Then, the trickier part:Do I want to talk about how I grew up?Not particularly.Will I?If I have to.Would that help you understand me?I don't think so.I don't fit anywhere.Everything I think about the universe is cobbled together from a dozen different sources, so really – who knows.
Here's what I do know, though,I finished.I missed sitting next to you tonight.When you're back, there are some things that have happened here that I need to fill you in on.Do you think you'll be late?
I didn't have to wait long for his response to float up.I will certainly be late.Egnax found a faulty coupling, so the two of us are stripping out twenty-odd panels to check for others.So far, we have found no others.Then, a moment later,Please imagine that I am extremely dejected when you read that, because that reflects the truth of the matter.
The video playing on the display showed icy fields and a herd of some sort of animal moving through snow.The voice-over was in English, but there was a rough translation piped in over top, which mademyhead spin, although the kids didn't seem to mind.Too bad I'm not there to help, I wrote.I'm great at getting in behind panels.
Yes,wrote Araxis.I have been thinking longingly of your flexibility.
I grinned, pleased, and then decided to wait a minute to see what he'd come up with next.I was pretty sure it was going to be an apology for –
Sure enough:I must apologize.It has been a long day.That was likely not an appropriate comment to make after a first date.
Yeah, that's third date material, I replied with a little cartoon of myself winking.Then,Oh, abaya don't wink.That means I'm making a flirty little joke.
I know what winking is, he replied.I have been aiming to emulate your studiousness.There are many non-verbal gestures humans might make that I understand now.
Was he bragging?I laughed under my breath, and then another message popped up.In truth, I must return to this work.The sooner I'm finished, the sooner I can come back.It will be very late, Sashen; I may not be back before morning.Please don't feel the need to wait up.
Be safe on the flight back, I wrote, feeling a pang at the idea of being here alone for the night.And let me know when you've got that next date figured out.I'm pretty sure I can convince my employer to give me some time off.I thought about adding a heart, but I held off.
He didn't respond for a long time, but just as I was bundling the kids off to bed, his message came through.Sleep well, beloved.
It was a nice thought – although I woke in the middle of the night, heart hammering and face wet with tears as usual.Except this time, I was alone, and the nightmare I'd find myself in come morning loomed, even if I couldn't see it yet and didn't know it was coming.
Chapter8
Blast Radius
The door to our bedroom slammed open, and I jolted awake."Get up," hissed a voice.Vivith.I squinted, pulse pounding in my throat, taking in their angular form in the doorway.
My mouth went dry.I shoved myself up.Vivith was nothing more than a shadow before me, angular and tense, refusing to step into the room.
Had something happened to Araxis on the ship?On the way back?"Is Araxis –"
"Oh, he will have many words foryou, I am certain," Vivith snarled."Get up, Sashen.Put on clothes.Wait in the meeting room.I will address you shortly."And then the door slammed shut, so violently it felt like the whole wall rattled.
I sucked in a hard breath, head spinning, and a sudden shiver made my body convulse, an echo of a long time ago, too much feeling for my limbs and muscles to contain.This wasn't twelve years ago, I thought frantically.I wasn't being dragged out of bed to be held to account.I wasn't; Iwasn't.
But Iwasin trouble.I gasped in another breath, fingers tangling in my hair, and I tried desperately to think – to have my thoughts cut through the sharp and jagged currents of terror coursing through my body.
Was this because of the fines yesterday?Or – or was it because somehow, they'd figured out what I'd been doing for Perseus?Had Vivith turned something up?What did they know?And ifVivithknew – if they knew I'd been sharing information with a foreign political entity – then Araxis would know and –
And.
My throat was gummy and tight.I flicked on my wristband, stumbling out of bed and into the hygiene room to splash water on my face, dazed.Being hauled in for a meeting with Vivith.Might end up needing that ripcord sooner rather than later, I wrote frantically.I could be wrong.I hope I'm wrong.
I was partway through brushing my teeth when Val's response flared up.Don't panic!If I don't hear from you again soon, I'll assume the worst and we'll get you out.But these things often feel more ominous than they are.I promise no one's going to whisk you away to a tribunal in Xitera.Even if they did, I've broken a few people out of prison before.
That didn't make me feel any better.Could they really send me to an abayan work camp I'd need to be broken out of?Or was Valerie just being dramatic?I looked at myself in the mirror, pale and washed out, my eyes bloodshot from another night of awful sleep.I deleted Val's messages.I forced myself to get dressed, tugging on clothes without really looking.My skin was over-sensitive, every brush of fabric like sandpaper against my skin.I took a moment, there in the closet, to close my eyes and allow myself to shiver, the adrenaline so intense that it had to come outsomehow.
Alright, I told myself, sucking in a long, deep breath before forcing it out through my nose.You're an adult.Vivith isn't a Shepherd.And if you've really fucked up – if theyknow– then Valerie will get you out.
And I'd never see Araxis again.
It was one of those thoughts I couldn't hold.I had to let it go, release it like a cloud of dust on cosmic winds.But my whole body was tight, as if flinching ahead of a blow, my thoughts spinning wild and untethered around me.I couldn'ttalkto them like this.Icouldn't.
Five.
