“What’s the point? He’d declare it’s his number one priority and then he’d work instead.”
Maybe this is the real reason I haven’t asked about Matt, what can I say to ease this obvious pain? “Are you really okay with that?” I ask quietly.
She sighs. “I will be.”
I wait, giving her a few minutes to think. “Do you ever wish it worked out differently?”
“How so?”
“Do you ever wish that Matt cared more?” Whether I mean about Liz or about Emma, I’m not sure.
“Ben, listen carefully. I do not need anything from Matt. I do not want anything from Matt. I am so happy with how this is working out.” She sounds as genuine as the smile I’m wearing. She deftly flips the inquisition table and turns me into the victim. “Why do you ask?”
“You seem like something is bothering you.”
“What happens when I get to England?” she blurts.
I’m taken aback by the sudden shift, but recover quickly. “We get an apartment. If you want a job, we find you one. The three of us live happily ever after.”
“Is that what you want or did I somehow pressure you into this?” Her eyes are fixed on where my face appears on her screen.
“Babe, where the hell is this coming from?” I ask, equal parts shocked and stung by her intensity. What reason have I ever given her to doubt me? I mean, recently.
“Just… this is a long way to move. I need you to be sure.” She practically whispers and drops her gaze to her hands.
“Liz, I love you.” The words escape before I can stop them. Her eyes return to the screen; she blinks in surprise at the confession. For a second I consider taking them back, but they’re true. They have always been true.
“That’s the first time you’ve said that,” she whispers.
“Not the first time I’ve thought it.”
“I love you, too,” she says.
The words lift me in a way I didn’t expect. I don’t think I’ll ever get this smile off my face.
There’s a small silence after that, the kind that hums with all the things you don’t need to speak. I let it sit with us for a moment, just breathing in the fact that we said it out loud, across five thousand miles.
Then she laughs softly, a little embarrassed, and the moment burrows in. “We’ll figure it out,” she promises.
“We will.”
We close the call minutes later, but the warmth lingers. I sit for a while, watching the blank screen, and plan in my head the tiny decisions that will make all of this possible. I am terrified and thrilled in equal measure. And for the first time in a long time, the future feels like something I can reach for.
Chapter 71
Liz, May 28
“What happens when I get to England?” After the words fall out of my mouth without permission, I feel like a singer who’s forgotten the lyrics on stage. Panic starts to creep in, but I don’t regret asking. I need Ben to tell me what he honestly expects of me.
He rambles off a list of innocent, important family things: an apartment, dinners, weekends, a crib in the corner. Simple stuff that somehow feels huge when it’s about my life. “Is that what you want or did I somehow pressure you into this?” I ask, thinking of Matt and all the signs I missed that he wasn’t really present.
“Babe, where the hell is this coming from?” Ben’s sudden anger catches me off guard, and, embarrassingly, it excites me. You only get angry if you care, right?
“Just…” I chicken out on explaining how my principal planted doubts in my head. Instead I say, timid, “…this is a long way to move. I need you to be sure.” I glance nervously down at my hands.
“Liz, I love you.” His voice, serious and steady, snaps my eyes back to the screen, searching for him.
“That’s the first time you’ve said that.” Stupid Liz. Why didn’t I say it back sooner? I try to name what I feel. Is it love? I picture a life without Ben and feel cold.
