I lift my hands up. “Hey…some people get off on that kind of thing.”
Simone sticks her finger in her mouth, pretending to throw up, and we both kneel over laughing.
“Do you wanna grab some stuff from your house? Pack a bag?”
“Yeah, and I’ll let Sarah and Mark know, too. They should be pretty chill about it. They’ve been telling me to get out more.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’m gonna call Tyler to tell him and get him to pick us up. I’m definitely not driving the three and a half hours there.”
“Bodyguard and chauffeur…I like it.”
Simone slaps my arm lightly, laughing. As she stands up and unlocks her phone, I feel mine buzz. I pull it out and see John’s name.
Is it bad that Ihaven’t even thought about him much since it happened yesterday? I’ve thought aboutwhathappened, but not like…him, or howhewas feeling, or howhewas doing. Is that normal? I’ve only ever been with one other person before him, and that’s what I thought love felt like. I didn’t feel anything with John other than a release…How fucked up is that of me? I reluctantly unlock my phone to read his text.
John: How are you feeling? Are you doing okay?
I hesitate before typing out a reply.
Lydia: I’m doing okay
John: I’m sorry if we went too far, if that was too much for you too soon. Are we okay? I could come by and pick you up? We could go somewhere maybe?
Guilt stirs in me. I can’t be a cold-hearted bitch to him. He’s too sweet.
Lydia: No, it was…what I needed
Lydia: And that sounds nice…but I’m actually at Simone’s. We’re going to take a last-minute trip down to the beach for the weekend to get away before graduation
John: Oh, okay…but we’re good, right?
I’m so stupid for dragging someone else into my shit…into my fucked up way of dealingwith things. Which tends to always be the wrong way. I really don’t want to hurt him. It’s too fresh. I’ll just ride it out for now, and let him down easy later. Maybe he won’t even care. He’s a guy, for crying out loud. Don’t most of them just want to stick it in someone and move on to the next anyway?
Lydia: Yeah, we’re good
John: I really did enjoy being with you. Maybe I should have waited and made it more special for you…but just know it was special for me
Okay…maybe Johnisn’tthat kind of guy? Feel like that’s going to make this a lot harder.
Lydia: It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. I wanted it too. It was special
John: I’ll see you when you get back, then?
Lydia: Yeah, definitely
I let my phone fall into my lap and lean my head against the headboard, closing my eyes.
“You okay?” Simone asks softly.
“Yeah,” I whisper, trying to believe it. “I’m okay.”
She squeezes my hand, and I look over at her as she gives me a small smile. “Let’s just focus on having some fun this weekend.”
I nod in silent agreement.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. At this point, I’m just constantly looking for a way to numb it all, because if I don’t stay numb…if I focus on everything that has gone wrong in the last seventeen years, if I really begin to spiral about what’s wrong withme…I might actually go insane. I might go too far, and finally snap mentally. I’m sure no one would be surprised if I did.
31
