Without another word, I leave the sports building and head towards my car. My veins are filled with fury, and I want nothing more than to bellow at the top of my lungs until the agony and pain inside me start to empty.
My fists clench and relax over and over. I can’t go home like this. Maya and Skye can’t see me like this. I could flip a car, I’m so riled up. My eyes close, and I place my head back against the seat before I start slamming it against the headrest until it bumps over and over again.
You’ll put your family in danger.
“No,” I heave.
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
I want to change.
You’ll ruin your daughter’s life.
The tightness in my chest has me clutching at the fabric until I can’t fucking breathe. Suddenly, the air inside my car becomes too much, and it’s like I’m breathing through a straw, and I can’t possibly get enough oxygen into my system.
I crack the car door open and crouch down to the ground. My body starts to shake from the shock of hyperventilation. Fuck. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.
“Finn?”
I recognise the voice, but everything is rushing around me a million miles a second.
“Finn,” I hear again as someone slides down beside me. My head twists through my blurry vision, and I glance up at Silas, who looks concerned. “What’s going on?”
“C-can’t breathe,” I exhale jaggedly.
“It’s okay.” He nods. “I think you’re having a panic attack, but it’s okay. It can’t hurt you. Just try to slow down your breathing and hold your breath where you can.”
I try to listen to him, but it’s too much. I’m dying, I’m sure of it. There’s so much tightness everywhere and not enough air.
“Come on, Finn.” He rubs my back soothingly. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re alright.”
I take in his words as he describes how to breathe, and after a few moments, I manage to calm myself down. It’s a relief because never have I felt intense panic like that in my life.
Tears leak from my eyes as Silas continues to rub my back. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I croak.
“What happened?”
I press my back into my car and bury my head in my hands. There is a buzzing around my head. I can’t get it to stop, and I don’t want to think anymore. I just want a moment’s peace.
“Finn?”
My nose wrinkles as I glance at Silas as he perches beside me. “Am I a shit dad?”
He frowns. “What? No. Of course not. You’re a great dad.”
“What if what everyone is saying about me is true?”
“Like what?”
“That it’s only a matter of time before I fuck up again. That I’m going to ruin their lives.”
Silas’s brows crease intensely. “Who has said this crap to you, Finn? It’s not true. You’re doing so well.”
I sniffle, my nose suddenly blocked. “But what if deep down I know it is.”
“Don’t say that,” he says as he squeezes my shoulder. “You’re letting the bad thoughts win.”
