Which, as far as I could tell, meant kissing me and then leaving me half-hard and frustrated.But if a proper courtship was important to Araxis, then it could be important to me, although I did need to understand what thatmeantfirst.
"So courting a virra is faster, " I'd tried, "but if there's a courtshipwithouta virra, it takes more time and there's...less sex?"
"Yes, it is quite different," admitted Inmadra."A longer courtship is to be expected in other cases, and little in the way of sexual intimacy until certain oaths are made, once each party has shown their devotion."
"Whyisthat?"I'd asked, curious."I know that, culturally, you place a lot of weight on sex and that it has something to do with the reason there are hatcheries now and why everyone is sterilized.I'm assuming a long courtship must have some connection with that, like – because it's dangerous to have children, you'd need longer to show it was worth the risk.Could you explain?"Becauseno oneknew anything about where that baggage had come from, and I bet it was exactly the kind of thing Perseus would be interested in.Maybe there was medical tech they could offer to help, or –
But the look she had given me, then, was flinty, corrective."No, Icannotexplain," she'd said, flat."You are not yet entitled to that knowledge.One day, you may gain access to the stories of our people, but it is not yours yet.It is not appropriate to pry."
"Oh," I'd said then, startled, guilt twisting deep in my stomach."I'm sorry, I –"
She'd waved my apology away."It is wise for you to askmethese things, Sashen.Be mindful that you do not make such inquiries more broadly."She'd paused, then offered to send me some materials on courtship; by then, she'd figured out that I liked to know as much as possible.
The materials, when they arrived on my wristband, weren't terribly helpful.They were vague and seemed to mostly be etiquette guides for young abaya on how to initiate a courtship without getting ahead of one's self.Which, I quickly learned, Araxishad, way back on the ship before we'd set foot on Thenat-6.There was an entire chapter about exchanging quills and what might make a young abaya ready for such a serious step, but Araxis had given me one just before I left the ship to hide with my sword.I might have written it off as manipulation, except that I hadn't known what it meant and AraxisknewI hadn't known and it was something I'd had to hide anyway, so it couldn't have been for the audience either.I'd stared at that passage in the guide for a long time, skeptical, trying to think of another angle...but I was eventually forced to admit that it could only mean that he'd really liked me, even then.Enough to give me a token of his devotion, enough for him towantme to have that, even though I couldn't understand it.Although I wondered if some part of me still had: how often had I run my fingers along the seam in my swords' sheath where I'd hidden the quill, feeling it under my fingernails when the rest of the universe seemed big and awful?
It had been a tender enough thought that I'd found myself kneeling in our closet, cradling my swords to my chest and pressing hard enough into the seam where his quill was still hidden that I left lines indented into my fingertips.
I'd also flipped to the section on sinnenthi and had again come across the phrase Crozani and the Zivanis sinnenthi had used at the museum, and which had made Araxis look a little stunned when I'd said it.Which was curious enough that I'd written to Inmadra, despite the fact that I knew she was in a meeting with Araxis.
What does it mean to 'exert control'?I wrote, using the exact abayan phrase.
I hadn't expected to hear back, so I was surprised when her reply floated up a moment later.That is most certainly a question for your sinnenthi, she'd replied, which I knew meant, just like any time I ran into that particular non-answer, that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere with my line of questioning.It might as well have been a flashing stoplight at the docks.
I'd still tried, of course.But you're my language AND culture tutor, and that's both.Firmly within your purview!
To which she had responded,It is within your sinnenthi's purview.Remember that I have said you might ask me any question, but I am also within my rights to decline to answer.This is part of our culture that you must work on understanding.
Which, I guessed, was fair, even if it made my stomach squirm a little, like I'd been caught doing something wrong.But at least all of my clumsy questioning had led mesomewhereor, at the very least, to a little more context.
