“And what of you? Where will you be when I return?”
Rose rolled her shoulders and took a deep breath. “Riding out in the countryside somewhere, feeling the wind in my hair.”
“That sounds wonderful. I wish I could join you,” he said. Many of his words were teasing jests, but this time she sensed sinceritybehind them. Then, she made the mistake of looking at him. The power of his gaze made it feel as though something was being torn apart inside her.
“And I wish…” she began, but could not bring herself to finish that sentence. “We must live the lives we have always wanted, Edmund. This has been fun, but it is not what either of us really wants. Even if things were different, we might end up resenting each other in the future, having allowed our feelings to trap us.”
“Then you admit that you do have feelings,” he said, arching an eyebrow. This time, Rose did not run away. She wore a wistful smile and gently reached up to stroke the side of his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying this touch that they both knew would not last forever.
“Of a kind,” she said, but that was as far as she was willing to admit. He opened his eyes, and it felt as though he was searching for something in hers. Perhaps she was searching for something in his as well.
“You have made me look at things differently, Rose. I was not expecting to enjoy my time with you this much. I am glad that someone aside from my sisters has gotten to know the real me, even if it is not entirely a pleasing view.”
“You should try being more genuine with people. Look around you,” she gestured back to the house. “This place has been alive with people who want to spend time with you. You are not fooling them all, Edmund. You are well-liked, and you donot have to play the role of the rake forever. You could have a fulfilling life. All you have to do is take it.”
“And take it I shall,” he said.
There was something that remained unspoken. She could feel the words rushing through her head.
But not with you.
It was difficult to think clearly. It felt as if knives were twisting her heart into shreds. She could have easily thrown her arms around him and held him close, but she sensed that if she started kissing him, she might never stop. She pulled her hand away from his cheek, but then he grasped her chin, and she saw the intent in his eyes. His lips parted, and she nearly glimpsed paradise.
But she turned her head away.
“Edmund…”
“Just one moment, Rose. One moment where we might glimpse the life we could have together.”
“It would not remain a glimpse,” she whispered, wrapping her hands around his, then lowering her head. She kissed his palm, unable to resist. It was as far as she would permit herself to go. “I must go back inside. This is... inappropriate. We should not be spending so much time together.”
“They do not care.”
“I do,” she replied, and tore her lips away from his hand. She turned on her heels before she had a chance to consider her actions, because she knew that her thoughts would betray her. Tears misted her eyes as she crashed through the door, leaving Edmund behind on the terrace.
The warmth of the hall engulfed her. She was suddenly amid a cacophony of noise and conviviality, with people toasting one another and spinning in a dance. Her mind was dizzy, and she found it difficult to keep her balance. Her stomach was sloshing around like a boat caught upon tumultuous waves, and her lips still craved his.
Oh, how they craved him. She pressed them tightly together.
No, she thought to herself.I shall not think this way. I shall not feel this way. I am stronger than this. I do not love him. I donotlove him.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The morning light was pale. Edmund couldn’t remember sleeping. All he could remember were Rose’s kisses on his palm and the faint echo of tears lingering on his skin. Pain settled in his heart. Raw anguish. The kind that he inflicted on women and had never borne himself. He was in a dark mood when he awoke, and he wished he did not have to play host for another day.
George came in to help him dress as the valet had left abruptly and a new one was yet to be hired.
“I want them gone as soon as possible. I tire of this party,” Edmund said, sharper than he intended.
“Of course, Your Grace. I am sure they will have no trouble leaving once breakfast has finished.”
“Good. I have had enough of it. Enough of all of this,” he muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Cancel any social engagements I have for the next month or so.”
“As you wish, Your Grace,” George said, then hesitated. “Even the?—”
“Everything,” Edmund cut in, not raising his voice this time, but with clear impatience. He turned away, jaw tight, as if the effort to remain composed cost him more than anger would have.
“Your guests are waiting for you, Your Grace,” George said gently as Edmund made no motion to move. Edmund pressed his lips together and composed himself. Once again, he had to force his own feelings deep down and wear a mask palatable to others. Then again, he would not allow memories of this party to be of a surly host who was abrasive and bitter.
