Page 90 of Ballrooms & Blackmail

Not a lie. Just wrong.

Because of course she’s not okay.

She laughs humorously. “Seriously?”

“I, fuck, I’m sorry. I just…”

A sigh. “You mean it.”

“Yeah,” I mutter.

Her voice softens slightly. “Yeah, I know.” A sigh. “But that’s not why you’re calling.”

She’s right.

Of course she’s right.

The problem is I don’t know how to answer, how to tell her all that I have to tell her, how to keep her safe without her hating me. How to tell her?—

I miss you.

I can’t sleep.

The apartment feels wrong without you.

And most fucking important of all…

I love you.

Instead, I blurt, “Violet misses you.”

She’s quiet for a long, painful moment. “Right.”

My insides twist. “River?—”

“Please just tell me the truth, Thorn.”

I close my eyes, tilt my head up at the ceiling, but I can’t make myself form the words.

She sighs, her tone resigned. “Let me guess, you can’t?”

More silence, long and heavy and painful.

“No,” I rasp, “I can’t.”

River exhales softly. “I know.” Noise echoes in the background of her call and I remember that she’s at the bachelorette party. “Look, I should go.”

“River.”

“Yeah?” Her voice is gentle. Dangerously gentle. Like she’s trying not to hurt me.

And that has the truth sliding out.

“I don’t know how to do this.”

Silence.

Then she murmurs, “I know.”