“I guess? Maybe that’s the wrong word? More like, it was nice knowing people weren’t assholes, but I was clearly wrong.”
“Hmm.” He searched my face. “No, I think that might be the right word.” He stared at me. “Maybe, from your perspective, you knew you might have to come out one day too, and thinking it was easy for me was palliative?”
“Uh… yeah, maybe? If palliative means what I think it means.”
“Soothing.” He smiled. “My parents, family, and friends aren’t bigots, and as an adult, I know their reactions meant way more than a couple of cousin fuckers on my high school footballteam.” He chuckled. I didn’t. “So, from your perspective, it still is palliative.”
“I guess. Still shitty though.” I wasn’t avoiding his eyes, but I didn’t meet them either.
Ryder said, “Do you think you’re so upset about my coming out because you’re worried about telling your parents, and just not thinking about it?”
I looked at him, then back at my burger. Maybe that was a blind spot, but I didn’t think so. Instead of saying that, I sat and thought about it for a while.
After a minute, I said, “I haven’t given a lot of thought to telling my parents.”
“I’m shocked,” Ryder said with a chuckle.
“But I don’t think it bothers me? My parents have both been vocal about human rights for everyone, including LGBT+ people. Maybe they’ll be surprised, but I don’t think they’ll care.”
“You’d be surprised how much parents know about their kids but never say. Miles and Lena were shocked, but my mom knew, and my dad had suspicions. Yours might know, too.”
I laughed hard, but didn’t know what was funny. It took a minute to stop. When I did, Ryder looked at me like I was crazy.
I said, “No, man. You don’t know my parents. I’d be surprised if both of them knew my middle name, birth date, and where I work at the same time.”
Ryder cocked an eyebrow, then let it fall. “Why do you say that?”
“I dunno, just how they are. They’re good parents. They love me, and I love them. Gave me everything I needed or wanted.”
“So then why did you say that? And laugh like the goddamn Joker?”
I laughed. “Just… I dunno, man. I mean, I know they love me, but they worked hard all the time. Dad’s a lawyer, andMom’s a vice president. They’re the kind of people to throw money at a problem. I was falling on my face in math class, so they hired two tutors, in case one wasn’t enough. I was a nervous kid, scared of my own shadow, so they got me private football lessons and paid for me to be on a travel team.”
“Oh shit,” Ryder said.
“What?”
“No, just… When you told me about what that coach said to you, it makes sense now.”
“How so?”
He shifted in his chair. “I didn’t understand how an off-handed comment could change how you interpreted the world, but…” He squinted. “Maybe he was the first authority figure to pay attention to you, and you took what he said literally. And to heart.”
“Fuck.” I blinked. “Maybe. He was the best coach I ever had. He still checks up on me from time to time.”
His smile was warm, and I wished we were on his couch watching trashy TV. “It’s crazy how that shit can affect kids. Especially when their parents don’t have enough time for them.”
“That’s kinda it. I know they care, they just weren’t around much. If I came to them with something, they’d help. Just that their help came with a price tag, you know? I had everything I ever wanted, but like, not my dad at my games, kinda thing. You know?”
“Yeah, man. I can see that.”
The buzzing in my head stopped, and I saw something I never had before. “Actually, after becoming friends with Miles, it felt good that your dad was at my games. He was there for Miles, but after a while, it felt like he was there for me too.”
“He was. He used to say he had three sons, even when you weren’t around,” Ryder said with a chuckle. “Both of my folks did.”
My chest tightened along with my throat, and my eyes stung. “Really?”
“Totally.” Ryder laughed more. “You were always part of the gang. Once you’re in, you’re in for life.”
