I shrug.“We get along.I mean, we always did, but it’s different now.Living with someone is different.You learn things about one another.”I pick at the bagel.“He makes coffee before I’m even up.He knows I don’t eat breakfast, but he always puts something on the counter anyway.Just in case.”I glance up.“He makes me laugh and…” I can’t even put it all into words.
Honor’s expression doesn’t change.“And the baby?”
“What about him?”
“How is he doing?”
“He’s so happy.”I feel the smile before I can stop it, which does not go unnoticed by Honor since a small smile forms on her lips.“He’s at this stage right now where everything is funny to him.Like he thinks the wordnois hilarious.You say no, and he just laughs.Easton thinks it’s adorable, and I keep telling him that’s going to be a problem in about six months when he’s getting into everything and the word no needs to mean something.”I shake my head.“He threw half his lunch at me yesterday and then looked so pleased with himself.”
“He sounds like a handful?”
She poses it as a question, and that familiar wound gets pressed on that she, too, believes I’m going to have enough and leave.
“He kind of is.”I pause.“He kind of isn’t, though.He sleeps well and he’s not a crier, not really.He just—” I look at the table.“He’s very easy to love.”
Honor turns her coffee mug in a slow circle on the table.“Who does he see you as?”
The question catches me off guard.“He—” I stop.Look at her.“Why?”
“In the videos people post, he’s always reaching for you or sleeping on you.With no mom in the picture, I just wondered.”
“I’m his nanny.”
Honor nods.
“Does it freak you out?How dependent he is on you?”she asks.She must notice something cross my face, because she’s quick to continue, “I don’t mean to poke at you, it’s just things from this end”—she lifts her phone—“say either things have shifted or someone is getting hurt at the end of this, and I just want to make sure it’s not you.”
“No, it doesn’t freak me out.”And the truth of that still surprises me every time I’m alone with my thoughts.
She studies me for a second, and I wait for more interrogation.Here I thought I was coming here to comfort her, but she’s being the best friend right now.
“I just want to check in because I know first hand what it’s like when someone depends solely on you.And it can be draining.”
“That’s the thing.It isn’t.”
“In all the pictures,” she says, “you look different.”
“Different how?”I ask, finally popping a piece of bagel into my mouth.
“Just—” She tilts her head.“Like… happy being settled?”
“You say that word like you expect me to start itching.”
She doesn’t let me deflect with humor but continues to wait on me to say more.“We agreed to see where things go.We’re… dating?”
“Is that a question?”Her first smile of the day barely touches her lips.
“No.It’s just new, and I don’t know.You know me.”
“I wondered if it was real or you two were just good actors.Glad I still know you like a book.”
I look at my coffee for a long moment.
“Had.”Her voice is quiet.“I’m your person.You can always tell me what you’re feeling.”
I listen to the sounds of the café.The hushed conversations, the espresso machine running, the dings of phones, trying to figure out how to word exactly what I’m feeling.
“I think I’m falling for him,” I say.Quiet, like not saying it loud changes anything.“I didn’t plan to, and I know that probably sounds insane given the whole situation, but I—” I shake my head.“I’m falling for both of them.”
