Prologue
Josie
Whydowedoit? Why do we, women, arguably the stronger, smarter, and savvier of the two sexes, put our bodies through so much pain? The pain isn’t even the worst part, by the way. It’s the change. So much change. Morning sickness. The stretch marks. Getting comfy just to have to pee as soon as we find that sweet spot. Gestational diabetes. Preeclampsia. All of it.
We go through so much to have a baby. Not only does our body completely change to make the baby but then—on top of it all— we have to birth it.
Why do we do it?
My labor started out strong, and I’ve been progressing well. Then right as we settled in at the hospital, it just stopped. Stuck, dilated at six centimeters. I try everything to get things moving. I go for a walk, bounce on a huge exercise ball—every tip and trick I know, I try. The OB-GYN comes in and checks me again, but sadly, no progression.
It’s frustrating, my brain begins to tell me how I’m failing this. First baby? No problem, but this one? Absolute failure and they aren’t even here yet. My body ismadefor this. So, why did my body start working against me? I feel like I’ve been at this for hours.
“Ughh” I groan in pain and frustration as another contraction hits. I work on my breathing, crushing Monty’s hand in mine. I can hear the wince in his voice from my grip as he talks me through the contraction, but doesn’t complain. Good man.
“I know this is not the most ideal situation.” Staci, my midwife says as she passes me some ice chips. Putting one in my mouth I let the chill washover my tongue, as I try to calm my racing thoughts. Monty is beside me, rubbing circles on my lower back. “We can still get to a vaginal birth, we just keep doing what we are doing.”
“Do you want to try the exercise ball again babe?” Monty asks, applying a bit more pressure to his movements on my back. Moaning a sigh of relief as a bit of tension eases. Nodding my head, he helps me off the hospital bed and gets me comfortable in this new position. He sits in front of me as I begin to bounce on the ball, my hands on his knees for support.
With every passing minute my hope crumbles, and plans of a vaginal birth are starting to change the longer I stay at six centimeters.
It’s been about half an hour now, I’m tired, and I just want to sleep. Tears well up in my eyes and flow down my cheeks. Warm hands cup my face and I look up into Monty’s concerned gaze. “What’s wrong? What do you need from me?”
A quiet sob leaves my lips, “I’m just so tired.” More tears flow, but his thumbs swipe them away before they can cascade down my cheeks. He presses his lips to my forehead, “I can’t even imagine how tired you are, babe. You’re so strong. Why don’t we get you back on the bed and you can close your eyes and try to get some rest.” Nodding my head, he grabs my hands and helps me get to a standing position.
Just as I get comfortable the monitor that has been on my stomach tracking the baby's heartbeat starts to go off. My nurse runs in and looks me over before telling me she needs to get the doctor.
The next few minutes are a whirlwind as we’re told that the baby's heart is decelerating and we need to consider a c-section. If we don’t, there is a possible risk of harming the baby. In that moment, my birthing plan is thrown out the window. A healthy baby is all that matters, and as much as I wanted to deliver naturally, I can’t risk it.
I couldn’t live with myself if something went wrong. Monty holds my hand as they get ready to wheel me off and he has to go gowned up. His eyes stare down into mine, his eyes lit with determination. “Look Josie, I know this isn’t what we had planned.”
A nurse comes in just then, “We need to head over to the operation room now.”
“Just give us a minute.” Monty says, his eyes not leaving mine, I see the nurse nod her head and leave from the corner of my eye. Giving us a few minutes, “I know this wasn’t part of your birthing plan. I have seen you work so hard, you are so strong Jojo. I am so fucking proud of you, and I love you so much.” He leans forward and quickly presses his lips to mine. “A heathy mama and baby is the end goal, no matter how it is we get there.”
I nod my head, agreeing. He’s right. “A healthy baby.” Affirming what he just said. “Okay, let’s do this.”
The nurse comes back and leads me to the operating room, Monty gets gowned up, they give me the spinal that helps numb me from the chest down and then get me set up. The room is sterile, meant for operating only, it’s cold and I don’t just mean the temperature. I’m not sure if that’s just because of the spinal or not.
Monty talks to me about anything that comes to his mind while they begin the procedure. Trying to keep my mind from spiraling as I lay open on the table. Guts somewhere outside my body as they get to my uterus.
A scream breaks through my inner turmoil. Lying on the table, with no feeling below my chest and a medical sheet draped over me. I have no idea what’s going on. The doctors are talking to me, but I’m not paying attention to them. I keep my eyes on my husband, who has been sitting there whispering encouraging words.
A breath releases from me as I close my eyes and take in the scream. That magnificent scream that causes my whole body to relax in relief.
That.
That’s why we do it. For the beautiful thing that is a child.
“Here he is mama!” the OB-GYN says loudly, “a healthy baby boy.”
“The mother has requested immediate contact after the baby is born, doctor,” Staci reminds the surgical team.
Monty is at my side, peeking over the drapes while holding my hand, I watch as a tear slides down his cheek. When his eyes connect with mine,I’m reminded of the love that we share, the life that we built, my best friend and partner in crime. A joyous smile curves his lips, and makes his whole face light up. Back at my side in an instant, his hands push back my cap covered hair as he leans down to place his lips against my forehead. Eyes closing, I take in the feeling of his warm lips on my skin.
“You did amazing babe, I’m so proud of you.” My eyes open at his words and I’m met with the eyes that caught my attention at the age of sixteen. The deep umber color swirls with flecks of gold, always took my breath away when I was the sole focus.
Movement from behind Monty catches my attention, causing his head to turn too. The nurse arrives at my side, placing our baby down on my chest. Our son begins to root on my chest the moment his cheek touches my collar bone.
