“The worst part is that toward the end, when I started to lash out”—I took a bracing swallow—“I think on some level I did it all subconsciously just so you would fire me.” I let out a long breath. My foot bounced, shaking the whole porch. Saying this out loud made me feel even more like a failure. This was exactly why we didn’t have hard conversations. This was why it was easier to sweep things under the rug...Until they reached a boiling point, and I exploded on stage.
Okay, I saw Mari’s point.
Vander swallowed, his thick beard moving with the action. “I know,” he said.
I blinked at him. “What?”
“I knew you were miserable, man. And I hated seeing you like that.I’mso sorry.” He sucked in his lips and rubbed at his mouth. The action was so familiar to me. Even with the rock star look, he was still the kid I knew.
“It’s not your fault I couldn’t handle the pressure,” I said.
“But it is.” He rubbed his lips in thought before he spoke. “I have shit to get off my chest too. The whole reason we even started the band was because of me. I was the reason we went on tour and signed to the big label. It wasmydream, my desperate need to prove something to this town and to the people here. You only ever supported me and my dreams. You made them your own. But I think I knew, even as a dumbass kid, that it wasn’t what you wanted.”
“I—” I tried to swallow, but my throat was too tight. My heart raced with relief but also more fear. I struggled to keep up with this revelation that we’d both been beating ourselves up. “I was just as desperate to leave.”
He nodded. “True, but more than that, you wanted to support me. You always went along with any wild idea I had. I got you in trouble all the time.”
“You protected me from guys who wanted to hurt me,” I defended.
He nodded, but it morphed into a headshake. “But still. I just pushed and pushed you. When our success started coming so fast, I said yes to everything. I saw that it was taking its toll on you, but I couldn’t stop.”
I sat still and absorbed.
“You never liked the limelight. I was always speaking for you and telling us both what we wanted, andman, I had something to prove. But you know, if you aren’t happy, all the money and fame won’t suddenly make that better. That’s a tough realization to have at this point.” He scoffed.
“I had no idea,” I said.
“You wouldn’t because...” He gnawed at his thumb before tucking it away. “I knew you would stay for me. No matter how bad it was, I knew you would never quit.” His eyes closed and his nostrils flared. “Because you were just that loyal. And I was so stupid and selfish. I should have just said something, but I thought maybe if it seemed like you didn’t have a choice in leaving, it would be easier for you somehow. If you were angry...then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad. That you weren’t letting me down.”
I leaned forward, hand over my mouth. This was insane. I thought I had cursed myself to a lifetime of loneliness. That I was somehow a bad friend or person.
But so did he. He’d been beating himself up and tormenting himself just as much as I had. Maybe even missing me as much as I had missed him.
“I’ve wanted to apologize for everything for so long.” My voice cracked.
“You have never let me down,” he said, holding my gaze with ferocity. “Not once in our whole lives. Just so we’re clear.”
Heat burned the back of my eyes as I nodded at him. “Okay.” I broke his gaze to clear my throat. “We probably should have talked about this a long time ago.”
He laughed. “Probably. Being a guy doesn’t exactly come with an instruction manual on communication. Especially if you were never taught how,” he said with a hint of bitterness.
“What are you talking about? Us men love being vulnerable,” I said flatly. I leaned back and groaned. “I wish I’d known all this before my dramatic exit,” I admitted.
He chuckled without humor. “When I saw you last night, and met Cath and Mari, I thought maybe, even though I went about it a total shit way, that you were finding something like...happiness here?”
“Yes.” I didn’t have to think about it. “I admit that I haven’t been doing good the past year, but recently, I’m starting to live again.”
Vander smiled in genuine relief. “Good. Mari seems great,” he said.
“She is.” I didn’t elaborate that things were tenuous and new. I didn’t want to try to label it and risk jinxing it, but no doubt her arrival on my lawn waswhen my life started to change for the better. This conversation with Vander was because of her. “I didn’t think we would ever be back here in Green Valley.” I laughed.
“And here we sit,” Vander said.
“Why did you come back?” I asked.
“I think when I saw you, it really made me understand the guilt I was holding on to. I’ve been...struggling lately. Creatively. Emotionally. Someone told me recently that I need to ‘sort my shit,’ and I think she may be right.”
“Women,” I said.
