FIFTY-ONE
The room is silent. My eyes remain locked on the doorway where Mackie just escaped. I stumble forward to follow him, but Henry stops me, pushing me back to the bed. “You need to rest. I’m sure he doesn’t want to see you right now, so I’ll go, okay?”
“I need to explain!” The idea of Mackie walking out the door and never coming back has the pounding in my head intensifying.
“Later,” he snaps. “Sit now or I’ll get someone to cuff you.”
I sink into the bed, burying my head in my hands as he leaves. Conan and my dad are still here, but I can’t stop tears from filling my eyes.
I should reassure my father, but Mackie is all I can think about. The look on his face as he backed away from me, lost and broken, destroys me, ripping me to pieces. I thought I was doing the right thing by not telling him. There was nothing he could do to fix this and he would obsess over it. He would be scared and watch me every day. He wouldn’t be happy with me like he was. I just wanted us to have a life to last a thousand years, so when my time came, I had no regrets, but now I’m alone and terrified I made the biggest mistake of my life by being stubborn.
“Son, he isn’t lying?” my dad whispers, and I lift my head, tears trailing down my cheeks. “Oh fuck, he isn’t, is he?”
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I whisper as he sinks backwards. Conan catches him and guides him to a chair. “I didn’t want to worry you.”
He doesn’t speak, and I swallow. My attention is split between my father and where Mackie just left. I need to go after him. I need him to understand. I need to fix this.
“Okay, okay. We know now, so we can . . . I need to make some calls.” My dad stands abruptly. “I’m on a few boards. I can get some second and third opinions. Don’t worry, your father will handle this. You’ll be fine.”
It’s what my dad does, focusing on things he can control. I know he’s doing it to cope, so I let him. I watch him leave, determined to call every surgeon and doctor in the world until he can fix me. If only he could fix my breaking heart as well . . .
Rolling my lips in, I stare at the door, hoping Mackie will come back in. I’d even take him screaming at me, anything as long as he was here. He doesn’t, though, and my heart shatters. Slumping back in the bed, I feel my chest heave with the force of my sobs. Conan doesn’t say anything, and neither do I. After all, what is there to say? We aren’t friends. We just love the same man. It ties us together in a way nothing else will.
Conan stays, which surprises me. He sits silently at my bedside, and I stare up at the ceiling, tears trailing down my cheeks into my hair until the silence drives me insane. “What? Not going to shout at me?”
“No, I’m sure you’re doing that enough for all of us,” he murmurs. “I finally understand what you meant and why you were relieved when Mackie wanted to date both of us. You knew if you died, he would still have me.”
Swallowing, I look at him, and he sighs.
“You’re an idiot, Noah. Even if he had me, it wouldn’t fix his broken heart from losing you. Mackie loves me, but we aren’t each other’s first loves. We are a steady kind, but you? You’re his first, his great love. It would ruin him if he lost me, but losing you would kill him.”
I shake my head, not wanting this conversation right now.
“You need to rest,” Conan mutters. “Get some sleep. I’ll check on Mackie.”
He leaves as well, and I’m alone and so fucking scared, I can’t breathe.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I wake up, the lights are down low and I can tell time has passed. Turning my head, I find my blankets shuffled around me, and Conan sits at my side. He meets my eyes before turning, and I follow his gaze.
Relief floods me when I see Mackie.
He is curled up on the couch with his back to me, clearly asleep. “He cried himself to sleep.” Conan’s voice is low, but it demolishes me like nothing else. “He wouldn’t leave. He doesn’t want to talk to you right now, but he couldn’t leave you alone,” Conan says before looking at him. “You never planned to be in his life forever, Noah, and you wanted me to piece his heart back together when you died.”
“I had no choice?—”
“Bullshit, that’s selfish. I heard the doctor. There’s a treatment.”
“It could kill me!” I freeze, glancing at Mackie. I don’t want to wake him. He needs sleep.
Conan looks at him before sighing, his voice low and slow. “And this won’t kill you? Noah, you’re going to die. You realize that, right? Are you really willing to do this to Mackie? He would never recover. He loves you so much. I lost someone I love, and I can tell you, it isn’t something you ever get over. Don’t do this to him. Get the damn treatment and live a long life with him . . . with both of us. He needs you.”
Looking away, I admit something I never have before, not even to myself. “I’m scared.”
I hear him sigh, and his hand touches my arm. “Are you more scared of dying or losing him? That’s your choice right now. I know why you kept this from him, but you weren’t protecting him. You were protecting yourself. You’re stubborn, rude, and selfish?—”
“Fuck, thanks,” I grumble.
“So be a little more selfish. Fight and win and keep him forever. Please, Noah, don’t break his heart.” That drags my gaze back to him, and he squeezes my arm. “I’m going to get some coffee. Don’t fuck this up again, Noah. You break that boy’s heart any more, you’ll never get it back.” Standing, he heads over to Mackie and places a gentle kiss on his head before shooting me a glare and walking to the door. He’s right, and his words echo in my head, calling me on my selfishness and feeling sorry for myself.
