Araxis blinked once, twice, holding himself very still."Your concern is noted," he murmured.He reached, then, and poured the tea into the three cups, placing one in front of me first, then Elethenn, and then picking his own from the tray."You are right: there is a writ, and we are honour-bound to comply.It is for transport of goods only."
"Those goods might beanything," Elethenn said, voice tight, his subvocals bright with distress."They might bringanythingto Xitera, to ends we can only presume are violent and destructive."
"Yes, I am aware," Araxis said.We'd already considered that, even if Araxis thought it was unlikely to be anything dangerous – or at least nothing that posed a danger to our ship.
"And are the Unbound not entirely at odds with what Creche Thiel values?They – Araxis, they came very close to killing me, there in that room, simply because of what I am or – orhowI am.They wished today to remind me that they could –Their representative today told me that they might find me anywhere and do away with me, so that I did not bring the blight that I am back to Xitera.They said the fact that they have not yet is meant to demonstrate that they take their partnership with you seriously." Elethenn blinked several times, eyes glossy."Surely, wemustbe able to find another way.It feels intolerable."
I stared at him, heat prickling in my eyes.Itwasintolerable.I knew what it felt like to be described as poison, as a disease spilling outward, infecting others with all that was rotten and wrong inside of me.Iknewthat feeling.My own heart was pulsing weakly against my ribs, nausea curling deep in my gut.
When Araxis spoke, his voice was carefully even."Vivith will return soon.I will speak with them at greater length about the negotiations they engaged in.Although it is distasteful, although itfeelsintolerable, it is better for us to have them as a… potential ally than an enemy.We have enemies enough.Therearethings we agree on – that the Concord holds too much power; that we have strayed far from our ancient traditions; that the way we treat crecheless abaya is unacceptable – even if they valorize an ancient past for the sake of its veneration alone, rather than choosing that which might serve us and discarding that which was as unjust then as it is now.I will speak with Nizanin when I see them; I will assure that they understand that none of their members are to speak with you or threaten you again.You are a cherished member of Creche Thiel, and any further actions or words will be seen as a move against our creche.I will make it plain that I would be honour-bound to respond accordingly."
Elethenn's jaw was tight; he tipped his chin even further down, pale and washed out."But – you will still work with them?"
"I fear that I must," said Araxis, soft."It has been determined.The writ is signed."
Elethenn swallowed back a tight sound of distress, shaking his head as he stared, hard, at his own hands."I should not be surprised that you cannot understand," he muttered."How could you know what it's like to be held in such contempt?But I have lived with it for much of my life.I will bear it if it is what you require."
The air in the dining room was thick with tension and hurt.I plucked at my collar so I could swipe away the dampness that had gathered in my lower lashes.
Araxis shifted next to me, uncomfortable.Then, his voice quiet and, for the first time since we'd sat down, threaded through with uncertainty, he said, "Idounderstand."
I straightened, looking at him.Araxis had squared his shoulders, pulled himself tall.I saw, then, the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he prepared himself for something.You cannot understand what it's like to be held in such contempt, Elethenn had said – but of course Araxis did, even if it was a wound he bore in private.Butwashe going to keep it private?
"Respectfully, being head of an exiled house is different from being loathed because of what you are," Elethenn said.
"Araxis," I murmured, watching him steel himself.My hand drifted to his thigh, squeezing, and one hand – pale, cold – settled on mine as my pulse shuddered in my throat.
I could see him weighing what this kind of confession would cost him.I could see him evaluating whether Elethenn might understand.He glanced at me, a tiny fraction of a second, as if looking for guidance, but I couldn't give him any, not on this.
"I –" Araxis hesitated.Then, he looked down at his tea, a subtle ripple of emotion – disappointment, maybe – crossing his features before he folded it away.He pulled his hand away from mine."You are right, of course, and I – I offer my apology.You say this agreement is intolerable for you.Would you like to be released from your declaration?"
My stomach lurched, and Elethenn looked up, startled."I – You – Is that what you want?"
