My pulse stutters violently. How could he bring all of this up now?
Holden threads his fingers through his hair, frustrated and clearly in pain. Words spill out too fast to stop. He paces the room like his mind is racing.
“You were the whole reason I loved any of it in the first place.” He laughs again, softer this time. Miserable. “I only wanted to do it because you were doing it. From the beginning.I loved swimming, but it was always about having fun with you. Cheering you on. Pushing you. Seeing your face at the finish. It was always you, Korie.”
His voice cracks, and he pauses, blinking hard as if fighting tears. “It’salwaysbeen you.” He says this with finality, as if understanding it for the first time.
Something inside me shifts so suddenly it’s almost painful.
All at once, memories start rearranging themselves.
Holden waiting for me before practice.
Holden shoving extra goggles into my hands because I always forgot mine.
Holden looking at me from his starting block before every race.
Holden grinning at me like I was the only one in the room.
Oh my god.
My chest tightens so hard it hurts.
Holden loved me then.
Maybe not the way he does now. Maybe not fully. But something had already started for him then that he didn’t know. Something neither of us understood yet.
And I left.
Not him. I didn’t leave swim because of him. I left because the pressure was suffocating me, for reasons no one knew at the time. I wouldn’t have survived if I stayed. It wasn’t about whether or not I wanted it. It was about whether or not I could be me in such a public capacity.
Leaving the team was the only way to save myself.
But I never meant to hurt him.
Pain rips through me as I remember watching Holden’s national swim meet on TV. He was forced to go by our college and our parents. But it had been clear long before his foot ever landed on that starting block that it was going to be a disaster.
All these years I thought he froze at the start because he was angry with me.
Now I see he froze because he was heartbroken.
The room suddenly feels too small. Too warm. It’s like I’m back there again, with all the cameras on me. I can’t breathe correctly. I try to suck in air, but it doesn’t come. Stumbling back, I lean forward, bracing my hands on my knees.
Holden snaps to attention. “Korie?”
I throw a hand up to stop him.
“I need—” My voice breaks. I press a hand hard against my sternum like it’ll help.Why does it feel like I’m splitting in two?
Holden rushes for me but I shake my head.
“I need… space.”
He recoils as if I hit him.
“I’m not ending this. I just—” Each word is impossible. Broken. I shake my head frantically. “Please, Holden. Just… go. Please.”
For a horrible second, he just stands there staring at me—completely gutted. Then he gives one sharp nod.
