Fuck, was that the kind of thing that traumatized a kid?Was that –
"Our Elethenn said I can eat as many buns as I want," continued Talvi, blinking up with their massive black eyes, cheeks still tear-stained even though they looked entirely unbothered now."Am I allowed?"
"Yeah, yeah," I said distantly, "Of course.And – I know I said I can be scary, and I know it might – Maybe it's scary knowing that I had to...That I can..."
Talvi made a curious snuffling sound, almost a trill, as they sat back down in their nest of cushions."Our Sashen is so silly," they said, hauling a veritable tower of buns toward the edge of the table, folding their bare feet beneath them."You're only scary when people are bad, and it's good to be scary when people are bad." And like that, they set to slurping down juice and shovelling buns and slices of fruit into their mouth, which was as much of a dismissal as a child could give me.
I huffed out an incredulous breath, and then left Talvi in the kitchen to go speak with Elethenn – because I thought it was likely I needed to be scary with him as well.
He was waiting in the same place I'd left him, standing stiff and uncertain against the wall."You stay there," I snapped."I don't want you out of my sight."Elethenn's whole body actually tensed as if from a raised hand.
I needed a second to figure out what I was going to say to him when all I really wanted to do was grab him by the front of his jumpsuit and shake him until he – I don't know, started crying.Although he'd probably do that on his own anyway.
I searched the corpses for anything useful – maybe a signed confession of wrong-doing?A letter from some big wigs in Naival or Hanalthi admitting they'd been scheming?– but all I came away with was the depressing realization that rifling through a dead body's pockets somehow didn't bother me.
I thought it should probably bother me.And yet…
I grabbed my arc lance, and then Crozani's blaster while I was at it.I thought about how sharp and hungry those eyes had been when she first approached me; now, they were dull and empty.
She deserved nothing better.
We had a few minutes probably.Time enough to maybe grab a few things for the ship, at least, since we wouldn't be coming back here.I shot Elethenn a dark look, although he was still staring at the carpet beneath his feet."You," I said, sharp enough that he startled and glanced up at me."Come with me while I pack a few things."
I planted my hands on my hips, looking around the bedroom I'd shared with Araxis.It had seemed impossibly grand when I'd first set foot in it, although it seemed less grand now that there were a couple of corpses on the floor.All around me were little signs of life, proof that we'd been here, that we'd lived here together: an unmade bed; an empty cup on a table; a pearl-like button that had come off of one of my tops; a stack of books Valerie had sent to me; the plant sitting near the window, its green leaves trailing downward.
I scooped up the plant, holding it in one hand before I turned to look back at Elethenn, who was still hovering just inside of the door."So," I said, low."Xitera demands awful things of us all."
"Yes," said Elethenn, voice worn and rough."I did tell you."
I brushed past him to go grab some things from the closet, but not before I shoved Araxis's plant hard against his chest, Elethenn's hands flying up to take it on reflex."What youhaven'ttold me iswhy.So how about you start there?"
"I – Rodil already explained," he tried, actually wincing under the glare that bullshit excuse won him."I – They approached me in Radiant Ward, once you had...started coming by.My former head of branch – he agreed that this could be...an atonement for me.If I introduced you, if I – I made myself available to Creche Naival..."
I couldn't look at him as he tried to explain, instead stepping into the closet and hastily grabbing the bag that had seen me from Yellow Fin to Thenat-6 to Sozamia, and that would now see me to Xitera.I rifled through our belongings, grabbing the clothes I thought we might need right away – mostly formal wear and a few extra sweaters, because the ship was frigid and we were going to need to jump into a string of very difficult meetings the second we arrived in the empire."So, what," I said, flat."Your declaration was bullshit?"
"I –" From the proximity of his voice, I knew he'd come to stand in the door to the closet.My hands were moving quickly, rapidly as I flicked through clothes and shoved them violently into the bag in rumpled balls."I – It was in earnest.I hadn't expected – I didn't think it was possible, to be...seen in the way that I have been, here in Creche Thiel.It was beyond my wildest dreams.It was – This is a singular creche.There is nowhere else like it."
