"Sorry I can't purr at you," I murmured as I held him, not knowing what else to do."It always makes me feel better when you do that."
"When I – Ah, the kelthil.Hm."He let the weight of his head rest more fully on my chest."I like the sound of your heart."
"Yeah?"I pulled him even closer.
"It's steady," he mumbled against me.
I held him like that for ages, wanting to be that for him: to be steady, reliable, someone he could trust.I'd wanted that, way back on the Creche Thiel ship before the Tournament.Now, I knew a lot more about what that trust meant, and what he was gambling with when he placed it in me.I would be worthy of his every confidence.
After a long time, Araxis shifted, just barely; I could feel the brush of his eyelashes against my skin as he blinked."Icouldhave told him," Araxis said, so quiet it was barely more than a whisper."It was – It was a risk that I decided not to take.He might have left, and he could not with such asecret."The abayan word had the weight of holiness, a pearl hidden away from unworthy eyes."If I had told him, he would have felt compelled to stay.It was better not to.But I am not ashamed, Sashen.I amnot."
It was the kind of thing you told yourself when you wanted it to be true, the kind of thing that couldbecometrue if you repeated it enough times.But I understood, and I promised myself then that I would be the person who would repeat it back to him – that he was not ashamed; that he did not need to be; that he was perfectly formed, entirely enough, absolutely radiant – until he believed all of it.Until he knew it in his bones.
I shifted so that I could kiss his forehead."I know," I murmured, moving so that I could kiss his perfect mouth next, so that I could kiss him a thousand times until he felt as cherished as he made me feel.And then, in abayan, "You are my greatest treasure."As he shivered against me, I knew it had been exactly what he needed to hear.
Chapter23
Blame It On the Juice
We closed in on ten days remaining before we left Sozamia and the Phine system and burned to Xitera, and so everything we did on the station took on a bittersweet edge: Was this the last time we'd walk through this particular park?How many more times would we travel down to Ballast Ward?Would we ever stop into this store again, see this food vendor, stare at those impressively ugly statues?
Mid-afternoon, Araxis suggested that we go pick the children up from school together, once we'd finally extricated ourselves from bed and each other after he'd interrupted my post-training shower with his eager hands and hungry mouth.I braided Araxis's crest again, although not before I ran my fingers through it, over and over, sighing wistfully.
He was seated in front of the couch between my knees, so I couldn't see his face but I could hear the pleasure warming his tone."You like the feel of my crest."
"It's lovely," I said, and it was.His quills were supple and pliant, but it was their cool slippery quality that felt incredible between my fingers.
A pleased subvocal rumbled from him as I forced myself to pay attention and actually tend to the braiding.He paused me a few times, reaching back to correct one of the twists – he didn't need to see; of course he could feel everything – but when I finished and he stood up, he was silvered with pleasure."You learn quickly," he murmured, hand drifting back over the shape of his crest.
I beamed, and that warm bubble of pleasure carried me as we left the suite and headed out into the streets of Verdant Ward.Araxis kept an eye out as we walked, as he always did, for Concord houses or the Unbound, but he wasn't so focused on security that he didn't let his hand brush the back of mine.A question.
I might have rolled my eyes, but I managed not to, just barely.I grabbed his hand and threaded my fingers with his, and when I shot him a sideways glance, there was a pleased smile curling his mouth, even as he tried to put it away so that he could be serious and alert.Although what exactly could happen to us in public inVerdant Wardremained a mystery.
The pale dome of the school was visible as soon as we rounded the final corner, as were the squat trees and spiky bushes of the play yard surrounding it.What was most evident, though, was the chorus of happy sounds spilling from the grounds as knots of children from a dozen different species ran about, trilling and chortling.Groups of parents and caregivers had already gathered outside of the school gates and were chatting amicably with each other.
"Let's stop somewhere on the way home," I suggested, eyeing some of the take-away cups that the other adults were holding.Soon enough, we wouldn't be able to stop and pick up thenosian sweet tea or questionable brin juice cups."Get the kids a little treat."
Araxis squeezed my hand."Yes, that is a good idea."He hesitated as we drew near and I realized that he'd never actually come to end-of-day pick up.I'd pried him away from the display in our room on a few mornings for drop-off, but this was decidedly different.We'd finally made it through a little over two months of endless work and Araxis had, for the first time, maybe a bit of breathing room, a beat before the workreallystarted in Xitera.
"Come here," I said, tugging his hand as I threaded through the crowd, smiling while I nodded in my best 'dancer moving through a crowd' routine, and I pulled him to the outer wall of the playground.Beyond the wall, the school's grounds were a lush microcosm: trees with low branches perfect for climbing; little structures made of wood – actual wood, not polymer painted to look like it had grain – that children were weaving in and out of; slides and ropes and dozens of different bushes and squat trees and cold-hardy flowers.Even the school itself looked like it might have grown up from the ground, almost as if it was a mushroom that had been hollowed out and refit for purpose.
Kekobu, the auvril teacher, was seated in a patch of grass with a few children, plucking long-stemmed flowers from a broad basket laid out between them.She was showing them how to twist and shape the stems into a rope of some sort, or a wreath.I couldn't tell from that distance.I leaned to the side and saw Talvi sitting next to her feathered side, blinking up at her and listening attentively as their fingers worked with the woody stems.
I nudged Araxis."There's Talvi," I said, before scanning the grounds for the other two."Oh, and Adrathi is with her friend, that little brin – Tef'an.He's the one who came for dinner."She was currently racing around a low bush with purple leaves, Tef'an chortling as they ran after each other in an endless loop."And look, Sadin's climbing that tree."
Araxis tucked his hands behind his back, dark stare flitting across the grounds and tracking each of the children.We watched as Sadin scaled the tree and then reached to extend his hand down to the ketaari child below.Once they were both up, they tried to help a short sephear, but the child's arms didn't come anywhere near the branch.In the distance, Sadin sat back on the branch, frowning, and then he slipped down, speaking with the other child before wrapping his arms around their pint-sized armour and lifting them up.The sephear's hands grabbed the ketaari's, and they were able to scramble up, Sadin following a second after so all three could ascend the branches.
"That was cute," I murmured, nudging Araxis with my elbow."Did you see Sadin help the other kid up?"
Araxis was quiet for a long moment.I looked at him, not sure why he was being so still and silent next to me, and when I took in the tilt of his head, I could see that he was feeling something that he was working very hard to smooth away from his features.
"What is it?"I asked, watching the careful line of his shoulders.
"Hm."Araxis blinked once, twice, and then looked to me."I was thinking how happy they seem, here with so many others.It will be different when we travel to the empire.Aside from occasional short visits to Xitera, they will stay at the manor.And even in Xitera, abayan children do not socialize with children from other creches.It can be a lonely childhood, I think, when compared with this."
"Well, it could be a lot worse," I said, tracing his shoulder beneath the silken fabric of his jacket.And because I was warm and unguarded and content by Araxis's side, because I feltsafe, my mouth continued on before I had a chance to think too much about what I was saying."When I was growing up, I was surrounded by other kids, but we all monitored each other for any infractions.No one could really be your friend: anyone might betray you at any time, and you were always looking out for how the other kids might also be alreadycorrupted.Couldn't let them get too near, because they might infect you too.I mean,Iwas usually patient zero in those cases, but it was still a lot of paranoia and fear.That was also pretty lonely."
Araxis leaned into my touch, shoulder nudging against mine."I cannot fathom how you were raised, Sashen, or how you managed to come from such a dark beginning when you are so luminous now."
