The mention of magic just reminds me of Abby, and I exhale a sharp sigh through my nose. I do not have the energy for this.
“Please, can we just…?” I gesture to the empty gym equipment.
“Gray,” he says and holds out his hand to Destiny. She introduces herself, returning his shake. “He’s dealing with a bit of a sore heart; you’ll have to forgive him.”
“Is it that girl?” Destiny asks as we all move into the gym space. I start with my warm-up on the treadmill, and Gray and Destiny take up a place on the machines on either side of me.
“Yeah, it’s the girl.”
“Your ex-girlfriend,” Destiny clarifies.
“Abby,” Gray confirms.
Just her name has my chest feeling tight, and I rub at it, as if that would ease the ache, but of course it does nothing because the pain isn’t on the outside.
“What did you do?” Destiny asks.
“Thank you for assuming it was my fault.”
“You are a boy—it probably is your fault,” she says.
“It’s a long story,” I mutter, turning up the speed on the treadmill. My heart rate starts to pick up. It won’t be long before my head clears, then maybe I can talk about it.
“I have time,” Destiny says.
I ignore her, focusing instead on the steady thump of feet against the treadmill belt. The drone of the machine and the rhythmic steps are my meditation, and by the time my warm-up is done, I already feel a little more grounded.
Sweat therapy is all I needed.
Gray, Destiny, and I move to the machines and start our respective workouts. About halfway through my second set of chest presses, Destiny tries again.
“Ready to talk about it?” She hovers nearby. Gray is spotting me, standing behind my head.
I rack the weights and sit up on the bench, propping my elbows onto my knees. I pick at a stray hangnail and tell them what happened. How I asked her to be my girlfriend and she asked for time to decide. How I thought we were on the same page, but I feel like I was reading a different book.
“I know how selfish I sound, and I can see in retrospect how badly I fucked that conversation up. And I lost her. I lost her again. And I?—”
I choke on my own words as my chest tightens, squeezing sensations zipping from my heart straight to my throat. I feel exactly like I did last night, like everything around me is collapsing and I’m once again losing the only thing I ever wanted outside of hockey.
My heart rate picks up, and I stand abruptly, unable to draw in a full breath. My lungs aren’t working properly; something is stuck in my diaphragm. I set my hands on my ribs and lean back, hoping it will help me get some air, but it doesn’t help. It’s too stuffy in here, and my breaths are coming in too quick. I need to go outside. My heart is beating too hard, too fast. I can feel it in my throat, in my wrists. Am I having a heart attack?
I press my hand to my chest and lean over. I feel dizzy, but not world-spinning dizzy—more like at any moment my feet will lift off the floor. I’m in danger. I am not okay. I have to get out of here so I can fucking breathe.
“Miles, are you—” my brother starts, but I’m already out the gym doors, trying to catch my breath, walking in circles, pressing on my chest. Tears are in my eyes and I don’t even care, because I think I’m dying and my hands are starting to go numb. I shake them out, my breathing coming even quicker now. I’m vaguely aware that I’m hyperventilating, but I can’t seem to stop.
Oh, fuck. Fuck, this is so bad. This is?—
Gray’s hand alights on my back. “Hey, hey. Miles, breathe, buddy.”
“I ca—I can’t. I can’t. I can’t catch—it’s—” I gasp for air, tears streaming down my face. I have never felt so scared in my entire life and I don’t know why.
Gray grabs my arms, forcing me to be still. “Look at me,” he says, and his commanding voice yanks my attention to him. “Breathe with me.”
Gray takes an exaggerated breath in, and I try to mirror him, but my breath gets caught somewhere. I still can’t take a full breath. I can’t breathe.
“I can’t,” I say.
“You can. You’re doing great. Let it out.” He purses his lips and exhales through them.
