He lay down and pointed to his chest and Cody smiled, then kissed him before laying his head on TJ’s chest. “I’d been trying to figure out how to tell them. You know it was you that made me think I was gay? You’d come over with Toni and Carter and the boys. I think Toni and Carter hadn’t been dating long. I can’t remember whether I was fourteen or fifteen then. But I saw you come in and you had longer hair, all bleached blond by the sun.You had this pale blue shirt on with dark jeans. You walked past and I couldn’t stop looking at you.”
He vaguely remembered the day. It was the day he met Carter’s brother and his family. TJ ran his fingers over Cody’s hair and said, “Go on.”
“You were beautiful to me. So strong, and you smiled at me. I remember Toni laughing at something you said, Carter grinning, and you two tapped your beers together. I always liked how strong the three of you are. I thought it was strange. You’re there with your ex-wife and her partner, but I saw how you all were together.”
“We’re lucky, but we worked at it as well. The kids come first, always.”
“And now you look after Macy, even though she isn’t yours.”
“But she’s my boys’ sister. I won’t treat her differently because she isn’t biologically mine. She calls me papa.”
Cody lifted his head and made an O with his mouth. “Wow.”
“I looked at Carter and he shrugged. Said we’d deal with it when she’s older. I guess it helps that I’ve known Carter for years and when me and Toni broke up, I knew they would be good together. I wanted her to be happy. I’d broken up our family, but she was amazing. I’m really happy they’re together.”
Cody kissed him, then settled back on TJ’s chest. “Cass made comments about you being gay and breaking up a family, but Carter shut him down. He stood up for you and Cass backed down.” Sighing, Cody muttered, “I wish Cass had been better with me.”
TJ ran his hands up and down Cody’s back, feeling the scars. “Carry on.”
“I hid upstairs after meeting you. Spied through the window watching you.” Cody sighed, his fingers rubbing TJ’s chest, and TJ lifted Cody’s hand, kissed it. “I told him in his office. It took me so long to work up the courage to tell him. I’d had a drinkbeforehand, a habit that grew. We both know how much I drank back then. I told him, whispered it really, and he glared at me. The next thing I know I’m on the floor and my face hurt. He stood over me, this look of fury on his face, his hand clenched into a fist, the knuckles white with how tight his hand was. I was so fucking scared.”
TJ could hear the tremor in Cody’s voice and wrapped him in his arms. “I’ve got you.”
“He called me names, then kicked me. Screamed at me to shut the fuck up about that and that if I was going to be like that, then I had to get the fuck out of his house. I cried and said I wouldn’t be, and I’d do anything to be straight. That seemed to calm him, and I crawled away, then ran to my bedroom. That was when I began drinking and doing drugs to numb everything and try to hide from what I was. It got too much, so I went to that bar because I wasn’t really gay, and you know the rest.”
“You should have come to me. I would have helped you.”
“I wanted you back then, TJ. No way could I speak to you about being gay.”
“Cody…” TJ hugged him tight. “I wish you had come to me. I know why you didn’t, but…” TJ closed his eyes and held Cody tight. “Did Cass ever speak to you about what happened in his office?”
“No, but he would ask what girl I was dating, or he’d start fights. He could see what I was doing to myself. You all could. You told me one day I could always talk to you, but I couldn’t, and then one day I blurted it out that I was gay. You weren’t there when I did. I can’t really remember. I was off my head on something, and I said it in front of everyone.”
“Carter called me after it happened. Asked what he could do to help. Cass got worse, didn’t he? I could see how dismissive he was of you, how he neglected you, but he’d said he’d adapted to it, and everything would be fine. Carter tried to talk to him, but itgot nowhere. I warned them you were spiraling, and you needed therapy, but I got told to back off. I wasn’t family.”
“When I stayed with you… That was the first time I felt safe, but I couldn’t stop doing what I’d been doing.”
“You kissed me.” Stumbling drunk, Cody had kissed him, and he gently moved him away. “Was that why you ran? Because I said no?”
“Maybe a little, but it was everything else too. Your rejection… I couldn’t handle it. I look back and know you did the right thing, but back then it hurt because no one wanted me. Even you.”
“Fuck Cody, I’m so fucking sorry.” TJ’s eyes filled, his throat scratchy. God, why hadn’t he done more when Cody had been living with him?
“No, don’t be. I was a mess. I needed to leave.” Cody’s fingers moved over TJ’s skin. “I needed to go through everything I did. I don’t think I would be alive otherwise.” Cody lifted his head and kissed TJ. “It has always been you for me. From the moment I saw you, I have been yours.” TJ shook his head and went to speak, but Cody put a finger over his lips. “No. You don’t get to tell me my feelings. I know how I feel now and how I felt then.”
Cody leaned down and kissed him, and TJ held him, letting their tongues play together. He spread his legs so Cody could settle between them, moaning softly when he felt Cody’s erection slide along his own. How could he be hard after the conversation they’d just had?
“I want you, TJ. I want to fuck you. Let me.” Cody kissed along TJ’s lips, his hips thrusting on TJ’s, and TJ shuddered, unable to stop his body reacting. How could he affect TJ so much? “Please.”
“Yes.” TJ pulled Cody back to his lips, and they both groaned. “Take me, Cody.”
“I get tested all the time. I want to… one day… would you let me?” Cody paused, waiting to see how TJ would react.
TJ paused. “You mean no condoms? I’ve never done that with a man.”
“Would you? One day?”
Having sex without protection? Huge commitment, but this was Cody, so… “Yes.”