For some reason known only to him, Araxis had decided to court me like I wasn't virra.And while I did consider asking him, I was aware that any implication that I wasn't happy with how he was courting me would throw him off, and we couldn't afford that, not right now.Besides, I could be patient, if it was important to him for cultural reasons.I coulddothat.
It did mean, though, that in addition to being busy and exhausted, I was also hornyallof the time and I lacked anything like a real outlet.I have two hands and a vivid imagination, I'd told Araxis on the justiciar's ship when he asked me how I'd make do if we weren't fucking.
And it wasn't like thenot-fuckingwas different from what we'd done before we cancelled the contract.The difference now was that I wanted to,allof the time and I wasn't trying to convince myself I didn't.So I went for a lot of runs, when I wasn't wrapped up in other things.I ran, and I tookverylong showers during which I thought, at great length and in exquisite detail, about what exactly I wanted to do to Araxis when I could fuck him again.That was enough to take the edge off, at least.Usually.Sometimes.
A week into our new reality, I was with Inmadra again in one of the front rooms, where she was drilling me with questions and forcing me to try and speak somewhat coherently on them, which wasn't going particularly well.When the children had come in earlier with Elethenn and Thodin after school, they'd lingered in the doorway, listening to metryto speak about my opinions on some import regulations she'd made me study beforehand, and they'd chortled every four words before Elethenn called them away.We were just wrapping up with Inmadra's usual scathing critique – these days, she was ripping apart both my command of the language and the content of my ill-formed opinions, assuring that I was well-prepared for our arrival in Xitera – when my wristband blinked with an incoming message.
"Excuse me for a moment," I said in abayan.
"Will youexcuse me for a moment," she corrected."Remember your position in relation to the person you are addressing."
Fuck, right.It wasn't enough to wrestle with vocabulary, syntax, and grammar: I had to also acknowledge social status in broader abayan culture and within a creche as well.Thank all the stars that the sounds came naturally; without a foundation of adequate pronunciation, I might have considered giving up.Or tearing my hair out.I huffed, then repeated it back and when she nodded, I tapped the message open.
I know you're busy, Tam wrote underneath the string of messages outlining what I could do here in Verdant Ward to keep making progress even if I didn't have time to travel to Radiant in the interim,but I've come across some information about that attack.Thought you might want to talk about it.We have a fight night tonight.You could come.
I let out a long breath, mentally shuffling through my schedule and weighing the benefits of potentially getting more information.I hadn't been down on orange shift, not since I'd been jumped, but it was probably fine.
Another message blinked to life as I was waffling.Like I said, I know you're busy – but it would be good to talk, and it's got to be in person.Maybe you could also bring that cute friend of yours?Stay for some dancing?
I sucked on my lower lip.If I brought Elethenn with me, we'd definitely be okay.And Tam wouldn't let anything happen anyway.
Besides, the fact that we still didn't know who'd ordered the attack, or why it had happened at all, was worrying.Val hadn't turned anything up; Araxis hadn't either.And although it still hadn't hit the Primus tabloids, anyone with any connection to Xitera was aware, so if they knew something, they'd have information that could have been leveraged to their advantage in negotiations – and yet, nothing had come up.It was like I'd been targeted by a ghost, and I hated that, because if your enemy can't be seen, then you're stuck jumping at the shadows around every corner.
Part of me still wondered, darkly, if Vivith hadn't just broken into my apartment, but had also hired some local thugs to rough me up, except that I couldn't see the benefit.It wasn't like that had driven Araxis away; instead, it had brought us closer together.It had been… a step in repairing our connection.
I also didn't believe for a second that Vivith would have hired mercs who were incompetent.No matter how much I was training, a skilled strategist would have made sure the people hired for the job were capable of handling me.Valerie said they had to be amateurs.Anyone can buy a powersuit and call themself a baddie, she'd written,but a professional knows how to get the job done efficiently.Your duo was definitely not efficient.
Which meant that whoever had hired them wasnota skilled strategist – or that their objective was beyond my scope of understanding.