"Creche Thiel would very much like to keep you."Araxis turned his cup in front of him with long, graceful fingers, a tic that meant he was uncertain, off-balance."It is of immeasurable value to have another sinnenthi in our creche.You are well-liked by all of us, and you are our Sashen's friend.But you must follow the course that feels truest to who you are.And...perhaps I should not say it, but I certainly hope that the path you choose will keep you here.Iwould wish for you to stay, Elethenn, though I will honour your own wishes above my own."
Elethenn's eyes were glossy as he studied Araxis, his mouth a tight line."How will you protect us from them if they ask for more, Araxis?If they seek to use what they know against you?If you make Creche Thiel home to others like me, like Celravi and Thodin – If theyloatheus, what might they demand next?"
"I trust that I will not need to protect everyone on my own," Araxis said, voice humming with tight subvocals."And Sashen and I have spoken at great length about how best to dissipate the leverage that Nizanin believes they have against me.Wehavea plan.But if you cannot trust that, if you cannot trust in me as head of house, then –"
Elethenn made a miserable sound, tipping his head forward into his hands."Idotrust you, Araxis, I have told you as much.If you truly wish for me to stay, knowing my reservations… then I will stay.You will have me by your side for as long as you wish."
Part of me wondered if that should feel like a victory, but it didn't.Instead, as Elethenn rose to gather the untouched tea and I retreated with Araxis to our room, I felt only that the space behind my ribs was hollow, a vast emptiness.I'd brought Elethenn here, and while I didn't want him to go – and I really didn't – seeing the misery and pain on his familiar features was wretched.Creche Thiel was meant to be his home, and instead it felt like it had become his prison.But could it be a prison if you chose to stay, if yours was the hand that locked the door, if you chose to throw away your own key?
And if my thoughts had taken a bleak turn, Araxis had it worse.He shrugged out of his clothes, silent and distant, emptily pulling on his sleepwear while I followed suit.I watched him, waiting to see if he wanted to speak first – but words seemed beyond him.His jaw was tense, throat working; if I really tried, I could hear some subvocal buzzing in his throat.
I dropped into bed, expecting him to follow.Instead, Araxis drifted into the closet again and, when he returned, he was holding the golden disc from Nizanin.The room was dark so when he flicked it, the startling golden letters flared up across the walls, casting the room in yellow light and slices of black shadow.He studied the script silently, craning his head, and then he clamped his fingers down on the disc's metal edge and the lights winked out in a flash.
"I thought about telling him," Araxis said in the dark, standing somewhere near the foot of our bed."About the way thatIam.Perhaps I should have.Do you think – Would that have been –" He stopped trying to ask me what I thought, and instead fell to a jagged, hurt silence.
I shifted, the sheets rustling around me.I could make out his outline, just barely."You don't have to tell him," I said."You don't have to tellanyoneif you don't want to.But if youdo, if youwantto, you know I'm with you all of the way, no matter what.Whatever you decide –"
"But the risk is incalculable."His words were low, almost hoarse.I heard his nails clicking against the disc."It is not the kind of thing that can be spoken."
I swung my legs out of bed, wondering if I should go to him."You toldme," I tried, gentle."Pretty early too.That was instinct, right?Because you knew you could trust me, or…" Or maybe it had been on purpose, sharing something he was vulnerable about so that I'd trust him.Although, in that case, he could have made something up.Instead, he'd given me what I now understood was a grenade that was also the most tender, vulnerable part of himself.
The sound Araxis made was pained, almost like he'd been punched."You cannot say it, but of course you'reright, beloved.I – I told myself at the time that sharing something I was terrified to speak of would… help.I wanted you to trust me, and so I thought I should begin by trustingyou, and – who would believe you, if you told anyone?But – Sashen, that is how I justified it to myself then.I can see now that I wanteddesperatelyfor someone to know who would – who could – who –" His throat whined, sharp enough to hurt my ears, as he choked on his own words.
I pushed up out of bed and went to him, there in the dark."Come here," I murmured."Come to bed.I'm not upset.I'm glad you told me.I'm glad I get to know all of you.I'mhonoured."Carefully, I nudged him into bed, setting the Unbound's disc on my side table as I sank down next to him.I pulled Araxis's head against my chest, holding him tight, stroking my hand down his crest.
