She opened the lid and felt her throat tighten. Her heart battered her chest slowly. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t have more time, my love… I’m sorry that we didn’t have more time. I’m sorry this is where your story ends. Just know that I love you with every breath in my body and I know, in my soul, that somewhere, you’re loving me even without the breath in yours.’
Her hand gripped the urn as Erin began scattering the ashes into the sea, never saying the word goodbye. Goodbye was too final.
When Erin finally joined the girls again, she noticed that someone had drawn a circle around them in the sand. Of course, it was Becky; no one else had the overwhelming urge to make sand shapes.
‘Becky, I’m not sure this is the right time for this,’ she said, her face still wet from her tears. ‘Maybe we can just leave it for now?’
‘I think this is exactly the right time,’ Becky replied, firmly. ‘I think we all need to come together. If the water wasn’t so cold, I’d suggest some sort of cleansing ritual. Trust me on this.’
Erin knew it was pointless to protest further. She stood in between Alex and Tara.
‘Do you remember what you all wrote last time we were here?’ Becky asked as they joined hands.
‘Were we meant to?’ Tara asked. ‘Was there homework I wasn’t aware of?’
‘No,’ Becky replied as she felt Beth struggle to grasp her fingers. ‘Beth, is your hand alright?’
Beth raised her hand which now resembled a weird claw. Her last three fingers trying to grip on to nothing while her first two pointed upwards in a powerful spasm.
‘Fucking hell,’ Tara exclaimed. ‘What have you done?’
‘It’s alright.’ Beth sighed. ‘This happens a lot – my leg, my hand, sometimes my feet. Usually my meds control this but not today apparently… MS can be so unpredictable.’
They all stared at her. Then to her hand. Then back to her.
‘I was going to tell you all… eventually. I just wanted a weekend without anyone feeling sorry for me… Christ, can we stop staring at the claw now, it’ll go back to normal in a bit.’
‘Multiple sclerosis?’ Tara asked. ‘That’s what you have?’
Beth nodded. ‘About ten years now but diagnosed two years ago. Remember all those stumbles I used to have? Turns out it wasn’t just the booze.’
‘MS? What is that?’ Becky asked.
‘It’s basically your body attacking your brain and nerves. It eats away at the coating on the nerves so that the signals don’t go through. I can tell my leg to lift up and walk until the cows come home, but the nerve is so damaged now, it simply cannot do it.’
‘They can treat it, right? Is it bad?’
‘It’s bad, but it could be worse.’ Beth replied. ‘I’m on meds. Look, can we all just get on with Becky’s little ritual before I start needing the loo!’
‘But you’re OK?’ Tara asked. ‘I’m so sorry that—’
‘Yes. Honestly, I’m fine! I don’t want sympathy, I just wanted you all to know! It felt like time.’
Becky took Beth’s arm in hers, seemingly reluctant to carry on.
‘No feeling sorry for me, remember? Let’s just do this.’
Becky nodded, determined not to wobble.
‘No affirmations this time,’ she said. ‘I just want us to close our eyes and speak to how we’re feeling.’
Nobody said anything at first, not even Tara who was usually this first to break a silence with some smart-arse remark. But as each one closed their eyes; it didn’t take long for them to feel the weight of the past ten years press down on them.
‘Success, homes and Andrew Scott.’
Becky looked at Erin who still had her eyes closed.
‘That’s what I affirmed last time. An ego boost, material wealth and a handsome face. That was the bullshit I wanted at twenty-two because what the hell did I know about life at twenty-two? Becky had the right idea, asking for happiness, health and love. That’s all that matters, not my work or my house in Marbella.’
