I let my hand fall down to the fabric between us, my brow pinched."Yes, it's important," I said distantly."I want to be able to chart my own path."He knew that; he'd seen it in me, back on the ship, and had made me feel perfectly understood.Held and valued.Now, though…
"You shouldyieldbecause you are soft and vulnerable, and you will die in the arena.I do not wish to see you harmed again."He stood, then, and paced away, and each step felt like there was something between us that was being pulled tighter and tighter, closer to snapping with each passing breath."So yield, and I will address your debt and you will be free to make your own way."
"I thought I could help."It sounded weak, even to my own ears.Tremulous.
He didn't even look back, drawing near to a window and staring out at the fading light beyond, his arms crossed hard against his body."You are a liability.You should notbehere, Sashen.I wish to help you, but you must yield.You cannot jeopardize my path to victory – not when the lives of my creche-mates depend upon my success, as does your own."
A thousand questions clamoured for space in my mouth, but I swallowed them all down, even as they cut and scraped against my throat."Okay," I said, mind reeling."If you think it will be better."
"It is not what I think, Sashen.It is what I know."
He had called me soft and vulnerable.A liability.Where had I gone wrong?Where had I stumbled, here with Araxis who had been the only part of this whole thing that made any sense?He was suddenly a stranger to me.
I cleared my throat and stood, heart thudding against my ribs.Iwasout of breath, as if I'd been running laps."I guess I'll go then."
"Hm."He still didn't turn, so I just stared at the line of his back, the white and black of his crest, the hard angles of his elbows and arms, silhouetted against the window to the world beyond."Do as you must."
So I went, and even though I'd been asleep for ages, I crawled back into bed and willed myself into unconsciousness.I didn't want to think, and the blackness came when I called.
Inclusion #47
Transcript, excerpt of unedited footage of Day 8 interview with Andiri of Creche Ena
Interviewer, ketaari moniker Sky Pebble
SP: How are you holding up?
ACE: I do not understand.I am holding nothing.
SP: Sorry.I meant, how are you feeling after your conversation with Araxis of Creche Thiel?
ACE: I am in control of my emotions.
SP: Of course you are.Could you walk me through what happened when he turned down your offer?
ACE:Hedid not offer.I told him he should.He said no.He wants a human virra.It is a mistake.A virra would not be a strong ally on the sands.A human virra is worse – weak on the sands, weak off the sands.
SP: We've had quite a bit of engagement from abayan broadcasters who are fairly invested in the, hm, connection between Sashen Solar and Araxis of Creche Thiel.You think it's a poor choice for Araxis to be so set on Sashen?To offer for him?
ACE: In Creche Ena, our head of house expects excellence.It is why I am here, to prove I can be all that she needs.Creche Thiel is not even a creche.Araxis of Creche Thiel is not a head of house worth following.That virra is not a treasure.
SP: Would you say your feelings arehurt?Because you told Araxis you would declare for Creche Thiel, and now you're saying –
ACE: I am saying – I amsaying– [threatening subvocalization, like a growl; switches to abayan] You understand nothing.None of you understand.When I am finished on the sands, I will cut a bloody swath through the rest of this complex.You will see what value I offer to any creche strong enough to offer for me.[stands up andstorms out of the room; continues to speak under her breath, but audio cuts out]
SP: Well.Be sure we get Salehu in here for Andiri's next interview.I don't want to be alone with her.No,youdon't count.What are you going to do, threaten to film her at an unflattering angle?I need someone who could break her neck before she breaks mine.Yes, Iwilltake that up with central: I have safe workplace clauses in my contract!
Chapter 21 –Heart Made of Glass
I woke up to a slew of messages from Silver Sea.What was that about?Then, an hour later,Good for numbers though.Got it out in the afternoon broadcast.Viewers are quite distressed (and excited).Then,You could try to tell him you're falling in love with him,and finally,Check your schedule.Press conference has been arranged for this evening.Very curious about alliance, your debt, and your plan to yield.Human journalist will be attending as well.
Great.Someone else to intimidate and/or insult me.
I rolled out of bed and got on with it.I dressed and ate, moving through the motions mechanically, like I had back at the den.At least my body felt a bit more familiar to me; at least this numbness was one I knew.I went down to the training area and ran hard, fast laps.I pretended I couldn't see Araxis practicing his sword forms.I just ran harder, as if I could outrun our last conversation.I'm yours; you're mine.Apparently not.Apparently I was his, and he was just putting up with me.
I went to the pool and studiously swam lengths, letting the water cool my core temperature; that had to have been the fastest I'd ever run, although given how Neern had been lapping me, it wasn't fast by galactic standards.Was there anything about me that was remarkable by galactic standards?Unlikely.
When I finally climbed out of the pool and steeled myself to go back past the training area – maybe Araxis would be gone and I could do my own practice forms – the other abaya, Andiri, was waiting.Her skin was mottled gray, her crest unbound and rattling behind her as she took me in.She fluted out a hard sound of disgust as I stepped onto the decking and slung a towel around my shoulders.
