Simone twists around to face me from the passenger seat. Her eyes soften immediately. “You didn’t ruin anything. We just care about you being okay. Did…he hurt you?”
“No,” I whisper, shameful tears stinging the corners of my eyes. “It was fine… until he wanted to do more and go upstairs…and I don’t know…I got scared. I’m…I’m sorry.”
“We shouldn’t have left you,” guilt evident in her voice. “We just wanted to step outside for a second away from everyone and—”
“No,” I interrupt, desperate not to be the burden. “I was the one being stupid, kissing a stranger at a house party out of town with a bunch of people we don’t even know…I don’t know what I was thinking.”
The car gets quiet again, only the hum of the road beneath us, the faint music filling the space.
Tyler glances at me through the rear-view mirror. “Do you want to grab some food?”
I shake my head, exhausted. “I just want to go back to the room. I need to sleep.”
“You sure?” Simone asks.
“Yeah. You two should still go. Just drop me off.”
They share a look before Tyler nods. “Okay. But text us if you need anything. We’ll be close by. Just going to find whatever is still open within walking distance.”
“Promise,” I whisper.
Inside the hotel room, the silence feels deafening. My phone buzzes in my hand—John’s texts piling up over the last few days, checking on me, asking how I’m doing, how I feel. Messages I’ve left all unanswered, trying to forget the mess I made back home with my entire life. I toss my phone onto the bed and let out a long breath, my heartbeat still a bit uneven and the alcohol slowly leaving my system, letting reality seep back in and pushing the numbness away. I click the TV on, desperate for noise to drown out the whispers in my head, but the images blur, unfocused.
The room feels cold and empty. All I’m stuck with are my thoughts. The anxiety takes over like always, too familiar and so unbearable. I just lay there awake, staring at the ceiling, feeling the dread creeping in. Anytime it’s too quiet around, Eli loves to fill the space. He’ll never give me any peace. Dead or alive.
I can’t even grieve the awful things he did without feeling this fucked up longing and sadness towards him at the same time. Missing someone who hurt you is torture. Hating someone who died is worse. Knowing he’s gone forever feels like freedom, yet that thought brings on guilt so strong that it could easily break someone who wasn’t already completely broken.
I don’t know how much time passes, but I still can’t sleep. The noise of the TV is the only company to my spiraling thoughts. I sigh in frustration as I lean over to my backpack and feel around for the pill bottle. I pop open the Xanax and pour one into my hand before swallowing it dry.
Slowly, it pulls me down. I feel weightless as it starts to quiet the thoughts, easing the ache just enough that my eyes finally close. But even sleep brings no real peace, only temporary silence.
* * *
I’m trapped in the same room.
It’s always the same room…Eli’s room. Pale gray walls, the football posters, the faint scent of cologne, and teenage-boy smell. The familiar feel of his sheets beneath me.
Something feels off, though. A thickness in the air begging me to get far away. My pulse pounds in my ears, making the dread pool in my stomach. I hear footsteps coming toward the closed door, and I curl into myself tighter, pulling my knees into my chest, trying to breathe quietly as if that’ll keep me safe.
The door creaks open, and Eli stands there. My breath catches looking at him. Instant longing and pain rush over me for the boy I lost, but then I look closer. His eyes look different. They look dark, and empty, and full of vengeance.
“Why do you always do this to me, Lydia?”
I flinch involuntarily, snapping back to the realization of danger. “What?” I whisper, trembling,barely audible even to myself.
He steps closer, getting in my face and narrowing his eyes at me. “Don’t play stupid, Lydia. You think I wouldn’t find out you’ve been sleeping with other guys behind my back?”
I shake my head, confused and terrified. “No, Eli. I haven’t—”
“You’re lying,” he cuts me off. He’s suddenly so close, towering over me. His presence is suffocating. “I know what you are, Lydia. Everyone knows what you are.”
I look up at him. “I swear I didn’t—”
His face changes the second I blink, shifting into someone else entirely—the boy from the party tonight. His hands tighten around my wrists, pulling me forward, making my heart jump painfully as every instinct tells me to get out of here. “No,” I choke out, thrashing, trying to get free. “Stop! I don’t want this!”
His grip only tightens, and when I blink again, Eli’s face is back, glaring at me with contempt. “You never mean ‘no,’ Lydia,” he sneers. “You just say it to tease me, to make me work harder. You say it because you like being forced. Don’t pretend. You never stopped me before; now won’t be any different.”
“No, Eli, please,” I beg, tears streaming down my face. I try to shove him away, but he doesn’t budge, trapping me and taking away any control I have. “Please stop.”
