“Do you remember Jenica Adams?” He squinted.
“The cheerleader in your year? Not really. Just the name, not the person.”
“Yeah, her. Well, we were pretty smashed at a party one night, and ended up in one of the bedrooms, but it wasn’t working for me down there. She blamed it on whiskey dick, but in my drunken assholery, I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak like that, so I said, ‘No, it’s because youdon’thave a dick.’ Which could have gone worse. She was relieved I was gay instead of not attracted to her.”
“Holy shit,what?”
He laughed. “Yeah. Teenagers.” He laughed again. “Anyway, I sobered and freaked out. She promised not to tellanyone and that we’d be best friends. Until the next party, where she got too drunk and told everyone.”
“I… what?What? How do I not know this?”
“I don’t know, Finn. How do you not?” He squinted, then released. “Maybe since you were a freshman, and I was a senior…? But I’m pretty sure the whole school gossiped about it.” He chuckled. “Then again, I was only gay in theory. It’s not like I was caught balls deep in the tight end. So it died off quickly. Maybe that’s why you didn’t know?”
“I mean… maybe? But your brother was my best friend. How could that’ve missed me?”
He frowned and shook his head. “You tell me.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” The memory hit me like a baseball bat to the skull. A few people were talking about Ryder, but stopped when they realized I was listening. “I remember something about you coming out at a party. But I think… yeah, Miles called me that night and told me you came out to your parents, and everything was cool. Maybe people didn’t gossip to me because they knew how close I was with you guys?”
“Outedat a party, but, yeah, I told my family the next day. And that’s a good point. Everyone knew you two were tight.”
“So, what happened with the team?”
Ryder sighed. “At first, it was no big deal. People were whatever about it, but then Istvan Miller and Peter Hogsbreth told the coach they didn’t want to shower with me. Then their parents complained about me being in the locker room at all. My parents threw a fit, and the coach told their parents to kick rocks, but the administration was iffy.”
That landed in my gut, and I leaned on the table so hard it creaked. “What the ever-loving fuck, Ryder? Are you kidding me?”
“Nope. Van and Pete were assholes, but their dads were worse. I could’ve pushed it, but it was just easier for me tochange elsewhere.” He shrugged. “And it was nicer showering at home with real shampoo and soap. That’s why I wasn’t around after games my senior year, which was what sucked pretty hard, not gonna lie.”
I had no recollection of that happening. He was also on varsity, while I was on the freshman team, so maybe it didn’t filter down?
I didn’t speak for a second, and he said, “Miles didn’t tell you any of that?”
“I don’t remember him saying anything about it, no. But we talked about you being gay. He made sure I was cool with it, or he’d beat my ass, or some shit. I must’ve repressed it along with my crush on you. Doesn’t mean he didn’t, and I’m way more fucked in the head than I thought.”
“Huh.” Ryder went quiet and wouldn’t look at me. “I tried to keep it under wraps. So did they. As far as I’m aware, no one else on the team knew what was going on. And I made Miles swear not to tell anyone. He was so pissed, but I made him promise. I always figured he told you.” He looked at me. “He really didn’t?”
“Not that I remember.”
Ryder’s face fell. “Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he kept his word.”
“Why would you want to keep it under wraps? Fuck them. Why not burn the fucking place down and expose them for the shitty bigots they were?”
His eyes fluttered before looking at me again. “I guess I was embarrassed. Like something was wrong with me. But also, it’s not my job to fix bigots.”
The table groaned harder under my weight. “How could you feel embarrassed, or like something was wrong with you?”
He shook his head. “I was a kid. Shit like that is huge for kids. Being any kind of different is a life sentence. And I was popular and shit, and… I dunno. Fucked up, I guess.”
“Fuck. Ry. I’m so sorry.” I tried to smile, but I’m sure I looked sadder than he did. We were quiet for a few minutes. I found my appetite and took a few bites. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much. My skull felt like it was filled with angry bugs.
I said, “I wish I knew back then and said something. I’m sorry for being such a dense idiot.”
“That would’ve made it worse, trust me. They would’ve come after you, and I didn’t need any more collateral damage from my coming out.” He chuckled. “It’s really not a big deal. It happened forever ago, and I’m well over it. But I appreciate you caring, either way.”
“Fuck, man.” We stared at each other for a moment. “I gotta be honest, I didn’t think about you coming out often, but that’s so different from how I saw it. ‘Cause when I did, it was kinda comforting? Like, it was cool how everyone was so cool. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“It was comforting to you?” His head tilted.
