But what about all the special moments, their ability to let you in and be vulnerable with you? That has to count for something…
I know they love me; that they’d do anything my heart desires. But I also know that there is no way in hell I can ever live with this incessant, toxic train of thought, hammering away at my sanity, reinforcing that I don’t deserve everything they’ve given me.
I can’t open my eyes each and every morning to their handsome faces and loving devotion, knowing that at some point, they’ll realize the mistake they’ve made in choosing me and regret everything we’ve ever had.
I was always someone’s shame. Someone’s lapse in judgment. A disappointment.
But they found you—fell for you…
Loving them means sacrificing myself so that they can have what they truly deserve in this life. I’m not enough and never will be. Not just for them, but for anyone.
Who was I fucking kidding anymore?
I’ll never be worthy of anyone’s affections, let alone theirs…
I’ve walked this path my entire fucking life, and I’m finally reaching the end of my rope—the noose around my neck weighing me down, just waiting for me to take that final step and kick the chair.
They promised they would fix the mess I’d created, but who the fuck was going to fix me?
Unable to find the hidden zipper in my suitcase, my nails ripped through the seam as if it were the stitching on my recently repaired heart.
The one Lucas had mended back together.
The one Levi brought back to life with his breath.
Calm down, Tess… Remember everything they’ve said… Their words of affirmation…
As I peeled away the thin fabric, exposing years of damage in the process, there, staring at me like the compelling monster it was, was the bag of pills I’d stashed away right before I ran away.
Back home, I had a reputable dealer. Knowing my intention of disappearing, I stocked up over the course of a few months, not wanting to take the risk of having to find my preferred method of therapy elsewhere. A few solid handfuls were all I had left. More than sufficient to get me by. Enough to save me from… what?Myself?
I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
Too many identities and personas all rolled into one.
The innocent daughter, the model actress, the sweetheart, the good girl, the flawless fucking idol.
Even though I’d planned for the worst, I never actually believed that it would come to this. That I would fall in love with not one, but two exceptional men who saw me as the sunandthe moon—to cherish and to adore.
What are you doing, Tess?… What the fuck are you doing?
Theodore left because upholding my honor was exhausting—and how the fuck could you love someone who only caused you problems that require a solution? Someone you have to spend your entire life cleaning up after.
I won’t stand by and let Lucas and Levi spend our whole future—their future, wondering when the next explosive newscast will rear its ugly head. Not when I could just prevent it from escalating any further than this right here, right now.
I was a cinder block chained to their ankles, and if I stuck around long enough, I’d do nothing more than drown them right along with me.
You can’t take this choice back…
With my whole nervous system on fire, I gripped the bag tightly to my chest before twisting on my toes and sprinting toward the bathroom. Carelessly crossing the threshold, I tripped on the mat, falling face-first to the floor, blinded by my tear-soaked eyes. I heard the bag burst on impact with the tile, pills scattering around me, just like the pieces of my useless life.
They love you…
This solution was supposed to be easy.
Two seconds. Pop and swallow.
I sobbed into the plush rug, screaming my frustrations into a void that wasn’t capable of answering—or offering its condolences.
