“Right?” Brett exclaims. “Thank you, Jessi! I tell her that all the time. She looks so sweet and innocent ...”
Willow makes him change course with just a glance.
“Which—er—she is,” Brett finishes, making Luke and me laugh.
All in all, it’s a pretty perfect day. We find the river, and Brett is the only one brave enough to wade into it. We keep hiking through the trees and get lost on the way back to our tents, but none of us is really worried. Luke and I act light and happy and in love. I even start to get used to Willow’s camera. I decide the best approach is to act silly on film. That feels safer, more likable than broken and tired and sad.
So every time Willow’s third eye pans to me, I ham it up. I do a little jig with Brett when we realize we’re headed in the right direction back to the tents. When Willow tells me to do something interesting, I play peekaboo with the camera behind some trees, then spin around under the canopy of leaves with my arms outstretched and my face pointing skyward.
And soon I actually start tofeellike I’m the girl I’m pretending to be. I start to feel happy and free, like a whole other Jessi. The entire time, Luke watches me with this small amused smile on his face, and it occurs to me that we never really had a chance to hang out with friends when we were together, because he was away at college. Maybe, with other people around, people other than his family, I’m different from what he thought I was. Or maybe, just for a minute, he sees the Jessi I’m trying to be. Someone other than the girl who destroyed his family, who ruined his life, who broke his heart.
15
NOW
So it turnsout the alternate spelling of my name is h-y-p-o-c-r-i-t-e. I’m constantly telling Ernie to go outside and breathe in the fresh air, and I rarely do it myself.
I’d forgotten what it felt like to genuinely smile. To not spend each moment at attention, waiting for the universe to inflict every big blow I deserve. Which isn’t to say that I’ve stopped deserving it. But for the first time in nearly a year, my life isn’t a series of Befores and Afters, of Thens and Nows. It’s just now. This moment with Willow and Brett and Luke. Sure, a lot of it is a façade.
Willow and Brett don’t know the truth about me. And Luke, who does, secretly hates me for it.
Brett and I have just gotten a fire going while Willow and Luke went back to the car to get our food for the night.
“Nice fire,” Luke tells us. “Should keep those grizzlies away.”
“Are there seriously grizzlies?” Willow asks with a modicum of panic in her voice. For the first time today, her camera is not in sight.
I swat Luke’s arm. “He thinks he’s being funny.”
“Well, if there’re coyotes,” he says, “there could be grizzlies. There could pretty much be anything out here. Loch Ness monsters. Dinosaurs. Mammoths.”
Willow shoots Brett a worried look, saying, “I literally told you to pick the safest place for this trip.”
“Willow, he’s joking,” I say, putting an arm around her shoulder.
Luke looks contrite. “Sorry. Jessi’s right. I’m an idiot.”
Willow whacks Luke’s shoulder and sits down in front of the fire.
We eat a sautéed dinner that Willow found out how to make on the internet. She’s brought precooked sausage, peppers, and onions dipped in olive oil and wrapped in foil. We heat it in the foil over the fire and then eat.
Dessert is roasted marshmallows.
“I feel like we should take turns around the fire and tell secrets,” Willow says.
Brett groans. “Really?”
“I’ll start,” Willow says. “I still really miss Texas, but I’m kind of starting to like it here. Notherehere,” she amends. “But like, Winchester here. You know what I mean. Too bad we’re all leaving in a few weeks. Most of us, anyway.”
Luke follows her pointed gaze to me, but he doesn’t say anything.
When no one jumps in to share any secrets, Willow continues, “Also I like who I am now way more than I used to.”
“You were always gorgeous, babe,” Brett says. “I’ve seen photos from when you were little.”
“Oh, well Ihavealways been decent-looking,” Willow admits.
“Gorgeous,” Brett and I say at the same time.
