I set the phone down and lay there in the dark, listening to one of my flatmates shifting in the next room, coughing in his sleep. Every sound reminded me I wasn’t alone, that anyone could overhear me if I slipped. That’s why I hadn’t called her. That’s why I held my tongue.
But I still didn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, phone on the pillow beside me like it might suddenly light up with proof. Deep down I knew it was stupid. Who the hell else would it have been? Of course it was her.
But I clung to the doubt, because doubt was safer than admitting the truth. Safer than risking the words stuck in my throat. If you had asked me that night, I’d have sworn I honestly thought it wasn’t her — that someone else had grabbed her phone, trying to trick me into saying something humiliating.
The truth? I think I just needed the excuse.
Chapter 10
Liz, February 26
Morning begins with an obnoxious noise from my phone before the sun has even risen into my hemisphere. I slap my hand on the offender and click open the text message, squinting because my contacts are still on the bathroom counter where they belong.
Ben: Good morning, beautiful.
Liz: You could’ve waited until a proper hour. Sun’s not even up here.
Ben: Don’t you work today?
Liz: Good point. I hate when you’re right.
Ben: Haha. So good morning, get dressed, talk soon.
Liz: Sometimes you’re so bossy.
Ben: You’re welcome.
The phone goes quiet, and I fling it back down. I drag myself from bed with all the enthusiasm of someone heading for the stockades. A shower feels like the only way to wake myself up.
As the warm water pours down my neck and tumbles over my back, I think about Ben. What does it matter if this is some kind of relationship? I like Ben. I like talking to Ben. I think about him constantly. Can it be a relationship if it’s one-sided? I guess that’s probably a no. I guess I need to talk to Ben.
Finish the shower. Think about Ben. Brush hair. Brush teeth. Think about Ben. Get dressed. Think about Ben. Put shoes on. Think about Ben. Grab phone. Think about what to say to Ben. Get frustrated because you almost never have to think about what to say to Ben.
Liz: I’m back.
Ben: Good.
Liz: Miss me?
Did I really ask that? What am I, sixteen?
Ben: Hahaha. What’s the plan for today? Teaching anything cool?
Liz: Persuasive essays this week. You didn’t answer the question.
Ben: Persuasive, I’m good at that. HAHA. I’ll come in and speak. I know I didn’t answer the question, wasn’t planning on it.
Liz: HAHA, yeah, grab a flight and come visit. That would be fun. ANSWER THE QUESTION.
Ben: I always miss you, but I can’t afford a flight. Boo.
Liz: Double boo.
Ben: So why wouldn’t you send me a picture yesterday?
Really? We’re back on that? I quickly snap a selfie of what I hope is my “get over it” face and send it.
Liz: Here’s one.