Nowhere else like it, huh?Considering that we'd come very close to being completely obliterated, that was pretty fucking rich."Thenwhy the fuckdidn't yousay anything?"I snarled, whirling to stare at Elethenn as my heart kicked into a furious gallop, as if I was facing down someone with a gun again."They almost killed Araxis, Elethenn!They –Fuck, theydidkill Avelthe, and if I hadn't been with Araxis, he'd be dead too.They dropped him in a second, and then they stabbed me and it was only because I'm a fuckingmonsterthat we managed to make it off that ship alive."The words punched out of me, as vicious and sharp-edged as my swords.Spattered in gore, just the same.
Elethenn was bone-white, his skin matte.The light coming in from the windows behind him was soft, and that contrast – the lovely day outside, thanks to the ward's climate controls, and the ugliness in this room and the ugliness of what Elethenn had done and the absolute devastation written across his features – made my stomach clench, my pulse pounding.Howdarehe look so fucking ruined.
"I –" Elethenn's black eyes were wide, gleaming with tears.He still held Araxis's plant to his chest, and I could hear the shrill subvocal shivering in his pale throat, could watch the line of his jaw as it shook."It was – It was atonement, and by the time I realized I – that I did notwishto atone, that I did notwishto return to Nime's side, I had already – I had already betrayed Araxis and I had betrayedyou.And I could not violate the trust of my former creche and I could not be worthy of my place in Creche Thiel and – But it does not matter, I know,noneof it does, because – Because I have been cowardly.I have failed in every – In all – Byanypossible measurement –"
I'd given up packing and had ended up sitting on the floor, staring furiously at him, my pulse thundering against my ears as Elethenn started to cry in earnest.He tipped his chin down, fingers spasming around the plant, but he didn’t move away.Even though his shoulders were shaking, even though he could barely breathe.
I bore witness to it, unwilling to offer comfort.I sat there and I watched him cry, my jaw tight.
He'd fucked us over, hereallyhad.And yet – andfucking yet– I also knew that he could have made things even worse.He hadn't told Creche Naival about the Unbound, although that would have been the nail in our proverbial coffin.He'd tried to keep me safe from the assault.And, stars, what the fuck did I really understand about atonement?What did I understand about what it was like to be exiled and then offered a chance to go back?I'd never wanted to go back to Seraphim; it had to be different, being sent away instead of running away.And who even knew what was allowed to be shared or talked about, given all those cultural layers of privacy and secrecy?
I waited until he'd stopped sounding like he was choking before I asked the question I really needed an answer to, which would determine what, exactly, I was going to do next.
"Did you know that Creche Naival was gunning for us last night?"The question was quiet when I asked it, hushed, as if knowing how dangerous it was made it harder to say."Did you know that this was going to happen, when it became clear they'd failed?"Because that mightactuallybe unforgivable.
When Elethenn finally met my stare, his eyes were glossy and wet.He swallowed several times; I could tell he wanted to press a hand to his chest, to try and calm himself, but he was still holding the plant – and maybe he didn't think he deserved that comfort.I wasn't sure he was wrong."I think," Elethenn finally said, voice hoarse and unsteady, "I think Rodil suspected that my loyalty was… shifting.That it – ithad.They told menothing.Theyaskedme about the Unbound and I saidnothing, Sashen.I did not tell them when the meeting was.I did not tell them therewasa meeting.They demanded to know why I was – why I was so distressed after Tamcer was killed, and again after – after I was threatened in Core Ward.I refused their order.But I should have acted when Crozani came to the creche; I should have – It is my role to defend.Herethat has been my role.But – Rodil had the children in hand so quickly and I thought – Sashen, Ithoughtthat if I could persuade them to keep only Talvi as leverage, I would be able to assure they were well treated.I was certain Nime would wish to bring a virra into his household, although they are a child.I was certain I could… convince him.The others were all meant to be unharmed, if they cooperated, but our – your Avelthe –"
And maybe it was because my friendship with Elethenn had meant so much to me, or because I hated to see the shame written across every line of his face, alive in every muscle of his body.Maybe it was empathy, or maybe I was just fucking tired.But whatever the reason, I heard how he said Avelthe's name – like it was sacred, like he didn't deserve to speak it – and something in me gave, like an exhale that was somewhere between relief and resignation.
"OurAvelthe," I corrected, gentle, as Elethenn's features spasmed again.He turned abruptly, as if he couldn't stand for me to watch him break like this, not again.
