I was pretty sure Inmadra would have told me if anyone had asked her questions.I was also pretty sure she would rather scorch the earth than do something less than morally correct.She wasveryconcerned with doing things correctly.I'd asked Celravi once if she found the lessons boring to attend; she had breezily explained that she was happy to come because it made Inmadra happy.And you are very sweet,she'd been quick to add, smiling.It is hardly a burden to help chaperone.
It was like Nilli back on Creche Athal’s ship, who'd stayed close to make sure nothingimproperwas happening.I was a treasure, and I'd understood then that Inmadra wanted to assure that I remained unspoiled.I could only assume that was why Elethenn, clearly uncomfortable, had forced himself to join Rodil in my apartment.He was supervising.He was another set of eyes.
It was all laughable on so many levels: Rodil was a physician; I was an ex-dancer.No one could compromise me in a way that I hadn't already done years ago.Which meant that none of it was aboutmeormy comfort; it was about Araxis.
Rodil wanted me to put in a good word.I thought the others might as well, although no doubt Inmadra would insist she was only offering services in exchange for payment – she'd hate the implication that she had another motive, I knew she would – and so it wasAraxisthey were really trying to assuage with all their… propriety.
This is a transgression against Creche Thiel, Inmadra had said.Your actions will be understood to be a statement on behalf of your creche.Your Araxis would not approve.
I was mostly a void, my edges shaped entirely by my proximity to Araxis.No wonder it was so hard to be just Sashen and just Araxis.I hadn't realized, really, the extent to which those cultural assumptions would… obliterate me.And Vivith wanted the same: they wanted me docile, quiet, deferential, as expected.Whenever I drifted outside of Araxis's orbit, even just a little, everyone tried to push me back in.
Could I have a cultural tutor?I had to ask Araxis.Would someone explain that term to me?Araxis would need to decide.Was it okay for me to walk around Verdant Ward on my own?Oh, but there I was, unguarded without Araxis.The break-in at my apartment would reflect on Araxis; my decision to pay the fines would be about Araxis.Even when I'd been thanked outside the guard station, they'd thankedhim– because that was who I was to everyone around me.
But… all the while, Araxis had been valiantly holding space, as best he could, for me to move freely.He’d told me that being declared would make me his, first and foremost, way back on the arena sands.He’d known the restrictions of being a declared virra would be hard for me, and so he’d built expanses of time for me to be unfettered.He conducted the meetings in Standard.When I'd asked, he'd made the dossier for me, which I hadn't had nearly enough time to study yet – I could start that tonight – and when I said that I wantedmore, he tried to carve out space and time for just that.Tell me who you are, I'd been demanding, and he'd offered everything he could.
I wondered if he also felt the pressures ofAraxis, Head of Creche Thielpushing againsthissense of self.What schism was there inside of him?If I found it difficult, how much harder would it be to have to play the part ofyourself, all while sublimating so much of who you actually were until that person became… tremulous, nebulous, evasive?
It was like being on broadcastallof the time.At least I had Tam's, and I had the time I took alone in my apartment.I had Valerie Prior and the work I was doing with Perseus.
What did Araxis have, besides all of this?
He had me.But he was afraid to as well.And I'd been –
Well, I'd been playing the part of his partner.I'd stepped into the role as best I could.I'd been Sashen of Creche Thiel.What Ihadn'tdone was give him Sashen Solar: someone to make spacefor him, to carve it out in bits and pieces.Breathing room.
I could do that.Ihadto do that.And – I thought I also wanted to.I just had to figure out how to dothatwhile not giving all of myself away, not yet.How could I stay firm on who I was while also creating space for him?
But I knew it needed to start with bringing Araxis up to speed on some of what I'd done, and what the consequences could be.
I was tasked with supervising the children as they cleaned up, so I leaned against the counter and called up my message interface, flicking to the pink thread.
How was your trip out of Glimmer Ward?I asked.
His messaged floated up a few minutes later.You will be pleased to know that I was only groped three times on my way back to the shuttle station.
I laughed under my breath.Three times!Get any tips at least?
Alas, no.I clearly have much to learn.Perhaps our next date could involve some instruction on how best to avoid wandering hands.
I was about to suggest that we might go dancing, but then Adrathi broke a dish and started crying, so I had to flick the messages away and calm her down and make sure no bare-footed children stepped on anything sharp.So I missed Araxis's messages until we finished loading the dishes in the cleaning compartment and headed to the front room to watch some of the new documentaries Valerie had sent along, at which point the pink bubbles all blinked to life in front of me, one after the other.
Would you care for another date?Or perhaps you would like more time to think about it.
Then,I've read it's generally in poor form to be so eager.But I wish for you to know that I would very much liketo go on another date.To undertake another social activity so that we might better understand one another.
Then,We spoke at some length about abayan culture today.I understand that there is meant to be an equal exchange on dates, and I monopolized the conversation.I apologize.I would like to learn more about your culture, or more of the cultures and beliefs that speak to you.
Then, several minutes later,I know the culture you grew up with does not reflect your values or beliefs.
Then,You do not wish to speak about it.I apologize.I am overstepping.
I could practically see him standing in some empty corner of the ship, fretting as he stared at the messages he'd typed out and couldn't take back now.
Don't start spiralling, I wrote.You're not overstepping and you're not being too much of anything.I was just helping the kids clean up after supper and there was some drama about who dropped a plate and who else was mean about it.Glad I was there to put all of my negotiation skills to use!
I settled in next to the kids, who were cuddled up on the couch, tucking my feet under a blanket and rereading his series of messages.
Let me try to address that all in order, I typed.Would I like another date?Yes.Is it poor form to be keen?I don't know, but I like enthusiasm.Did we talk too much about your culture?No, yours is the one I'm parachuting into, so the more we can talk about abayan culture, language, and beliefs, the better.I do also like knowing more about you.I like talking to you.
