“I don’t think I can submit to him. I’ve only ever done that with two people.” And only once had he submitted freely and willingly.
And both times had ended in disaster.
“So, I’m the only one doing this?”
He wasn’t being fair, he realized. “No, I’m here. For whatever you need. Maybe this can work for me too. We’ll have to wait and see. But if we go ahead with this and there’s something you can’t do or don’t want to do then all you need do is say your safeword.”
She nodded shakily. “Right. I guess. I just suppose I don’t know how this will work if I’m terrified of him touching me, p-punishing me.”
He closed his eyes at the fear in her voice. Not that he blamed her. Not one bit. He still had nightmares of punishments he’d received.
“What Vincento did to us, it wasn’t consensual or sane. It was abuse. Jardin isn’t like that.” But how do you know for sure? Those self-doubts would kill him.
“No, I know. I’m just not sure how I would react to-to a punishment.”
“Spanking is off the table then.”
She looked like she was about to protest. “What will he do if I break a rule then?
“I don’t know. We have to discuss it with Jardin, I guess. But we’ll tell him there is nothing physical between him and us.”
“Maybe . . . I mean, I might not freak out if you . . . if you were willing to . . . only if you wanted to. I mean, we could test it right now.”
He had to blink back tears. Something else a man never did. Wouldn’t his father be ashamed of him? But he hated how she hesitated. She shouldn’t ever be scared to ask him for something.
“Are you saying you want me to spank you? To see whether you can be spanked without . . .”
“Without losing it. Yeah. Will you?”
11
She was kind of shocked she’d worked up the courage to ask him. She’d been thinking about it for a while. She felt like everything was locked down tight inside her. She was so busy trying to pretend she was fine, she hardly ever let her real emotions free. Then they tended to spill out when things got too much. When she panicked and couldn’t breathe and felt ill.
And she hated feeling like that. So out of control and unsure of everything.
A spanking used to be therapeutic for her. She’d talked with Molly about it and the other woman thought it would be a good idea, in a safe environment, to test how she reacted.
Except, she’d been too scared to ask Julian. Worried he might not be able to handle it. Afraid she’d ask too much and upset him.
“Kitten, are you sure?” he asked in a soft voice. He reached out and tilted up her chin. “I don’t want to do anything that might remind you of him.”
“You could never remind me of him,” she told him fiercely.
His eyebrows rose.
“You were there with me, Julian. You’re the only person who knows what he was like. Who knows what he did to us.
You’re the person I trust most in the world. I know you’re not him. And I hate that he took this from us. Before . . . before me met Vincento, this all felt right. We’ve lost our way. We’ve lost that part of ourselves, and I want to see if we can regain some of it. You know I’ve always found it hard to talk about things that are worrying me or letting myself process through stuff properly. And that’s only gotten worse since.”
“I know, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t see how you were struggling.”
“I should be able to do it myself. I’m weak.”
“Kitten, look at me.” His voice was stern, brooking no argument.
