‘Jesus, I thought I had the wrong flat there,’ he says, grinning. ‘What a difference.’
‘Teamwork,’ I tell him, picking up my bag. ‘We’re off now, Dad. I’ll see you soon.’
I close the door behind me and start to cry.
Ed
I have no idea why Kate’s crying as we leave her dad’s place, and she won’t stop sobbing for long enough to tell me. By the time we get into the car, she’s calmed down a little, but her sobs still come like little hiccups.
‘This might cheer you up,’ I say, showing her my phone. She looks at the map open on my screen and starts to cry again.
‘What? I thought this was what you wanted? I thought you’d be happy?’
‘I’m not a good person, Ed,’ she says, wailing. ‘I’m selfish and. . . and I’m stubborn and I’m jealous—’
‘God, take a breath, Kate.’ I hug her, letting her berate herself until she calms down. ‘Feel better after all that?’ I ask, but she shakes her head, scrambling around for a tissue.
‘I just left him there to rot,’ she says, wiping her nose on a napkin she’s found in the glovebox. ‘Every year we go there, and I just look around and think, how can anyone live like this, but he’s brought it on himself. Who does that?’
‘You’re being too hard on yourself,’ I tell her. ‘And he wasn’t in any mindset to accept help from anyone.’
‘But I could have tried,’ she says softly. ‘Fuck, I used to be a good person, Ed. I have no idea when I turned into this work-obsessed, joyless bitch who loses her shit over a fuckingphone map!’
‘Look,’ I say, trying to calm her before she starts crying again. ‘First of all, youarea good person. No, you’re an amazing person– you’ve just lost your way. You’ll get it back.’
‘I don’t want to end up alone like my dad,’ she says quietly. ‘He’s spent his life wanting more, striving for fuck knows what, and look where it’s got him.’
‘You’re nothing like your dad, Kate,’ I reply. ‘That I’m sure of.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ed. For everything,’ she tells me. ‘You’re my best friend and I’m so grateful I met you.’
‘Me too,’ I say, passing her another napkin, ‘though you might want to deal with that sob snot as I’m finding it really hard not to make fun of you.’
She sniffs and flips down the passenger-side mirror. ‘I don’t understand how you do it,’ she says, cleaning herself up. ‘You’re still the same person I met in the lunch hall that day. Funny, kind, unshakeable.’
‘Handsome,’ I interject. ‘You forgot handsome.’
‘I’m being serious. You know who you are, and you always have. I wasn’t bored with that side of you, I was resentful.’ She flips the mirror back up.
‘You were right when you said I was insecure,’ she admits. ‘It’s a trait I don’t like and as I’m discovering, I have many undesirable traits I’d rather not hold on to. Even you just mentioning Carly makes me worried that I’m not good enough.’
‘Honestly, we’re just—’
‘Friends, I know. Ed. . . I don’t want to break up.’
‘I don’t either,’ I reply. ‘But I think we have to. For a while, anyway.’
She rubs her forehead and exhales.
‘Kate, I’m glad you’re upset.’
She looks at me like I’ve just slapped her. ‘What?’
I nod. ‘I am. I’m happy you’re having an existential crisis or aself-reflective breakdown or whatever the hell this is because it means you remember who you are.’
She looks a little less shocked but still wary.
‘You were absolutely right when you said that people were supposed to change, but you cannot change what’s in your soul and fucking hell, Kate, you have the most beautiful soul. I love you for that.’
