“Why don’t you do love?”
I give him an awkward half-laugh, and glance towards one of the filing cabinets lining his walls. “C’mon man, I just don’t—is that a broom?” I ask, taking note of a broken handle leaning up against the cabinet.
My eyes fall to the floor beside Nate’s desk where bucket upon bucket sits, full of cleaning products and rags. Glancing behind me, I realize there’s a few brooms and a couple mops stashed in the corner of his office. This is why the supply closet was empty. Everything is in here.
“You set me up.”
I turn back to him, and a triumphant grin is spreading across his face despite his best effort to school his features. With a non-committal shrug, he leans forward with his forearms on the desk.
“Don’t change the subject. Why don’t you do love? You just don’t isn’t a reason, it’s a cop-out.” Nate picks up his pen again, but it has nothing to do with going back to work on his report as he twirls it between his fingers. “C’mon man. You’re my best friend and I don’t know the answer to this. But I want to.”
I rub the back of my head, looking towards the broken broom handle. Nate and I don’t talk about this shit. He learned a long time ago not to ask, but a lot has changed since the last time he did. A lot has changed in the past month. I’ve changed. I’m not the same guy I was before Vegas, and thinking back to who he was, I’m not sure I’d want to go back.
“Jordan already tell you?” I ask, buying myself more time to answer the question.
Nate shakes his head. “Nah. It’s not her story to tell, and she knows that. But she made sure I knew that I’m a shit friend for not knowing.”
I chuckle. Sounds like Jordan. “It’s not your fault you don’t know, dude.”
“I know, but she’s got a point. Maybe I should have pushed a little more.”
Shaking my head, I release a sigh and sit back in the chair. “I don’t think it would have made any difference. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.”
I can’t say that I’m not ready to talk about it now, though. I’ve already talked about it. Not with Nate, but with Jordan. And I can honestly say that letting her in and showing her a small piece of the pain I’ve felt since my mom left has allowed me to breathe a little deeper. Ache a little less. I thought that it was just her and her presence, but now I wonder if it wasn’t more than that. If finally sharing that burden with someone else didn’t heal some part of me that I refused to look at for twenty-plus years.
Nate sits patiently in silence while I work it out in my head. The great debate of whether to share or not, but ultimately, I think I do want to share with him.
“You know how it’s just my dad and me?”
He nods.
“I’ve always left it to interpretation about what happened to my mom.”
It’s funny, no one has ever really asked, and if they do I usually leave it at a shrug and let it hang. I’m sure some of my friends figure she’s dead. And for all I know, she is.
“She left my dad and me when I was seven. One day she didn’tpick me up from school, and my life as I knew it was completely different.”
I blow out a breath, and watch as my leg bounces up and down in my uncomfortable state. It was nearly impossible to tell Jordan this story, but Nate seems easier after doing it once. Still, I don’t like rehashing it. I don’t like thinking about it. It makes me feel unworthy and small, and I’ve come a long way from those feelings.
The feelings are always there, you’ve just learned how to run from them.
Ugh.
Maybe… maybe it’s time to stop running. Maybe it’s time to start facing. Maybe it’s time to start fighting.
Taking a deep breath, I recount the story for Nate, including the last night I saw my mom. I explain the state my dad has been in since the day she left, and how I promised myself I would never put myself in that situation. I would never let someone have my heart and put me in a position that it could be broken.
“Christ, man.” Nate heaves a sigh, tapping his pen on the desk. “You made that decision as a kid? Fuck, I always thought it had to be something that happened when you were in high school, or right before I met you.”
I shake my head. “Nah, dude. This goes back a lot further. I’ve always meant it when I said I don’t do relationships or dating. Until Jordan, anyway.”
“I’m gathering you two were doing more than just fucking around?” Nate asks, an eyebrow raising.
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you it didn’t start like that,” I tell him honestly. I give the back of my neck a rub as I think about it though. “Actually, I don’t know if it was ever just fucking around. Jor and I… I mean, we’ve been getting close since she and that douchebag broke up.”
Nate nods. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. But I thought it was just you supporting her through it. I didn’t realize there was more going on.”
“Neither did I. And then the first night in Vegas, she was upset because she’d just found out about his engagement. I figured keeping an eye on her was a good idea because the drinks were going down pretty quickly to begin with, and you didn’t need to be babysitting.” I give my face a scrub with one hand then lean forward and put my elbows on my knees.
