And, look, as much as I didn't like Vivith, as much as I was suspicious of them –
I thought, in that moment, that maybe their loathing came from an honest place.Maybe they reallydidbelieve I was… hurting Araxis and they, loving him, felt compelled to intervene.Even if the way they loved him was by forcefully shoving him onto the path of their own devising.
"There is no one in our creche who is obligated to stay," Araxis said, face tight with anger."You would hold none of the others to the same standard.And –"
I pulled my hand out from underneath his."I think that's enough."
Vivith shot me a startled look, and Araxis tilted his head as he studied me.
"I think," I said, breathy, "that we have bigger things to worry about right now.And – look, it's fine if Vivith doesn't like me.That's okay."
"It is not aboutliking," Araxis corrected."It is a matter of respect –"
"Well, I've never had that before, so I'm not too upset to be missing out on it now," I continued, heart pattering against my ribs."We have to – what, be sure Creche Naival can't get to you before we head off to Xitera?We've just moved our schedule for departure up by a week.We have a meeting with Nizanintomorrow.We have alotto get done and not much time to do it.We have to keep yousafe, Araxis."I looked back at Vivith, whose face was white, their eyes like massive holes."Let's just – We can talk about all of this later, once we're actuallyinXitera and after Creche Thiel has been reinstated and this bullshitassassinationthing is dismissed.Genuinely,I don't careif Vivith is rude to me sometimes.Vivith, I know you think I'm a horrible person, or whatever, and you are entitled to think that and to feel however you want to about me.Just don't be awful to everyone else.And –God, if the two of you could try and show someharmonyoutside of this room, I think that would go a long fucking way.We're vulnerable, and we don't need the two of you making itworse."
I wasn't sure how I'd ended up angry, but there it was.Because hadn't we already talked about how dangerous it was for a creche to be at odds with itself?The risks of having heads of house vying for power?And even if Vivith believed – and maybe they did, or maybe it was all part of the game – that they weren't angling for control, the discord just wasn't working.And it would be even worse in Xitera.
This, too, was one of the costs of the empire.Elethenn had been right.It was fucking rotten to its core, but we had to go there, and so we would.
Next to me, Araxis shifted, uneasy.His head ducked slightly with what might have been embarrassment."Sashen is right, of course," he said, looking at Vivith.
"Perhaps he is virraandentinn," Vivith said hoarsely, swiping at their cheeks with the hem of their billowy top."It has been some time since we were scolded."
Araxis fluted out a sigh, then, sliding his arm around my lower back, pulling me a little closer, like I was the scaffolding holding him up as he struggled under the weight of all of this.As if I was assuring him he could bear it all.“I do not care to be at odds with you, Vivith.”
“No, I do not care for it either,” they said.
“Then how might we meet each other?”Araxis asked, his thumb moving against my hip, gentle, and in that touch, there might have been something like gratitude.He'd never been angry at me for speaking out of turn, no matter how many times some part of my body anticipated it.“How might we begin to reconcile?”
Vivith was quiet for a long moment.They reached out and finally took their cold tea from the table, fingers tapping on the edge of the cup.“Perhaps...you will tell me,” they said in the end.
It was the right thing to say.I could see Araxis soften immediately.And I couldn't say that I disagreed.Despite what Vivith had said about me, despite what they thought I was doing, Ididbelieve them when they said they wanted what was best for Creche Thiel and for Araxis.
It's just that they didn't believe that I had any part in that future.
"If something were to happen to me, I would see you as head of house," Araxis said."But I am not yet satisfied with your atonement.I understand that this transition has been difficult.You have made it more so."
"Yes, I am aware."
"Then I propose this," said Araxis."To all others in Creche Thiel, we will say that you have completed your atonement.You will assume duties as I dictate them.As you demonstrate that you can follow my leadership and that your judgment is sound, I will expand what you are permitted to do.Is this acceptable?”
"Yes, Araxis," said Vivith, head bowed.
"When we arrive in Xitera where we have some safety, you will undertake additional tasks in order to fulfill your atonement.It will become, eventually, part of our creche's history.Do you agree?"
"If you think that is best.I would demonstrate to the children that atonement is an honourable and worthy undertaking.It is not unforgivable to have fallen short."
"Yes," said Araxis, fingers tightening against my hip."How well I know that.And Sashen is right, we must assure our focus remains on what there is to accomplish.We must guard ourselves against the dangers Xitera presents.Iwouldhave your help in this, Vivith.And I would challenge you to act with greater delicacy and sensitivity than you have so far."
"I will do so," murmured Vivith."You are generous with your forgiveness, though I'm undeserving.I would make a proper apology to you, once we are through all of this.I thought – I thought I might have lost forever the respect and affection you once had for me.I have felt – Have you not felt that there is something broken between us now?I do notwantthat, Araxis.”
Araxis studied Vivith, his sibling and his only real peer in his entire fucking life, the one person who understood what he’d lived through and what he’d lost.The person he’d been willing to put everything on the line for, including his integrity and honour; I felt him shiver against me under the weight of so much emotion, as he was torn in so many directions.“Yes, Vivith, I have felt it too.I think this...is a way forward.But as much as I wish for us to find accord again, I am head of house; I am not simply your Araxis any more.There are things I cannot tolerate, you understand that.It would be to corrupt the foundation before we lay the first stone.We must build Creche Thiel back properly.”
Vivith nodded deeply, a hand drifting to the centre of their chest where they rubbed the skin through the puff of gauzy black fabric.“Yes,” they said seriously, “I could not agree more.I will do better, Araxis, I swear it to you.We must – We mustallwork as one in this, yes?"
We left the meeting and Vivith trailed off, uncertain, to go see the children in their nest, while Araxis went and spoke with our creche-mates about Vivith's atonement.And as he did that, I found myself hovering in front of the mirror in the hygiene room.I planted my hands on the counter and studied my own reflection in the murky evening light.
Creche Naival was coming for Araxis.I thought of Crozani's sharp stare, her wicked smile; I thought of her presence here in Verdant Ward.She'd called meunguarded.My hands flexed on the counter as I looked hard into my own eyes, which in the darkness appeared not green but black: little voids, puncturing through to the shadows inside of me.
