“Racers or racer?” he teases, his eyes sparkling as he looks over at me. He’s a few years younger than me, and we met after my last major crash. Unlike all the other doctors, he didn’t look at me with pity. Right from the get-go, he would tease me and talk to me like we’re friends. He would stop by on his rotations at lunch and eat with me. When my world was crumbling, he became a friend, even if he is a doctor.
“Shut it, doc. Don’t you know being a know-it-all isn’t good?” I grouse.
“Sure, you tell me every time. How is that cutie?” he asks as he leans back in his chair. “The one whose picture I found in your wallet.”
The biggest regret of my life. I’d left it here by mistake, and the dickhead stole a few bills for coffee to wind me up and found Mackie’s picture.
“You know, there’s this thing called a doctor-patient relationship,” I begin.
“Eh, I never got that.” He shrugs. “So tell me, have you stopped being stupid and asked him out?”
“No,” I mutter, and he sighs.
“Noah, why not?” he asks, leaning into his desk.
“You know why,” I snap before rubbing my head. I feel him watching me, and I don’t want to see his pity.
“How have your headaches been? Nosebleeds?” he presses.
“Fine. No worse than normal.” It’s a lie, but honestly, what else can he do?
“Noah—”
“Don’t,” I snap. “Don’t tell me that it’s under control and that I can live my whole life—” I swallow. “Don’t give me hope when there is none, okay? I’ve come to terms with it. I won’t change my mind. I won’t let anyone close enough to get hurt by this. Now, doc, how’s the scan?”
He watches me sadly for a moment before turning his screen and showing me. I run my eyes over it, knowing what to look for by now. “Noah.” He draws my gaze. “Everyone needs love. Everyone needs someone to support them—a friend, family, or a loved one. Blocking them from your life out of fear and trying to protect them won’t stop them from getting hurt. It will just make it hurt worse when they find out. So, are you really trying to protect them, or are you just scared?”
“Scared? I’ve never been scared. You know that,” I protest.
“Not of dying or driving fast cars . . . but this? Loving someone? Yeah, I think you are. I think you’re scared of getting your hopes up and it not ending well. That’s life, buddy. Shit happens. You make mistakes, hurt people you love, and get in and out of relationships. It’s part of being human. Don’t deprive yourself of that. Stop holding yourself back, Noah. It’s not a selfish, heroic act. Ask yourself this—if the worst does happen, will it hurt less because you didn’t tell them youloved them, or will it hurt more because you didn’t make the most of your time together?”
He turns his screen toward him, and I stare at him.
“Think about it,” he demands, “and come for your next checkup, or I’ll show up at your garage. Hell, I might just do that anyway to see that cutie.”
“He’s not your type,” I grumble.
“No, but he’s yours,” he teases. “Alright, off with you, grumpy. I have other patients, ones who want to live.”
“Smart-ass,” I mutter as I stand, but I hesitate. “You think it would hurt them anyway?”
“You don’t stop caring for someone just because they push you away,” he comments. “And if he’s like you said, then I don’t think anyone will stop him from caring for you, so yes, I think it would hurt him.”
“He’s moving on. It’s good,” I say.
“For whom? Not for you. I hate to tell you, but you look miserable.”
His words haunt me the entire way to the garage.
Do I look miserable?
Will it hurt less just because I want it to?
Could I really break Mackie’s heart like this?
Haven’t I already? I just wanted to protect him, but maybe I hurt him more than this ever could.
FIFTEEN
