“In a minute,” he said as he sat down on the rug in front of the sofa. “Pace yourself.”
I didn’t like that idea. But I had to agree it was the sensible one. I’d never been much of a drinker, and the last thing I wanted was to spend my night in the bathroom, doubled over by the toilet.
“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Alfie asked.
“I don’t know… it’s silly, I don’t want?—”
“Okay,” Milo said, cutting me off firmly. “Let me phrase this another way: tell us what happened.”
“You can’t force him,” Alfie said quietly.
“I can and I will. It’s because we love him and it’s for his own good. Because something fishy is going on here and I want to know what it is.”
I shook my head, almost smiling at how insistent he was. It was sweet that he was sure I’d done nothing wrong, but that was Milo. Loyal to a fault. “There’s nothing fishy going on. I fell for a man who doesn’t live here and doesn’t plan on staying here, and in the process, I got hurt. It’s my own fault.”
“I doubt it,” Milo muttered darkly as he sipped his drink. I’d never seen him so angry, and it didn’t make any sense. Why couldn’t he see what I’d done?
“It was only ever meant to be for the summer. We were just hooking up to help with my stress levels,” I continued, hoping I could make him believe me. “Owen’s contract was only until the end of September anyway, and he’s not the sort of man who likes to be tied down. He’s a wanderer, he told me that from the start. He has all the plans and places to go, and he was only back in Heather Bay while his dad recovered. I knew all that from the beginning and I still said yes. I don’t see how it can be anything but my fault.”
Did I wish things were different? Of course.
Did I wish Owen and I had talked about things before we reached the point of no return? Obviously.
But there was no way to change what had happened, and I was going to have to accept that.
“Did you talk to him about it?” Alfie asked. “About staying? I thought you were going to.”
“No. I mean, it sort of got brought up today about him staying. Or coming back next year. And he panicked, like he didn’t even want to think about the idea of being here. I followed him and he tried to apologise but it was clear how he felt.”
“Was it?” Alfie’s mouth had set in a line, and he didn’t seem impressed.
“How else was I meant to take that?”
“You have a tongue in your head and you’re clearly capable of speaking. You could have asked him why he walked out,” Alfie said. “This isn’t just your fault or your responsibility you know.”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything.” I looked at him sadly. “I know you told me to fight for this, but I don’t know if I can.”
“Why not? Don’t you want to be with him?” Milo asked and I wondered if Alfie had filled him in on our conversation. I assumed he had. “It’s okay if you don’t, but fuck, Darcy. You seemed to have skipped grief and gone for full-on nihilism.”
“I do want to be with him. But what’s the point in trying if he’s made it clear he doesn’t want me? All I did was joke about him staying and that was too much. I guess… I guess I can’t bring myself to fight for something so one-sided. And maybe this whole thing isn’t just my responsibility but that’s what it feels like. I deserve more. I deserve someone who really wants me. I shouldn’t have to beg.”
It was a painful realisation, one that hurt more than anything else had. But it was a necessary one.
I could fight for this thing with Owen, but I didn’t think relationships were supposed to be this hard. Yes, what we had together was amazing, and when I was with him it felt like I finally mattered. Like someone actually wanted me for who I was and the things I loved, who shared my passions and wanted me to dream big.
But I didn’t think I should have to beg him to stay with me.
To choose me.
I just didn’t have the energy to change his mind when he’d already decided staying in Heather Bay was an option he couldn’t bear. Whatever feelings he had for me clearly hadn’t altered his plans.
And I was too tired to demand more.
“No, you shouldn’t,” Milo said, patting my knee. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks,” I said and put my hand on his, squeezing gently.
“I’m sorry too,” Alfie said, his hand joining the pile. “I thought it would be different.”
