She nodded hesitantly and sat across from me while I initially bawled my eyes out. I felt so stressed I could have vomited on her lovely purple couch but it passed.
I explained to her about Oliver’s lie regarding his kissy bastard colleague, about how I’d tried to fuck the frustration out, about how one minute I’d be OK and the next wallowing in self-pity and lastly, about how he’d proposed for all the wrong reasons.
‘What makes you think his reasons for proposing were wrong?’ she asked, handing me yet another tissue.
‘I feel like he was just trying to distract from what happened. I honestly think if he’d never made the mistake in the first place, he wouldn’t feel so guilty he’d have to propose!’
‘Ah, so you think he did it out of guilt or fear, instead of love?’
‘Yes. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know. I just know it was never something we planned. We’d never even spoken about it properly.’
She wrote something in her book before closing it over. ‘It’s interesting how you’ve reacted to this,’ she began. ‘For two people who’ve been together as long as you have – and I don’t just mean physically – you seem to have lost all confidence in him surprisingly quickly. You assume the worst. I wonder if perhaps that’s because you feel that’s what you deserve.’
‘I deserve? I don’t understand.’
‘You’ve tried to talk through this but you haven’t really listened – if you had, you’d be more accepting of his mistakes. You’ve tried to work through jealousy by proving that you’re more sexually capable and dominant than this woman you imagine is your competition.’
‘Actually the sex thing was Lucy’s idea—’
‘And you think that his proposal is to appease you, because why on earth would someone want to marry you otherwise?’
Fucking hell, the truth stung like a bitch. She was absolutely right.
‘What I’d suggest is that you decide whether you’re actually able to hear and believe what Oliver tells you. Come from a place of love for this man rather than suspicion. If this isn’t something you’re capable of, you have to let him know. It’ll be better in the long term for both of you.’
I left Pam’s office with a lot to think about. I also decided never to take Lucy’s advice when I’m vulnerable and she’s more interested in eating her lunch.
Thursday September 28th
I told both Lucy and Hazel about Oliver’s proposal. There’s no way I could keep it from them. They’re like sniffer dogs when I have a secret; they can smell it a mile off.
‘Shame! We could have had a double wedding,’ Lucy lamented, only half-kidding. ‘But I understand why you said no. I think Oliver still has a lot of making up to do. And what if he does it again – though hopefully he won’t – but then you’re married and you have to explain to Molly why Auntie Lucy kicked her dad’s penis off? No. It was the right move.’
Hazel, on the other hand, saw things a little differently.
‘OH. EM. GEE. You should have snatched that ring out of the box! Honestly, Phoebe, he’s going to fuck up constantly between now and death, it’s no reason not to marry him. Just hope that he doesn’t take the rejection too personally. Don’t take his name, though – Phoebe Webb – too many Bs.’
Fuck you very much, ladies. That was zero help.
Friday September 29th
Tonight was tough. After Molly went to bed, Oliver and I agreed to sit down and talk. I could see the visible strain on his face as he mentally prepared himself for another possible argument neither of us wanted.
‘I’m finding it very hard to trust you,’ I admitted. ‘You say that it was just a kiss but I know how these things go . . . and I know you. In order for me to truly deal with everything, I have to know everything.’
He shifted uncomfortably on the couch. ‘I didn’t sleep with her. That’s the absolute God’s honest truth.’
‘OK.’
‘But you’re right . . . there was touching.’
I fucking knew it. I took a deep breath. ‘Where?’
‘Boobs mainly. Also her arse.’
‘Did she touch you?’
He cleared his throat. ‘I don’t understand how this—’
