“Maya called me yesterday,” he says, and I freeze.
“What?”
“Said she was worried about you.”
I drag a hand down my face. I really am a liability. Fuck. My stomach churns, and suddenly, I’m not hungry anymore.
“What happened?”
My lips purse as I lock eyes with JJ. There’s no point hiding it; talking about it might ease some of the pain that has been clogging my chest. That’s the one thing my therapist has drummed into my head since day one—talking is good even if it hurts.
“We had sex,” I state simply.
JJ quirks a brow at me. “You had sex.”
“Yep,” I say tightly. “And I told her it wouldn’t change anything, but of course it did. It dug up every single emotion I’ve ever felt for her. It was like we were back to being us before I fucked up, and god.” I grit my teeth together. “It killed me to hear her say that it can never happen again.”
I study JJ’s face as he tries to hide his wince. “What happened after?”
“Realised I need to distance myself for my sanity. Obviously I don’t want to miss out on anything regarding Skye, but if I don’t need to be there, I won’t. It’ll destroy me, and I don’t want to need alcohol to survive being around her. I need to work my way back up and take it slow.”
JJ hums softly. “That sucks. I’m sorry, Finn, but maybe this could be good. That you don’t need to rely on her for happiness.”
“She said there might be a future for us,” I mumble as I cup my jaw. “But I can’t just hang around waiting for her to decide or not. I get it, I fucked up, but it kills me. I want to be with her, I want to be a family, but it’s not my choice, and that is the most painful thing of all.”
“I think taking a step back is the right thing to do.” He leans forward. “For now. Some space. It might give Maya some time to think, too. You’ve been wrapped up in each other. This newbaby bubble, and you’re probably allowing yourselves to get too comfortable.”
I chew on the inside of my lip as I lean forward. “But I want comfortable, JJ. It’s all I want. I just want her, and I can’t—” My throat burns. “I can’t fucking have her.”
My eyes throb as the words crumble in my mouth pathetically.
“Hey, man,” JJ says supportively. “I know you want to be with your family because that’s what’s important to you, but you need to stay strong. Keep going to those meetings. Speak with your therapist. With me. Hell, even Ronan and Silas. Just keep going. You have come so far, and we all need you to stay healthy.”
I sniffle and lower my head, really hoping the tears in my eyes stay put.
“It’s fucking hard, JJ.” I clench my fists together. “At the smallest inconvenience, I want to drown myself in anything that will make me numb, to take away the pain. But I can’t.”
“Exactly,” JJ murmurs. “You can’t, so you keep going. Like we’ve spoken about. Alcohol isn’t the answer. What is it going to solve?”
Nothing.I shout in my head.
It never solves anything. It’s a temporary fix that will end up costing me my life. It’s not worth it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it. Fuck. I think about it too much.
“It’s almost been four months, you know?” I murmur without thinking.
JJ flashes me a supportive grin. “And do you know how incredible that is?”
I shrug. “Shouldn’t have got there in the first place.”
“Hey,” he says, snapping my attention towards him. “What matters is that you’re sticking to your word and you’re turningyour life around. Those girls need you. Ivy needs you. Your parents need you.Ineed you. Okay? And we are here for you.”
My eyes close as I inhale a soft breath. “Thanks, JJ.”
They are words I have desperately needed to hear, to drag myself out of the dark pit my mind has recently been diving into.
“Life doesn’t stop here,” he says sincerely. “There’s so much to see and to experience. Don’t give up.”
“Yeah,” I rasp. “I know.”
